Erotic Intelligence  For the Recovering WomanAlexandra Katehakis, MFT, CSAT-S, CST-S    www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
What is Erotic Intelligence?                     •  Intelligence:•  Erotic:           •  the ability to learn or•  of, dev...
Problematic/Addictive Sex                                •  Sex addicts lack EI                                   – they a...
Can we achieve Erotic Intelligence and       move towards sexual wholeness?•  Sexuality is at the core of our personhood• ...
Shame-Based Sexuality =     Problematic or Addictive Sex•  Addictive sex is rigid and unimaginative•  Reenactment of past ...
What is Intimacy…                   •  What 2 people                      share who are                      in an agreed ...
How does intimacy                  relate to sexuality?•  Intimacy is NOT a   euphemism for sex!  Great sex is the result ...
Four Cornerstones of Intimacy•  Self-Knowledge•  Comfort and Connection•  Responsibility with discernment•  Empathy with e...
Cornerstone #1 Self-Knowledge               •  Take a stand for your personal                  truth even when it’s       ...
Cornerstone #2Comfort and Connection           •  Allows for a deeper relationship with              family and friends   ...
Cornerstone #3         Responsibility with discernment•  You are accountable for your own feelings and   needs meaning you...
Cornerstone #4               Empathy with Emotion•  Empathy is the ability to   recognize or feel another   person’s thoug...
Four Cornerstones =               Differentiation•  You have the ability to not overreact to your   partner’s upset•  You ...
Differentiation =            Intimacy with Self and Other•  The relationship game is about you   making you okay!•  You ha...
How do we becomesexually adult women?                   •  Healthy Sex +                   •  Intimate Sex +              ...
Healthy Sex…Being present, focused and embodied means:         Focus on the here and now                 Slow down        ...
Healthy Sex…         •  Adds to your well being         •  Is free from behaviors that create            destruction to yo...
Deconstructing your sexuality…•  Where do you limit   yourself sexually?•  What scares you about   sex or your sexuality?•...
Moving toward intimate sex…•  Desiring another takes work over time•  First, you discuss your sexual desires and   prefere...
Intimate Sex…Strong connection to one’s partner     Good, clear boundaries         Self-knowledge         Self-acceptance ...
Conscious ConnectionEach person makes an activechoice to be the kind of partner theywant to beYou choose your partner beca...
Your positive sexuality, cont…•  What are the real reasons   you are “shy” to talk about   what you like sexually?•  What ...
Be Explicit!•  Speak what’s on your mind in a clear and practical way,   this is an absolute necessity in relationships.• ...
Create Sexual Agreements•  Sex is relational               •  Can you give and receive•  Bring a sense of play and        ...
Play!                  •  Play with each other                     in loving, adoring,                     respectful, rau...
Challenge Your Sexual Limitations•  Men often say, “I wish she         •  Being able to use sexually   was more wild and a...
Pillow Talk•  Two aspects of   pillow talk are   essential to your   well-being. 1) Being   able to say “no,”   mean it, a...
Moving toward erotic sex…•  Erotic relates to having the   intention to arouse sexual   desire in oneself and the   other....
Erotic Sex…        Deep, penetrating sense of trustMutual respect, deep caring, genuine acceptance          Desire, chemis...
Erotic Sex•  Erotic sex happens when        •  Touching each other is one   you have truly taken a stand      key to eroti...
Essence of Eroticism•  Setting the erotic stage by   evoking the five senses is a                •  “No matter how   good ...
Essence of Eroticism, cont’d.               •  Our brains are stimulated by what                  we see. The more novel i...
Essence of Eroticism, cont’d.•  Sex is about inviting a kind of nervous   excitement where there’s no rush to   cover it u...
Sexual Fantasy             •  “Sexual fantasies may call               forth new life in the guise of                  new...
Sexual Fantasy•  In adult sexuality, you pay attention   to your current fantasies and discuss   them with your partner an...
Masturbation…•  What’s the purpose of masturbation?•  Do you tell your partner that you   masturbate?•  What do you think ...
Sexual Fantasy Cont’d.                                •  You are willing to give up•  You and your partner build          ...
Your erotic sexuality              •  How do you arouse                 sexual desire in                 yourself?        ...
Spiritual Sex…Emotional nakedness: vulnerability and surrender           Loss of constricting beliefs      Sense of bliss,...
Spiritualizing Sex                          •  “Love is our true                       destiny. We do not find            ...
Spiritualizing Sex•  Spiritual sex combines how you express   your love with your intentions or   blessings you bring to y...
