The Good, The Bad, and The Uglacy, Chapter 6, A Christmas Special
“Yo boys and girls, it’s me Santa. Well, as close as you can get toSanta in the Sims 3 now. You see, I have been banned. For years,I brought presents to good little sims, but now, alas, you will findme in no expansion. Why you ask? Why did EA ban Santa?”
Because I’m not politically correct. That’s right. They can havetheir zombies, their vampires, tattoo parlors, even fairies! But we can’thave a dude in a red suit that likes to deliver gifts and bring joy tolittle boys and girls. Granted, I eat too many cookies, and suck downway too much Coca Cola, and I have Type 2 Diabetes, but was I really sobad?! What’s creepy about a guy breaking into your house to leave youpresents made by little elves. Which broke no child labor laws, I might add.
I thought I was part of the simming tradition. After all I was in Sims 1 and 2.How could you do this to me EA? Oh, I know, there are those who are “offended”and will post all over the forums that I am some type of religious symbol andthey have their panties in a wad… well to them I say, JUST DON’T SET OUT THEDAMN COOKIES AND I WON’T COME! Fricking Grinches.
Blast this Christmas music. Its joyful and triumphant.
“Really EA, are you going to let the voice of a few speak for the majority of sim players who want Santa! What about all those poor sims, they can’t even set out cookiesanymore! What kind of holiday blasphemy is this!”“Now dear, calm down, remember what the doctor said about your blood pressure.”
“Shirley, bring me a double.”“Alright Mr. Clause, but no flying the reindeer home tonight. I heard youran into Mortimer’s chimney last week.”“That was totally Rudolph’s fault. You know how he won’t lay off the vodka now.”
“It ain’t right Mr. Clause, and we all know it. You missing Christmas again. Everyonethought EA would come to it’s senses with the Seasons expansion. Why if Christmas isn’t apart of seasons I don’t know what is.”“You’re telling me. One could argue that witches make a religious statement. Orhow about the grim reaper, if that dude doesn’t have issues, I don’t know who does.”“Yea, we had to have the bouncer kick him out last week. He was threatening to steal souls ifpeople didn’t buy him free drinks.”
“I hope EA’s happy, reducing me to a playable sim with a bad suit and beard Imight add. I know some game inventors who are getting coal this year, that’sright, ‘hic’. Get me another Shirley. It’s gonna be a long night.”
Apparently Santa is quite the regular. He’s been reduced to the town lush.
Staggers in the next morning…“I can’t believe they did this to me, Frosty. I mean didn’t I enhance the gamingexperience for simmers everywhere. I have no purpose… what am I supposeto do now? Get a job at the science lab?!”
“Dear, come inside now, before the neighbors call the police again.”
Meanwhile, across town, the Cartwright family was busy fulfilling their legacy duties.Victoria, the family matriarch was feeding Sonny, their newest colt, since he was idioticand couldn’t find his own mother, who was just around the corner in the front yard.
“MOMMY, there you are!”“I’ve been here all along, son. *sigh* “
The twins were laying nicely in their cribs, well one of them at least.Laura seemed to be an easy going little bundle of joy…
While Nick on the other hand…‘WAAAAAAAAAAH! I demand food and a diaper change immediately!You wanna see the social worker in generation 3, while do ya?!”
“There, there Nick. Daddy here. Everything is okay. Except that your mommywon’t marry your daddy, but she just needs some time. I’m sure she’ll say yesany day now.”Poor Bobo, Victoria likes him for her boy toy, but if I didn’t know better I would sayshe had commitment issues, but she doesn’t so I can’t explain it.
I thought Victoria was in bed, resting, but oh no, she was across town and this pops up. Grrr. Bobo deserves better than this.And who the hell is this Roger guy?
“What?! So I wondered across town and I’m working my corner. What’s your problem?!”GO HOME NOW. Honestly, I had to click the go home button like 4 times. Her free willis unbelievable.
Let’s focus on a good sim.Heath, walking the new dog Ramie, a loyal new addition, who again Victoria got nocredit for adopting. But that’s okay, because Ramie is awesome. And at this pointI could give a crap less if I fulfill Victoria’s lifetime want to adopt 6 pets.
Ramie does have issues with barking at inanimate objects, like dressers forexample, but hey, everyone has their issues.
And I guess I should mention the heir… Audra.“I’m not getting the bills, why should I? We have $26.00, how are we going to pay any billswith that. Why should I clutter my inventory up with them?”Yes, unlike the TV show, these Cartwrights are broke all the time.
