1. This newsletter is dedicated to professional caregivers. It is our hope that this Winter 2012
newsletter will help you give comfort and strength to those you serve.
Touchstone One
When Someone You Love Completes Suicide:
Opening to the Presence of by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Your Loss
“In every heart there is an inner room, where we can hold our
greatest treasures and our deepest pain.”
~ Marianne Williamson
S
omeone you love has completed suicide. In cover, as I have, that to honour your grief is not self-de-
your heart, you have come to know your structive or harmful, it is self-sustaining and life-giving.
deepest pain. To be “bereaved” literally
means “to be torn apart.” You have a broken heart You have probably been taught that pain is an indi-
and your life has been turned upside down. cation that something is wrong and that you should
find a way to alleviate the pain. In our culture, the
While it is instinctive to want to run as far away as role of pain and suffering is misunderstood. This is
possible from the overwhelming pain that comes particularly true with suicide grief. Because of the
with this loss, you have probably already discov- stigma and taboo surrounding suicide, many people
ered that even if you try to hide, deny or self-treat think you shouldn’t talk about it, let alone honour
your pain, it is still within you, demanding your your pain by openly mourning.
attention. In acknowledging the inevitability of
the pain and raw suffering that comes with this In part, this article will encourage you to be pres-
grief, in coming to understand the need to gently ent to your multitude of thoughts
embrace the pain, you in effect honour the pain. and feelings, to “be with”
The word honour literally means recognizing the val-
ue of and respecting. It is not instinctive to see grief
that erupts following a suicide death and the need to
mourn as something to honour. But I hope you dis-

2. them, for they contain the truth you are searching for, the energy on,” “let go,” “keep your chin up,” and “keep busy.” Actually, you
you may be lacking, and the unfolding of your eventual healing. need to give yourself as much time as you need to mourn, and
these kinds of comments hurt you, not help you.
Setting Your Intention to Heal Society often makes mourners feel shame or embarrassment about
It takes a true commitment to heal in your grief. Yes, you are our feelings of grief, particularly suicide grief. It implies that if you,
wounded, but with commitment and intention you can and will as a grieving person, openly express your feeling of grief, you are be-
become whole again. Intention is defined as being conscious of ing immature. If your feelings are fairly intense, you may be labelled
what you want to experience. A close cousin to “affirmation,” it overly emotional or needy. If your feelings are extremely intense, you
is using the power of positive thought to produce a desired result. may even be referred to as crazy or a “pathological mourner.”
When you set your intention to heal, you make a true commit- As a professional grief counsellor, I assure you that you are not
ment to positively influence the course of your journey. You prob- immature, overly emotional or crazy. But the societal messages
ably know the cliché: “Time heals all wounds.” Yet, time alone surrounding grief that you may receive are!
does not heal the wounds of grief that come with suicide. I like
to remind myself and other survivors that healing waits on wel- If you fear emotions and see them as negative, you will be at risk for
come, not on time! Healing and integrating this loss into your life crying alone and in private. Yet, being secretive with your emotions
demands that you engage actively in the grief journey. doesn’t integrate your painful feelings of loss; it complicates them.
Then even more pain comes from trying to keep the pain secret. You
cannot hide your feelings and find renewed meaning in your life. If
A Vital Distinction: Shock Versus Denial you are dishonest about your pain, you stay in pain.
Shock along with elements of denial is a temporary, healthy re-
sponse that essentially says, “The reality of the suicide death of
someone dear to me is too painful to acknowledge right now. Grief Is Not a Disease
Therefore I refuse to believe it.” While this is a natural initial You have probably already discovered that no quick fix exists for
reaction to suicide, you will hinder your eventual healing if you the pain you are enduring. Grief following a suicide is naturally
stay in long-term denial. complex, and it is easy to feel overwhelmed. But I promise you
that if you can think, feel and see yourself as an active participant
There are various forms of denial that as a survivor, you must in your healing, you will slowly but surely experience a renewed
work to break through: sense of meaning and purpose in your life.