Spiritualizing Sex - Breathing•  During sex, stop, relax and notice the sexual   excitement in your bodies. Breathe togeth...
Spiritualizing Sex - Ritual•  Rituals prepare each of you to meet the sacred in   each other. Breathing, prayer or meditat...
Spiritualizing Sex•  Spiritual sex is about the   attitude of respect and actions   of kindness. It can also be fun   and ...
Erotic Intelligence is……the ability to make sexual choices that affirm life in healthy,       imaginative, and exciting wa...
HCI Publications, Inc.                         •  Igniting Hot,                            Healthy Sex                    ...
http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
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Alex Katehakis - Center for Healthy Sex - Erotic Intelligence for Recovering Women

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Based on her book Erotic Intelligence: Igniting hot, healthy sex while in recovery from sex addiction, Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CSAT-S, CST-S, walks women through a presentation to help them hone their inner Erotic Intelligence.

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Alex Katehakis - Center for Healthy Sex - Erotic Intelligence for Recovering Women

  1. 1. Erotic Intelligence For the Recovering WomanAlexandra Katehakis, MFT, CSAT-S, CST-S www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  2. 2. What is Erotic Intelligence? •  Intelligence:•  Erotic: •  the ability to learn or•  of, devoted to, or understand or to tending to deal with new or arouse sexual trying situations: love or desire •  REASON: also, the skilled use of reason
  3. 3. Problematic/Addictive Sex •  Sex addicts lack EI – they are aroused by sexual desire but are often devoid of the skilled use of reason. •  Does desire own you or do you own your desire? http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  4. 4. Can we achieve Erotic Intelligence and move towards sexual wholeness?•  Sexuality is at the core of our personhood•  When our sexuality is tampered with in any way as a child or young person it creates a shame- based sexuality and shame-based sense of self•  Shame is at the core of most sexual dysfunction•  Sexual shame is at the core of sexual addiction http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  5. 5. Shame-Based Sexuality = Problematic or Addictive Sex•  Addictive sex is rigid and unimaginative•  Reenactment of past trauma•  Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  6. 6. What is Intimacy… •  What 2 people share who are in an agreed confidence with one another http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  7. 7. How does intimacy relate to sexuality?•  Intimacy is NOT a euphemism for sex! Great sex is the result of intimacy. Intimacy is knowing yourself as well as building a deeper relationship with another person. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  8. 8. Four Cornerstones of Intimacy•  Self-Knowledge•  Comfort and Connection•  Responsibility with discernment•  Empathy with emotion http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  9. 9. Cornerstone #1 Self-Knowledge •  Take a stand for your personal truth even when it’s uncomfortable, in order to create change •  Self knowledge means you are comfortable knowing who you are http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  10. 10. Cornerstone #2Comfort and Connection •  Allows for a deeper relationship with family and friends •  Develop a capacity to comfort your anxieties and connect without reacting to your partner’s feelings •  Connection creates novelty in the brain •  If the connection is sustained, a stable relationship can form http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  11. 11. Cornerstone #3 Responsibility with discernment•  You are accountable for your own feelings and needs meaning you are assertive, direct, and speak up for yourself•  You tell the truth even though it may be difficult to say and for the other to hear•  You listen to your partner’s response rather than reacting to it because you’re hurting•  You are truthful about preferences vs. being mean and hurtful http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  12. 12. Cornerstone #4 Empathy with Emotion•  Empathy is the ability to recognize or feel another person’s thoughts and moods•  Can you empathize with how your partner feels?•  Can you understand and validate how those feelings affect them?•  Can you do this without making their feelings about you? http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  13. 13. Four Cornerstones = Differentiation•  You have the ability to not overreact to your partner’s upset•  You can operate autonomously even though your partner may want you to do things their way•  You can tolerate the tension that is inherent in every relationship, especially the tension that comes with living with someone and loving them deeply http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  14. 14. Differentiation = Intimacy with Self and Other•  The relationship game is about you making you okay!•  You have to allow for discomfort in order to grow up emotionally and sexually•  Create a healthy inter-dependency•  No blame, no shame, no games http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  15. 15. How do we becomesexually adult women? •  Healthy Sex + •  Intimate Sex + •  Erotic Sex + •  Spiritual Sex = •  Erotic Intelligence! http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  16. 16. Healthy Sex…Being present, focused and embodied means: Focus on the here and now Slow down http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  17. 17. Healthy Sex… •  Adds to your well being •  Is free from behaviors that create destruction to your psyche, feelings and physical body •  Healthy sex can have a tone of innocence and simplicity that feels beneficial, healthful and sound •  May restore your character as a result of the sexual act because it feels good in the moment and leaves you feeling good afterwards •  Healthy sex is free from shame and pain and does not create disorder or dramahttp://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  18. 18. Deconstructing your sexuality…•  Where do you limit yourself sexually?•  What scares you about sex or your sexuality?•  How does the culture at large inform you about sex and sexuality?•  What impact does this have on your sexuality? http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com www.thecenterforhealthysex. com