“Hey, uh, what’s going on here. Did another pet die?”“NO, no, just some lady your family didn’t even know. She was wandering around your property,and now you’re stuck with her gravestone. The hag had the nerve not to buy me a drink theother night. I mean, come on, I’m death. Who doesn’t buy death a drink?”
“So the veins lead away from the heart, and the arteries lead to the heart…”“Wow, Grimmy. You are so smart. Thanks for helping me with my homework.My parents don’t even do that.”“Well, you know, I kind of know anatomy, it’s my thing. Have to know what makes a simtick, so I can make them un-tick, heh, heh. Little death humor there.”
“Excuse me, I just grew up here.”Yeah, don’t care. You were a pity baby, you won’t be ugly, and you won’t be an heir.No time to potty train, walk, or talk… just entertain yourself, mmmkay.
“I just grew up too!”Oh yay Laura… goes for you too. Try not to annoy the sims that do matter.Seriously, what the hell was I thinking letting Bobo get Victoria pregnant?
“Oh another opportunity you say, to befriend another celebrity. Why of course, I’d loveto attend your party. See you at 6 PM. Why yes, I am star level 3 now. And I haveabout 50 plaques or so, no biggie.”
“About those bills you keep not paying, muhahaha. So long computer! Oh andwhere’s the toy box? I love taking the toys around Christmas time. Makes mefeel like reverse Santa.”
“Merry Christmas from Sims Rent-a-Center.”“Thanks a lot, asshole.”
Desperate for money, I send Bobo to harvest someveggies.“But, but this isn’t our garden…”Exactly.
Whistling innocently…“Nothing to see here, just selling my produce, that I grew myself, in my own garden, myself…to the grocery store. Yup, just earning an honest living here. These tomatoes aren’t hot,I swear it.”And this was how we made over $600.00!
“I see the future of humanity , glowing in the lines of the palm of my hand…”“Mom, you okay? Did you take your medication today?”“The voices in my head say I’m okay, so I must be okay.”Victoria, completely bat-ass crazy.
“OH my gosh, Paparazzi here, you’re Heath Cartwright’s step dad, aren’t you? Whatis it like living with him?! A thousand star-struck teenage girls want to know. Wait,let me get your picture. Can you get Heath out here, oh please, pretty please?”“You’re paparazzi? Why are you in your underwear on our lawn, lady?”“Because I want Heath to see my sexy body.”
And she would not leave, literally.“Help me, I can’t even get out of the gate… can you get this weird-o out of here!”I don’t use move object cheat very often… but I wasn’t about to let this underwear cladpaparazzi kill Bobo in his garden. Sometimes a girl just has to cheat.
On top of all of this, Gracie Loveland continues to stalkBobo since the last chapter. These pop up constantly.NO Gracie, Bobo is not dating your skanky butt.These sims have no respect for living together in sin.
As if Gracie’s advances weren’t enough, Victoria’s dead mom’s ghost hasthe hots for Bobo too. Seriously Dorothy!Bobo is really in demand.
Worse yet, Mr. and Mrs. Clause seem to be stepping out on one another.This game is just plain sick.
“Hey, aren’t you that famous Heath kid.. Heath something or another.”“Yeah, Cartwright. I’m here for the celebrity Christmas Party. I didn’t know youzombies could come to parties.”“Well of course we can. I even have my party hat on.”
“So did you ever hear about Santa Clause?”“Uh no, who was Santa Clause?”“Sssh, kid, not so loud. EA spies might be listening. Let me tell you about Santa.”
“And that’s not all, after he forced little kids to sit on his lap and tell them whatthey wants, he breaks into your house, usually by way of the chimney, and leavesyou gifts, and if he finds any socks lying around, he’ll stuff those with crap too.”“Oh my gosh, this guy sounds terrifying!”“Yeah, and he has this maniacal laugh… HO HO HO.”
“Actually, he wasn’t that bad. Now he’s just a drunk down at the local watering hole. Kind ofdepressing really.”“That EA destroyed an all time favorite NPC and something that added an unique flavorto the game?”“Careful kid, you’re talking blasphemy there.”
“Yeah, Audra, and then they were telling me there use to be this dude and his beardwas all white, and he use to deliver gifts to all the sims on Christmas Eve. He hadsome sleigh and a bunch of flying deer, can you believe it?”“Wow, that sounds awesome. Free gifts. What happened to him?