Conscious Denial: This is where you hide the fact that the
Grief is not a disease. To be human means coming to know loss
death was suicide. You may tell people it was a heart attack, mur-
as part of your life. While the grief that accompanies suicide is a
der or an unexplained sudden death.
powerful, life-changing experience, so, too, is your ability to help
Innocent Denial: This is where you hold onto the hope that facilitate your own healing.
the findings that ruled the death a suicide were a mistake and will
be changed at a later date. I invite you to gently confront the pain of your grief. Be open to
the miracle of healing. Integrating the grief that comes with a
Blame as Denial: This is where you blame someone else for suicide death requires your willingness. You must have willing-
the suicide, thereby denying the choice someone made to take ness or you would not have picked up this article. Follow your
his or her own life. willingness, and allow it to bless you.
Pretense and Denial: This is where the unwritten family rule is
In large part, healing from a suicide death is anchored in a deci-
that you never talk about the death or use the word suicide at any time.
sion to not judge yourself but to love yourself. Grief is a call for
The motivations for these types of denial are multiple and com- love. So, if you are judging yourself and where you are in this
plex. Often, people don’t even realize they are in denial. So, if journey, STOP! When you stop judging the multitude of emo-
you discover you have gone beyond shock into some form of pro- tions that come with your grief, you are left with acceptance, and
longed denial, do not shame or ridicule yourself. when you have acceptance (or surrender), you have love. Love
will lead you into and through the wilderness, to a place where
But here is the problem: By staying in denial, you miss the oppor- you will come out of the dark and into the light.
tunity to do the grief work related to your feelings. Until denial is
broken through and the pain is experienced, you are on hold and
authentic mourning cannot take place. About the Author
This article is excerpted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s book
Face Any Inappropriate Expectations Understanding Your Suicide Grief, available at book stores and at
You are at risk for having inappropriate expectations about this Dr. Wolfelt’s website, www.centerforloss.com. Dr. Wolfelt is an
internationally-noted author, teacher and grief counsellor. He serves
death. These expectations result from common societal messages as director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is an
that tell you to “be strong” in the face of life losses. Invariably, educational consultant to funeral homes, hospices, hospitals, schools
some well-intentioned people around you will urge you to “move and a variety of community agencies across North America.

3. Laughing By Dr. Earl A. Grollman
When It Hurts: Part I
Ask your counselees: “When did you start to feel better again?”
Their frequent response: “When I could laugh without feeling guilty.”
M
any bereaved people feel uncomfortable when they Learn from Recent History
laugh. To them, any signs of merriment are a betrayal of
their loved one’s memory. For some, their never-ending Some of you may recall that after 9-11, the population was reluc-
heartache is the indication of being the perfect grieving spouse, tant to tell jokes. Some comedy clubs closed. People first dared
child, father, sibling or friend. It is a sign of their eternal loyalty. to laugh when in Jay Leno’s monologue on the “Tonight Show,”
he was asked, “Where does Osama bin Laden sleep?” Jay Leno’s
Grief therapist, Judy Tatelbaum, recalled her own agony in the response, “If I knew that I’d have the $25-million ransom.” The
hospice newsletter Journeys: “It took me fourteen years to get audience howled. Some later said, “It felt so good to laugh when
over the loss of my older brother when I was seventeen. I stayed you are in so much pain.” There was light at the end of the tun-
pretty much frozen in the idea that I had to honor my brother by nel. As America’s comedian, Bill Cosby, sums it up, “If you can
grieving every day.” find humor in anything, you can survive it.”
But it’s OK to live and laugh again. Our bodies, minds and spirits
need a break from the piercing hurt. Like a safety valve, we need a Learn from Norman Cousins
shift of perspective by restoring a needed sense of balance. Thera-
pists must grant permission to experience humour just as we grant Norman Cousins, the former editor of the Saturday Review,
them our concurrence to grieve and express their mourning reac- was largely responsible for bringing the medical community
tions. We learn from many sources. to a clearer understanding of humour as a healing potential.
