Healing the hurt in your marriage

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Healing the hurt in your marriage

  1. 1. HEALING THE HURTS INOUR MARRIAGES
  2. 2. • ONE OF THE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE IS THE SPOUSES’ ABILITY TO HEAL THEIR HURTS AS SOON AS THEY OCCUR. BUT WHY DO WE HURT EACH OTHER AS HUSBAND AND WIFE? WHY DO TWO PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMMITTED TO LOVE EACH OTHER FOR LIFETIME SOMETIMES FORGET EACH OTHER, IGNORE THE OTHER OR TURN ON EACH OTHER?
  3. 3. • THE ANSWER IS THAT MARRIAGE IS MADE UP OF TWO IMPERFECT PEOPLE WHO ARE SOMETIMES THOUGHTLESS, INSENSITIVE, UNKIND OR DOWNRIGHT SELFISH. AND TWO IMPERFECT PEOPLE SHARING THE SAME SPACE ARE BOUND TO GET INTO SOME DISAGREEMETS.
  4. 4. • WE ALL GET INTO THESE MARITAL SQUABLES NOW AND THEN NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE MAY WISH TO AVOID THEM; AND HOW SAD WE FEEL WHEN THEY HAPPEN. SO IT IS IMPORTANT FOR EVERY SPOUSE TO KNOW THAT EVERY MARRIAGE HAS ITS SHARE OF RELATIONAL MISUNDERSTANDINGS, MISTAKES, CLASHES AND HARD TIME.
  5. 5. • SOME OF THE SOURCES OF OUR HURTS ARE VERY ACUTE. SOME CAN BE MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS, BETRAYAL, OR EVEN VIOLENCE. IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW DEEPLY YOU LOVE EACH OTHER; WHEN CONFLICT COMES, IT CAN BADLY HURT YOU. BUT WHAT DO YOU WHEN IT COMES?
  6. 6. • MANY COUPLES DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN THEY ARE HURTING. THEY DO NOTHING AND SO THEY SLOWLY DRIFT APART FROM EACH OTHER. THE NUMBER ONE SOURCE OF BAD MARRIAGES IS HABITUAL AVOIDANCE OF CONFLICT. DEFINITELY IF ONE SPOUSE OR BOTH OF THEM TRY TO PRETEND THAT THERE IS NO TROUBLE, OR JUST KEEP QUIET AS IF IT IS NOT THERE, WHILE INSIDE OF THEM IS HURTING, THE GAP WILL CONTINUE WIDENING.
  7. 7. • AND SO RATHER THAN TRYING TO HEAL OUR HURTS, AND MOVE ON WITH LIFE, WE ALLOW OUR PROBLEMS TO PILE UP, MISTAKENLY OR SECRETLY WISHING THAT TIME WILL BRING A HEALING TO OUR WOUNDS. BUT IT DOES NOT. INSTEAD, STORED AND UNRESOLVED CONFLICTS AND UNHEALED HURTS HARDEN OUR HEARTS AND DRIVE A WEDGE BETWEEN US AS THE HUSBANDS AND THE WIVES.
  8. 8. • IF YOU DO NOT INTENTIONALLY PLAN TO HEAL YOUR HURTS, BUT KEEP ON BURRYING THEM INTO YOUR HEARTS, YOU WILL FEEL STUCK AND UNHAPPY, LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE, AND MAY BE GOING TO THE SAME CHURCH, BEARING THE SAME NAME[ MR AND MRS…]. WHAT A TERRIBLE LIFE THAT IS! THE MARRIAGE DREAM THAT YOU ONCE SHARED WILL DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH.
  9. 9. •THE PATH OF FORGIVING LOVE.
  10. 10. •HOW DO WE HEAL OUR HURTS? WHAT DO WE DO? WHERE DO WE START TO SOLVE OUR HURTS WHEN THEY COME? THREE THINGS ARE NEEDED FOR YOUR HEALING.
