Informational Powerpointto Aperture Science’s Inclusions Provided by Cave Johnson
Greetings, viewers! This informational power-point provided by my own slides will be obviously informational for the newcomers and employees for entertainment and other. Before I start, I’d like to say greetings! I’m Cave Johnson, Somehow unpopular despite CEO of Aperture Science! Enjoy.
Test Chambers Most assume test chambers are just walls, a ceiling and a floor. They are. Except they’re also much more than that, and the other things didn’t come across my mind because they just.. Didn’t. So, what are test chambers besides walls and a floor? That’s easy! Air! That’s right, our air is pumped freshly through oxygen generators. I won’t lie to you people, we’ve had problems, though you’d have to refer to the Q&A for any related notes. But our air is freshly pumped, close to infinite (97%)! With a little of added CO2 into there. Now, the walls. Walls are just walls. Boring. Sit there all day and develop mold quite like my employees sitting in chairs doing nothing all day (I fired them). Fortunately for us we’ve solved both of those problems and made the walls able to allow portals upon them. Now yes, it’s not a surprise. There are walls in practically EVERY test chamber capable of placing portals on. It’s not much of a surprise since you NEED portals to solve the test. Unless you don’t, in which case I’ll have Caroline not give you a medal, but have you kicked out for failing the test the way I wanted you to.
Panels Fully configurable, infinitely variable and safe.. Is what my thought was before the panels started killing our test subjects with minds of their own Is what I and the employees say about them! Test chambers used to just be there, just sitting there begging you with it’s unforgivably frightening voice between your ears… Until the Aperture Science panel addition! That’s right. Now instead of tiring your feet for the exit, panels can assist everyone to their destination! Okay, I’ll be honest. This slide wasn’t necessary, but it was for our elder test subjects. Most of our death certificates associated with most of our old people had them tiring out literally right in between the exit door, resulting in.. Well, you get the point. Therefore our panels helped them! Now we just have to figure out how to stop them from falling asleep under crushers. Good stuff!
Aperture Science Handheld Portal DeviceOr the Aperture Science Quantum Tunneling Device ..Or ASHPD, if you will! Although, I’d refrain from actually saying that in real life otherwise my lab boys purposely attempt to kill you whilst asking for an apology.. They aren’t monkeys, though. Trust me. At first glance, our quite regular and criticized Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device seems, well, regular. I mean, it’s just a beam on the top with an aperture logo imprinted on the side. That, and it has no sense of artistic taste whatsoever. It’s just white. Though, I informed everyone to not take this thing for granted! Not just because it’s a stupid analogy, but because it’ll also set off my employees.. The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device is ridiculously important to them. Hell, we have over 120,000 in stock and yet they act as if we only have one. Gets on my nerves. Anyway, the plain Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device without any artistic style is by far our best invention. Each and every one of our chambers as well as test subjects rely on it! Even the gels! (not the rigged gel, the regular gel). I must, MUST inform you that you may not take it apart and mess with the miniature black hole inside the device. Yes, you were probably expecting something more smarter-sounding than just “don’t mess with it”, but at the end of the day, I‘m serious. Don’t mess with the damn device.
The Quantum Space Hole So, you learned about the Aperture Science Handhe– ASHPD. Now you’re wondering “what’s the hole it shoots out called?” Well, okay. You probably aren’t concerned about the name of the hole, but how it works. But to answer the predicted question and be perfectly clear and un-logical like, it shoots a hole.. But doesn’t. To be perfectly unclear and logical, it doesn’t shoot a hole. First off, that’s impossible. How do you shoot a hole? It’s a beam, which then expands to become.. Yes. A Quantum Space Hole! Now, the hole itself is the most complicated part. The hardest part is hoping for our lives that we aren’t the first ever victims of a catastrophically ridiculous black hole incident. The easiest part.. Well, there isn’t really. We spent a number of years attempting to develop the thing. Honestly, if you want to know how the tunneling process works, ask an employee.
The Science to it all “Aperture Science? Not built on the shoulders of giants!” Is what I told the thousands of newcomers to my facility. I also told them it should be a historic quote. The Science in Aperture Science is everything. Assuming you think the science is just the panels, the portals, the test chambers, test subjects and the whole figuring-out-it-all process.. It isn’t. The Science is that, but with the employees. Yes, next time say all that, but don’t forget employees. Because to be honest, the word employee is a boring word. They helped develop the puzzles within the chambers, they helped gather helpless test subjects, they even created all the FUN that is within Aperture Science as well as the beauty. I’m getting all teary-eyed writing this, but it’s true. Also, any employee reading this far is to get back to work immediately. Or you’re fired. Thanks.
The Conclusion With that all said, I thank you as a newcomer, a test subject, employee, monkey or otherwise for taking your precious time to read this instead of doing science. After all, every letter you just read is the equivalent to 500+ Science Safety Opportunity Points. Good job, people!