In 1964, he was in intolerable pain because of a serious ar-
thritic disease of the bones and joints. Physicians gave him
Learn from Children scant hope for recovery.
Babies begin to laugh at the age of two or three months, and Cousins described what ensued in his book, Anatomy of Illness.
the rate of laughter increases in the next years until it is es- His regimen was reading humorous books, watching the Marx
timated that they average 40 to 75 times a day. Compare it Brothers films and episodes of Candid Camera – and surround-
with the average adult – only 12 times a day! Elders lose their ing himself with friends who made him laugh. He said that 10
laughter edge together with their talents for finger painting. minutes of laughter afforded him two hours of pain-free sleep.
Children can be our teachers. When they are acting silly and Gradually, he reduced the need for analgesics and sedatives. Of
we scream at them, “Act your age” or “Grow up,” perhaps it is course, humour does not replace medical interventions but his
we who need some joyful lightness to balance our complicated message continues – laughter has positive effects on the body,
lives. mind and spirit.

4. Learn from A prime example of humour’s abil-
Physiological Research ity to help deal with tragedy was the
hospital setting of the television series
The Journal of the American Medi- MASH. Agonizing scenes balanced
cal Association asserts that laughter with laughter made each presentation
creates medical changes in the body both engaging and memorable. We
because it involves the diaphragm, were able to laugh through our tears.
throat, abdomen, heart and lungs.
Frequent laughter empties the lungs. The Duke University Medical Center
Each time we laugh, we help to rid Humor Project has a Laugh Mobile
ourselves of excess carbon dioxide program that has been duplicated
and the water vapour that is building around the world. Skillful volunteers
up. It is replaced with oxygen-rich air. help both patients and their families
with humorous interventions both for
There is a lowering level of stress hor- the hospital as well as for home use.
mones, allowing the immune system
to grow stronger. Arteries are contracted and relaxed by released In Texas, the “Living Room” at Houston’s St. Joseph Hospital
hormones called “catecholamines,” affording tranquil sensations. features performances by standup comedians, clowns, magi-
cians and musicians. While in Hawaii, the G.N. Wilcox Me-
Dr. Lee S. Berk of the Loma Linda School of Public Health as- morial Hospital has a videocassette comedy library for patients
serts, “It’s no longer mystical. We have always heard that laughter and families. Hospitals in the United States and Canada have
is good for you. Now we have gathered the hard, serious stuff to creative programs with humour as an important ingredient for
show why this is so.” coping with trauma.
Many hospitals and hospices, as well as churches, synagogues
Learn from Psychological Research and mosques have bereavement support groups. Mourners usu-
ally sit in a circle and relate personal experiences, both happy
Laughter is therapeutic psychological as well. Sigmund Freud
and sad. Laughter is encouraged and welcomed without feel-
noted the powerful influence of humour: “Like wit and the comic,
ings of guilt.
humor has a liberating element…. It refuses to suppress the slings
and arrows of reality.” The father of psychoanalysis devoted an A word of warning: “Laughter as an antidote to grief can be haz-
entire volume on humour entitled: Wit and Its Relationship to ardous to depression.”
the Unconscious.
While Part I emphasizes the role of humour in clinical experi-
Laughter offers a sense of relief to the pent-up emotional tensions ences, Part II will address humour in our cultural and religious
of grief. Human tragedy can be so overwhelming that we must re- life, with practical advice for the professionals.
duce it before we are able to liberate our hidden emotions. That is
why serious thoughts are often expressed in jest. We feel more in
control, more powerful and carefree. By venting negative feelings
of despair and helplessness, we affirm a more positive approach to About the Author
life’s events. We really “lighten up!”
Dr. Earl A. Grollman, a pioneer in crisis management, is internationally
acclaimed as a writer and lecturer. A recipient of the Death Education
Learn from Hospitals and Hospices Award by the Association for Death Education and Counseling, his
books on coping with bereavement have sold close to a million copies.
Hospitals and hospices are well aware of laughter’s potential both
For further information, visit www.beacon.org/grollman.
for patients with serious illness as well as for survivors after the
death of their loved ones.