  11. 11. • 1. YOU KNEED TO COME TO GRIPS WITH THE REALITY THAT YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE CAUSE EACH THER PAIN FROM TIME TO TIME. IT MAY NOT BE INTENTIONAL AND YOU MAY NOT EVEN BE AWARE OF IT WHEN IT HAPPENS. BUT IT HAPPENS IN THE DAY TO DAY COURSE OF YOUR LIFE TOGETHER THROUGH WHAT YOU SAY OR FAIL TO SAY, AND THROUGH WHAT WE DO OR FAIL TO DO. ADMIT THAT BOTH OF YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE. IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO TANGLE AND IT WILL TAKE THE SAME TO UNTANGLE.
  12. 12. • 2. YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN THE INVITABLE CONFLICTS AND PAIN OCCUR IN YOUR MARRIAGE. CONFLICTS MUST BE RESOLVED. OFFENSES MUST BE CONFESSED AND FORGIVEN. HURTS MUST BE HEALED. THE BIBLICAL WAY OF SOLVING ANY PROBLEM IS FACING IT. TO CAIN HE SAID, ‘SIN IS CROUCHING AT THE DOOR, AND ITS DESIRE IS FOR YOU, BUT YOU MUST OVERCOME IT” GEN 4:7.
  13. 13. • 3. YOU NEED TO PUT GOD’S PLAN INTO PRACTICE WHEN CONFLICT AND HURT HAPPEN IN YOUR MARRIAGE. PRAYER ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH. YOU MUST PUT INTO PRACTICE WHAT YOU KNOW TO BE THE WAY OUT. JESUS SAID, “NOW THAT YOU KNOW THESE THINGS, YOU WILL BE BLESSED IF YOU DO THEM.” JOHN 13:17. THE PRODIGAL SON WAS IN MESS. HE BY CHOICE LANDED HIMSELF THERE. HOW DID HE COME OUT OF THE TROUBLE? HE CAME TO HIS SENSES. HE MADE UP HIS MIND. HE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING AND FOR SURE HE DID. LUKE 15:17. FOR YOU TO COME OUT OF YOUR HURTS IN YOUR MARRIAGE, YOU MUST DECIDE TO COME OUT OF IT AND DO IT.
  14. 14. •HINRANCES TOHEALING HURTS IN YOUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP
  15. 15. •AS YOU ALL KNOW THERE ARE THINGS IF ENTERTAINED BY A WIFE, HUSBAND OR BOTH, WILL NOT BRING ANY HEALING TO THE HURTS THE SPOUSES EXPERIENCE. SOME OF THESE ARE:
  16. 16. • 1. PRIDE. PRIDE MAY BE THE MOST DESTRUCTIVE AND HARMFUL IMPENDMENT TO HEALING OF HURTS IN A MARRIAGE. NO WONDER THE BIBLE SAYS, “PRIDE GOES BEFORE DESTRUCTION AND HAUGHTINESS BEFORE A FALL” PROVERBS 16:18. THIS TYPE OF PRIDE REFUSES TO ADMIT FAULTS, PLACING BLAMES FOR PROBLEMS AND ON CONFLICTS ON OTHERS. IT IS A TYPE OF PRIDE THAT CAUSES EITHER THE HUSBAND, THE WIFE OR BOTH TO STAND FIRM ON HIS/HER OPINION AND REFUSES TO MAKE THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS HEALING.
  17. 17. • THE OPPOSITE OF PRIDE IS HUMILITY. AND THE FIRST STEP TO HUMILITY IS FOR ONE TO REALIZE THAT HE/SHE IS PROUD. NOTHING ELSE THAT CAN BE DONE TOWARDS HEALING A HURT APART FROM EVERY MARRIED MAN OR WOMAN TO RECOGNIZE THE LEVEL OF PRIDE IN HIS/HER HEART. HUMILITY IS A GIFT THAT WE RARELY ASK FOR BECAUSE IT USUALLY COMES IN THE FORM OF DIFFICULT LESSONS. TAKE CARE OF YOUR PRIDE IN YOUR HEART AND THE FIRST STEP OF PEACE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE IS GOT.