“I don’t know. Guy wasn’t politically correct or something. After all, gift giving anddaring to keep your hair white and embracing old age. I mean, who doesn’t use hairdye after 60. So now he’s some lush down at the sim bar, lives across town withno meaning, and runs around on his wife.”
“Wow, that’s just wrong. Surely there’s somewhere to fix this tragedy.”“Hey Heath, stop talking about the Santa guy, Bobo is getting his sad face again.”
Next day…“Hello, Mrs. Clause?”“Oh, hello dear. Do I know you?”
“I’m Bobo, Bobo Cartwright. I just live across town. I came to see Santa. ““Oh, well, he’s down at the bar again. Probably with that floozy he runs around with, Leanna.”“Well can I talk to you?”“Sure, why not, come on in.”
“So I don’t get why he quit doing Christmas. I mean what about all the little kids, like mine? I got a set of twins that would love some free gifts.”“Well dear, it isn’t that Santa doesn’t want to deliver gifts, it’s that EA wouldn’t sign him for a new contractand put him in the game.’“Yeah, well about that, I have an idea.”
“So dear, this nice young man came by today looking for you.”“What did he want? Free gifts? A reindeer ride? Or to troll me with how I am offendinghis right NOT to celebrate Christmas?!”“Actually, he wanted to help bring back Christmas and he had an idea.”
“He had this idea that every simmer could put a Santa in their game to protest EA’s ridiculous rulingand to spite these grinchy trolls running around protesting just to hear their own voices. After all,once someone buys a game, no one can keep them from creating their own Santa.”“Yeah dear, but I won’t be a NPC. I’ll never have the magic of just appearing again and giving gifts.”“But dear, don’t you realize that it’s only a matter of time till some creative player somewhere *hint, hint*creates a mod for Santa.”
“OH my gosh, pookums, you’re right! Everytime EA screws up the game, the playersdo find mods. Why it is just a matter of time now, with them dishing me in the lastexpansion! There is hope! How could I not see it?!”
“OH Santa, there’s the man I use to know. Until someone figures out a mod aroundthis, simmers everywhere can make their own Santa and forget those nasty trollgrinches.”“I was lost woman. Now I realize my mission. But first I need to make things right withyou. Let’s renew our vows, and invite this genius to our wedding.”
“And I. Santa Clause, take Mrs. Clause to love and to hold, for as long as we both shalllive… whose the creepy zombie guy, Martha?”“I don’t know, dear, I needed a witness, and he popped up in the lawn.”“Brrraaaaiiiins… hee hee hee…”
“Oh Martha, how could I forget you were the love of my life. I shall never takeyou for granted again.”“You better not mister or no more cookies for you.”
“So I was at a wedding, Victoria. You should have seen it, Santa renewing hisvows with Mrs. Clause. It was beautiful, *sniff*, just beautiful.”“Uh huh. Did they have some good booze. I heard that Santa is quite thedrinker.”
“So do you ever think about us anymore, Victoria? Like getting married?”“Bobo you’ve ask me a million times, the answer is still no. I’m happy just livingtogether and having you do all the labor around here and taking care of thedoublemint brats, while I wander aimlessly through town lunatic slapping everyone.”
“Listen little blue haired man, I owe you big. I finally found my way back from thatdark hole I was in. What do you want? A new car? A telescope? A dancing sphere?”“No, no Santa. I’m fine. I’m just glad you’re back in the game.”
“So I couldn’t get Bobo to answer me, and I wanted to repay his saving of my soul withsome sort of gift, it’s what I do. Geesh, you’re an ugly girl, do you even have a nose?”“Hey, I’m not the one with a beer belly gut and premature graying, mister.”
“Okay, so if I had to say what Bobo wanted more than anything in the world, it wouldhave to be to marry my mom. Of course, that would take a miracle, becauseshe is the world’s biggest bitch.”“Hey miracles are what I do kid.”
“So about my nose…”“Sorry darling, I said Christmas miracles, not parting the red seas… do I look likea cosmetic surgeon to you?”
“Sooo, you can totally stop checking out my ass now and go.”“Oh, sorry, just having one of my creepy Santa moments.”
“So you must be Victoria. You need to marry Bobo you know. He’s a good man.”“Huh, who are you? I ain’t marrying Bobo. Are you crazy? Why are you on my porch in a redcoat? You’re not a flasher are you?”“Hey lady, I’m not the one wearing a bathing suit in the dead of winter. Just saying.”