  19. 19. Moving toward intimate sex…•  Desiring another takes work over time•  First, you discuss your sexual desires and preferences to assist your move into intimacy and openness•  All decisions about how to approach your preferences for desire and arousal are “in the moment” and involve mutual willingness•  Your goals are to stay truthful about what you’re learning about your sexuality and your partner’s sexuality while managing the tension you are feeling http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  20. 20. Intimate Sex…Strong connection to one’s partner Good, clear boundaries Self-knowledge Self-acceptance Sense of humor and laughter http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  21. 21. Conscious ConnectionEach person makes an activechoice to be the kind of partner theywant to beYou choose your partner becauseyou want her, not someone elseA realistic view of intimate sex is thatyour sexual desire and that of yourpartner consistently changes,requiring adaptation throughout thelifespan http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  22. 22. Your positive sexuality, cont…•  What are the real reasons you are “shy” to talk about what you like sexually?•  What stops you from making preparations for sex and/or planning?•  What arouses sexual desire in you? http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com www.thecenterforhealthysex. com
  23. 23. Be Explicit!•  Speak what’s on your mind in a clear and practical way, this is an absolute necessity in relationships.•  When you make your thoughts explicit in relationships, you start the critical conversations. This challenges you to stay present with the process.•  Extend your generosity to your partner in all ways http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  24. 24. Create Sexual Agreements•  Sex is relational •  Can you give and receive•  Bring a sense of play and compliments without joy to your sexuality shame?•  Notice and compliment •  What does it feel like to your partner. Speak your be seen as a sexual appreciations aloud. being? Sensuality desires and calls for a lavish •  Can you revel and delight abundance of words, in that? thoughts, and feelings. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  25. 25. Play! •  Play with each other in loving, adoring, respectful, raunchy ways •  Raunchy meaning earthy, sexual, and explicit.http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  26. 26. Challenge Your Sexual Limitations•  Men often say, “I wish she •  Being able to use sexually was more wild and animal explicit language is like” arousing to the brain and is•  Women often say, “I wish important in the language of he was more relational.” eroticism.•  Look at the disowned parts •  You must have your hearts of yourself (shame) and in place in order to talk in challenge yourself to these ways or to try new change. things.•  The goal is to meet in the arena of eroticism, which is different from the arena of intimate love, but includes it. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  27. 27. Pillow Talk•  Two aspects of pillow talk are essential to your well-being. 1) Being able to say “no,” mean it, and have your boundaries respected. 2) Saying “yes,” being heard and following through. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  28. 28. Moving toward erotic sex…•  Erotic relates to having the intention to arouse sexual desire in oneself and the other.•  Arousal is a verb, and erotic translates into actions and insinuation, which can be subtle, solitary or shared. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  29. 29. Erotic Sex… Deep, penetrating sense of trustMutual respect, deep caring, genuine acceptance Desire, chemistry, attraction Love http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  30. 30. Erotic Sex•  Erotic sex happens when •  Touching each other is one you have truly taken a stand key to erotica. for who you are sexually and have revealed it to yourself •  If you were creating a and your partner. seductive, romantic evening with your partner•  Differentiation is the balance for hot sex, what would it between individuality and look like? being together.•  Erotic sex allows a freedom to unleash the ravenous while staying relational. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  31. 31. Essence of Eroticism•  Setting the erotic stage by evoking the five senses is a •  “No matter how good platform with which to familiar we are with begin. each other, with our•  A slow pace during erotic sex keeps the entire body surroundings, we stimulated rather than going cannot get bored if for brain stimulation, the we truly pay dopamine surge and “getting off.” attention.”•  The man must understand •  Philip T. Sudo how to slow to the women’s pace. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  32. 32. Essence of Eroticism, cont’d. •  Our brains are stimulated by what we see. The more novel it is, the more interesting and arousing to the brain and body. •  There is a definite connection between auditory stimulation and the experience of sexual pleasure. Studies show that focus on sounds of your bodies during sex increase arousal and orgasm. •  Taste and smell are intertwined sensory modalities for stimulating pleasures and fragrant memories. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  33. 