  18. 18. • 2.GUILT. A SPOUSE MAY COMMIT A TERRIBLE, FOOLISH ACT THAT AFFECTS NOT ONLY THE OTHER PARTNER BUT ALSO THE WHOLE FAMILY. E.G PUTTING FAMILY MONEY INTO A GHOST COMPANY AND THE WHOLE FORTUNE IS GONE. THE WIFE, HUSBAND OR CHILDREN MAY SUFFER FINANCIALLY BECAUSE OF THAT. WHEN THE OTHER SPOUSE WISHES TO HELP THE OTHER TO GET OUT OF IT, THE GUILTY ONE CONTINUES TO CRY, WEEP AND DO OTHER NON PROFITABLE ACTS. GUILT HAS OVERCOME HIM/HER. WHAT IS THE WAY FORWARD?
  19. 19. • UNRESOLVED GUILT CAN INHIBIT THE RESTOARATION OF A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP. WHEN YOU FEEL GUILTY YOU NEED TO ASK YOURSELF A POINTED QUESTION, HAVE I VIOLATED THE LAW OF GOD OR HUMANITY THAT WOULD LEAD ME TO FEEL WHAT IAM FEELING? IF YOU ANSWER POSITIVELY THEN YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH TO HEALING. CONFRONT YOUR GUILT. ACCEPT WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG THOUGH YOU INTENDED TO DO RIGHT. DO NOT JUSTFY YOURSELF. . DO NOT SAY, “ I DID IT BUT….” SIMPLY CONFESS YOUR SIN, ASK FOR FORGIVENESS AND THE OFFENDED PARTY. IF THEY ARE ALSO HUMBLE THEY WILL FORGIVE YOU YOUR OFFENSE AND LIFE WILL CONTINUE.
  20. 20. • THE ONLY SURE AND GENUINE WAY, [DIFFICULT AS IT MAY SEEM] OF HEALING YOUR HURT IS CONFESSING YOUR SIN. DO NOT LIVE IN GUILT. THE BIBLE SAYS, “FOR THE SORROW THAT IS ACCORDING TO THE WILL OF GOD PRODUCES A REPENTANCE WITHOUT REGRET, LEADING TO SALVATION; BUT THE SORROW OF THE WORLD PRODUCES DEATH.” 2CORN 7:10. IF YOU CONFESS YOUR SIN, YOUR GUILT WILL GO AWAY AND YOU WILL EXPERIENCE A HEALING AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE RESTORED.
  21. 21. • 3. LAZINESS. THE THIRD ENEMY AND TERRIBLE ROADBLOCK TO HEALING A HURT IN YOUR MARRIAGE IS LAZINESS. MANY MARRIAGES BEGIN WITH A ZEAL FROM BOTH THE SPOUSES. THINK OF THE EFFORT A YOUNG MAN PUTS TO HAVE THE LADY. THINK OF HOW THE LADY PREPARES HERSELF AS SHE PLANS TO MEET THE MAN. BUT AFTER MARRIAGE, A TYPE OF LAZINESS CROPS IN.
  22. 22. • WHEN CONFLICT ARISES, THEY ARE TOO LAZY TO DEAL WITH IT. THEY PULL AWAY FROM THE HEAT AND ESCAPE INTO THEIR FANTASIES, WITH ACTIVITIES SUCH AS HOBBIES, TV, SHOPPING, OR SPORTS. SOME CAN EVEN RESULT TO BIBLE STUDY, CHURCH FUNCTIONS, CHURCH EVENTS AND OTHER SO COMMONLY CALLED “SPIRITUAL MATTERS”
  23. 23. • IT IS IMPORTANT FOR ALL MARRIED PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT LAZINESS CAN KILL A MARRIAGE. IT INDICATES APPATHY, AND APPATHETIC PEOPLE ARE NEVER WILLING TO PUT TIME AND EFFORT INTO MAKINGA MARRIAGE WORK. AT THE END OF THEIR LIVES, THEY LOOK BACK, THEY REALIZE THAT THEY FORFEITED THE INTIMACY AND LOVE THEY REALLY WANTED IN MARRIAGE. LAZINESS LEADS TO REGRETS REMORSE, PAIN AND AT TIMES SEPERATION AND TO THE WORST, DIVORCE. REMEMBER PROVERBS 24:30-34.