“You’re already engaged to her, right Bobo. So throw a big wedding party, only tell her it’s aChristmas party… and when the time is right… soon as you get the option, pounce on it.”“But, but she’ll just reject me in front of everyone like she always does.”“Trust me kid, I’ve got your back. A little Christmas magic is all you need.”
Cue corny Christmas carols and let the party begin.“Our first guest just died in our front yard. I sense a train wreck coming on.”She didn’t die, Bobo, she just passed out. She’s old. She’ll wake up in an hour or so.
“Alright, a Christmas tree. I’ll be pissing on that by the end of the night!”
Mrs. Clause: “Excuse me miss, could you get your elbow out of my hot dogs.”Audra: “I just want to get in my damn house. What’s wrong with these people? Don’t they know how to use a door!”
“Hi Bobo, great party.”“Um, thanks Gracie.”“Did you get my date requests? All 25 of them?”“Yea, Gracie, about that, I’m kind of engaged.”
“Hey Bobo, want to play house. I could be a door and you could slam me all night long.”
“Geesh, why did I invite her again?”Because we’re low on friends, Bobo. That and entertainment value. Every partyneeds the town ho.
“Hey tramp, move it, I want to get to the food.”“I’ll move it alright, right on over to your boyfriend.”“How would you like me to tramp stamp you personally, sister. Right between the eyes.”
“So I see how it is, Santa, you just used me like a piece of meat.”“Look Leanna, I just realized my wife means a lot to me. I’m sure you’re goingto find a nice young man.”“Screw you Santa! How can you do this to me?! All those times I played a ‘bad little girl’ foryou. You want all those perversion getting out. Shades of Red right there.”
“So uh, the real reason I threw this party Victoria, was so I could marry you.”“Oh Bobo, not this again.”Gracie: “Ill marry you Bobo. I do floors, doors, windows, and you!”Shut up Gracie and go away!!!
“Well I’m not giving you the option to ask me to marry you, Bobo, so there.”Santa: “Boo, hiss, hiss… stop being a colossal pain in the ass already, Victoria.”I second Santa. This is getting old.
Bobo: Come on Victoria, we’re at 100% right now. Just give me the option girl.”Heath: “Think she’ll finally give in?”Audra: “Hell no.”
“Victoria, it’s almost 3 AM in the morning, our guests are leaving. Surely,you’re not going to embarrass me like this.”“Sure I would. It’s what I do, Bobo.”
“But I guess, since you want this so bad Bobo…”“OH wow! Is that a ring?! Did you get me a ring?!”“Well actually your creepy red suit friend gave it to me and had a bunch of hoodlum elves threatento break my knees the other night, but I figure, eh, why not? Let’s make it official.
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, wait, I wrote my own vows for the last year Victoria. You are the light ofmy life, my harbor, my fire in the cold of winter, the very reason that my heart beat.”Heath: “Oh come on Bobo, make it quick before she changes her mind again. This is painful.”
Mrs. Clause: “Oh my gosh, they are adorable! Aren’t they precious!”Victoria: “Can your weird friends leave now, Bobo?”
“Well my work here is done, Mrs. Clause. Nothing to get the old heart pumping againlike a Christmas Miracle.”“Yes dear, you did a wondrous deed.”
“HO HO HO, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Years. Oh and you trolls that kickedme off the expansion sets… bite me. Santa’s back in the hood.”
“Oh Bobo, they even took the mistletoe away.”“Who needs mistletoe, woman, kiss me!”Heath: I am so going to hurl. Can I go to bed now.
“I want to play with Santa Bear.”“You can’t, he’s not really Santa Bear anyway, that might be offensive to someone.He just happens to have a red coat is all.”
And so Christmas reigned across the land again…Audra: “But EA got even with you in the end. They always do. Did you tell the viewers that?”Yeah, yeah that’s right, after literal hours of setting this storyline up and actually convincing Victoria tomarry Bobo (that wasn’t really a joke, folks), the game WOULDN”T SAVE! Error 12 or some such crap.Curses EA… curses! I hope you all get coal in your stockings for that one!
So a good Christmas to all and to all a good night… from our family toyours!“YOU do realize you are going to have to go back into the game and marry these twoidiots again, don’t you?!”Er, maybe a New Year’s Wedding?