33. Essence of Eroticism, cont’d.•  Sex is about inviting a kind of nervous excitement where there’s no rush to cover it up or push it away. You accept that part of your adult sexuality, and you recognize it as the engine that arouses you and your partner.•  Speak your love, your carnal desire, what you are seeing, would like to see or do with your partner, whether it be lovely, lustful, or lascivious. This kind of connection flames your partner’s physical arousal. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  34. 34. Sexual Fantasy •  “Sexual fantasies may call forth new life in the guise of new sexual experiences, and so the motive for repressing these fantasies may not be as much moral sensitivity as fear of life’s irrepressible abundance.” •  Thomas Moorehttp://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  35. 35. Sexual Fantasy•  In adult sexuality, you pay attention to your current fantasies and discuss them with your partner and listen to his or hers without reaction or judgment.•  In a healthy relationship, sexual fantasies keep desire alive.•  Both partner-replacement fantasies and mental wanderings are an escape from emotional connection with your partner.•  Fantasies that include your partner and that you invent together increase your erotic styles. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  36. 36. Masturbation…•  What’s the purpose of masturbation?•  Do you tell your partner that you masturbate?•  What do you think about when you masturbate?•  Do you tell your partner about your sexual fantasies?•  Do your fantasies include your partner? http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com www.thecenterforhealthysex. com
  37. 37. Sexual Fantasy Cont’d. •  You are willing to give up•  You and your partner build control, be in a state of your sexual fantasies together, about, and with not knowing, and make a one another, means you space for your eroticism have no secrets, no shame to emerge. and no abuse. •  Erotic sex requires the•  In erotic sex, we invite the maturity and spiritual. responsibility for oneself•  When fully naked and and the other that only vulnerable, sexual potential comes from surrender and an adult can muster. not trying. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  38. 38. Your erotic sexuality •  How do you arouse sexual desire in yourself? •  How do you arouse sexual desire in your partner? •  What do you need to work on? http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com www.thecenterforhealthysex. com
  39. 39. Spiritual Sex…Emotional nakedness: vulnerability and surrender Loss of constricting beliefs Sense of bliss, peace, and healing Sense of “high” akin to meditation http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  40. 40. Spiritualizing Sex •  “Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another. The meaning of our life is a secret that has to be revealed to us in love, by the one we love.” •  Thomas Mertonhttp://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  41. 41. Spiritualizing Sex•  Spiritual sex combines how you express your love with your intentions or blessings you bring to your partnering.•  Spiritualizing sex is willingness…we create a spiritual bond through a commitment to completely know ourselves with our partner.•  To be true to the nature of your gender, the feminine opens to energy and invites the masculine in. The masculine directs the energy to empower the feminine to feel it, be warmed by it, to http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com glow in it.
  42. 42. Spiritualizing Sex - Breathing•  During sex, stop, relax and notice the sexual excitement in your bodies. Breathe together and feel the warmth as it radiates throughout. Notice what you feel in this engagement.•  Breathing is not a one-breath event, but a conscious, circular experience. You relax and focus on the breathing, you’ll flow in and out; sensations heighten, and tensions release. You are fully present with your partner. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  43. 43. Spiritualizing Sex - Ritual•  Rituals prepare each of you to meet the sacred in each other. Breathing, prayer or meditation sets the stage for inviting your highest selves to a sexual feast.•  Rituals start as simple acts of preparation or kindness. Repeated rituals are a means to train your body and your mind to focus fully on the event and engage the person with heart and respect. Rituals create the time, space and energy to connect with each other. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  44. 44. Spiritualizing Sex•  Spiritual sex is about the attitude of respect and actions of kindness. It can also be fun and reverential, giving you the freedom to try things your way, not in the prescribed ways we learned or how our culture determines it.•  Spiritual sex suggests that you move beyond orgasm into the connection with yourself, your partner and the divine, recognizing them all as one. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  45. 45. Erotic Intelligence is……the ability to make sexual choices that affirm life in healthy, imaginative, and exciting ways. In healthy sexual relationships, eroticism is the deliberate seeking of pleasurefor the sake of connection with oneself or another without sex or orgasm necessarily being the end point. One of the great challenges of living a recovered life is toexperience this kind of sex with a partner with whom one feelssafe, secure and connected with, while revealing the depths of our erotic, sexual, spiritual selves. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  46. 46. HCI Publications, Inc. •  Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex After Recovery From Sex Addictionhttp://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
  47. 47. http://www.TheCenterforHealthySex.com
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