  24. 24. • 4. SHAME. ANOTHER HINDRANCE TO MARITAL HALING IS SHAME. SHAME IS DIFFERENT FROM GUILT. GUILT IS DUE TO WHAT I HAVE DONE, NOT DONE, SAID OR NOT SAID. BUT SHAME IS DUE TO WHAT I THINK I AM. SHAME RELATES TO INDIVINDUAL. SHAME IS A SENSE OF BEING UNIQUELY AND HOPELESSLY FLAWED[FULL OF DEFICIENCIES] . SHAME LEAVES A PERSON FEELING DIFFERENT FROM AND LESS VALUABLE THAN OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.
  25. 25. • PEOPLE CONTROLLED BY SHAME DO TWO THINGS IN TRYING TO SOLVE THEIR HURTS OR PROBLEMS, FIRST THEY TRY TO BE PERFECT IN ORDER TO EARN THAT WHICH THEY THINK THEY LACK. AS A RESULT THEY RESIST CONFESSING THEIR FAULTS AND SEEKING FOR FORGIVENESS. THUS HEALING BECOMES DIFFICULT. SECOND, THEY STRIVE FOR CONTROL IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. BUT A MIND SET TO CONTROL CANNOT ACCEPT PERSONAL FAULTS, AND HANDLES CONFLICTS FROM ONE SIDE ONLY, THUS BLOCKING MARITAL HEALING.
  26. 26. • THE SHAME CONTROLLED PERSON NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND TWO KEY BIBLICAL CONCEPTS. FIRST, IS GRACE. GOD’S GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR ALL PEOPLE, OF ALL AGES, SEX. ONE SHOULD NEVER BE ASHAMED OF WHAT HE/SHE IS; SHORT, BLACK, FAT, SLIM. TO PAUL GOD SAID, “MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU…”2CORN 12:9. THE SECOND THING IS OUR POSITION IN CHRIST. WHEN A PERSON RECEIVES CHRIST AS SAVIOR AND LORD, THE INDIVIDUAL IS FULLY ACCEPTED AS A CHILD OF GOD, WITH ALL RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES. JOHN 1:11-13.
  27. 27. • SO BY RECEIVING GOD’S GIFT OF CHRIST IN LIFE, A PERSON IS RELEASED ONCE FOR ALL FROM ALL SINS, PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE. WE ARE RECEIVED IN THE BELOVED SON. WE BECOME BELOVED OF GOD COL 3;12. THIS TYPE OF SPOUSE IS THEREFORE FREE TO TALK AND DISCUSS WITH HIS/HER PARTNER IN A WAY THAT ALL HURTS IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE HEALED AND GOOD AND CORDIAL PEACE BE RESTORED.
  28. 28. • 5. FEAR. FEAR IS PRIMARILY A RESPONSE TO SOMETHING THAT WE PERCEIVE OVERPOWERING OR THREATENING OUR PEACE AND LIFE. FEAR CAN EXERT EITHER NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE FORCE IN US. IN MARRIAGES MANY PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEY NEED TO RESOLVE THEIR CONFLICT, AND OFTEN THEY KNOW HOW TO DO IT. BUT THEY ARE FRAID OF WHAT THE RESULT MIGHT BE. SO THEY AVOID DEALING WITH THE ISSUE, DECIDING INSTEAD TO PLAY IT COOL OR SAFE.
  29. 29. •HERE ARE THREE FEARS THAT PREVENT PEOPLE FROM RESOLVING THEIR CONFLICTS.
  30. 30. • A. FEAR OF FAILURE. ONE FEARS THAT HE/SHE MAY NOT SUCCED IN SOLVING THE HURTS THEY HAVE IN THEIR MARRIAGE. SO THEY CAN DO ANYTHING TO AVOID TALKING ABOUT THE ISSUES. BUT THE PROBLEM HERE IS THAT FEAR AFFECTS COMMUNICATION AND ONE FEELS THAT HE/SHE DOES NOT MEASURE UP TO THE SPOUSE’S EXPECTATION. AS A RESULT ONE STAYS AWAY FROM THE OTHER EMOTIONALLY AND AT TIMES PHYSICALLY. BY AVOIDING THE PAIN OF FAILURE, YOU ALLOW YOUR HURTS TO PERSIST.
  31. 31. • B. FEAR OF REJECTION. ONE HAS DONE SOMETHING THAT HE/SHE DEEMS NOT GOOD FOR THEIR MARRIAGE. OR SOMETHING LIKE RAPE, ABORTION OR INCEST OCCURRED SOMETIMES IN THE PAST. THE WIFE FOR EXAMPLE MAY WANT TO TELL THE HUSBAND OF THAT RAPE INCIDENT, BUT FEARS THAT THE MAN MAY END UP REJECTING HER. SO SHE KEEPS IT TO HERSELF. THIS CONTINUES TO HURT HER. BUT THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS HONEST, AND OPEN ACCEPTING COMMUNICATION NURTURES A HEALTHY MARRIAGE.
  32. 32. • C. FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. THIS IS A TERRIBLE FEAR. IT IS A TERRIBLE BLOCK TO HEALING OUR HURTS. THERE IS A DIFFENCE BETWEEN SEXUAL AND EMOTIONAL INTIMACIES. A COUPLE CAN HAVE SEXUAL INTIMACY WITHOUT EMOTIONAL ENTIMACY. MANY COUPLES SUCCED IN SEXUAL INTIMACY WHILE STERVING FOR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. SEXUAL INTIMACY IS EASY. IT CAN BE DONE IN A MOMENT AND BE COMPLETED.
  33. 33. • BUT BEING CLOSE EMOTIONALLY TAKES CONSTANT WORK AND COMMITMENT. YOU DEVELOP EMOTIONAL INTIMACY BY FREE AND REGULAR COMMUNICATION, SHARING IDEAS, ISSUES AND THOUGHTS TOGETHER, DOING THINGS AS ATEAM. GETTING TIME TO BE YOU TWO, EXPRESSING ROMANTIC LOVE FREELY, AND REGULARLY, READING GOD’S WORD AND PRAYING TOGETHER, KEEPING NO SECRETS WHICH YOUR PARTNER DOES NOT KNOW….
  34. 34. • NOW IN THIS FEAR, A SPOUSE MAY NOT WANT TO BE SO CLOSE TO HIS/HER PARTNER BECAUSE HIS/HER WEAKNESS WILL BE EVIDENT TO THE SPOUSE. HE/SHE MAY NOT WANT TO BE TOO INTIMATE TO THE OTHER BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME THINGS HE/SHE WANTS TO KEEP SECRET ALWAYS TO THE OTHER. THIS I TELL YOU WILL NEVER BRING ANY EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IN YOUR MARRIAGE AND WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO SOLVE YOUR HURTS.
  35. 35. • LADIES, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN YOUR MARRIAGE AS PEOPLE IN PRISON, NEVER EXPERIENCING THE FULL ENJOYMENT OF A HUSBAND AND THE WIFE. YOU CAN ENJOY YOUR MARRIED LIFE TO ITS FULL. JESUS SAID, I CAME THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE LIFE AND HAVE IT IN ALL ITS FULLNESS, JOHN 10:10. IF THERE IS A PLACE WHERE WE CAN HAVE LIFE AND ALL IN ITS FULLNESS, IT IS IN OUR MARRIEAGES. WE CAN HAVE IT FROM TODAY BY THE GRACE OF GOD. PLEASE DECIDE FOR THAT AND NOT FOR ANY THING LESS, BY SOLVING YOUR HEART STORED HURTS. BEGIN TODAY.
  36. 36. • ASSIGNMENT. THINK AND REMEMBER. DO YOU HAVE AN ISSUE WITH YOUR SPOUSE THAT HURTS YOU AND YOU WOULD LIKE TO GENUINELY SOLVE IT BEFORETHE END OF THIS YEAR? DO YOU THINK IF YOU GENUINELY TELL YOUR SPOUSE WHAT HURTS YOU HE/SHE WILL RESPOND POSITIVELY? AND ARE YOU WILLING TO FORGIVE YOUR SPOUSE AND ACCEPT HIM/HER FULLY AND RESORE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY SUCH THAT YOU REALLY FEEL ATTACHED TO HIM/HER? THEN BEGIN DOING IT TODAY.

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