The Columns   Volume 1   Edition 1                                                                                        ...
Student Devastated                      professor hates me!”                       Basketball (Continued)                 ...
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The Columns - Feb 1, 2013

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Transcript of "The Columns - Feb 1, 2013"

  1. 1. The Columns Volume 1 Edition 1 A student voice with editorial integrityFebruary 1, 2013 of Christopher Newport University Weather Forecast: Somewhere between 70SkyCaptain: The World of Tomorrow and 15 degrees, with maybe sleet and sun. CNU recently hosted a symposium about the rise of UAS (Unmanned Aircraft Systems) on the domestic front, particularly in regards to police use. If the reader were anything like me, his initial thought upon entering this conference would be, “how could such a seemingly irrelevant (and boring) topic bear any significance to my being?”. Well, the monitors of the conference certainly placed heavy value on riff-raff about “privacy”, “human rights” and “constitutionality”, but made no effort to address my important, time-sensitive questions. This story continues on Page 2 Basketball Team Giving Back Captains invite "Special" members of the Stray Cat Predicts Super Bowl Winner community to help with home games Mittens, one of the a very emotional NEWPORT NEWS - The conference. He stressed announcement that many stray cats around athletic teams at CNU that many people who campus, predicted this week franchise player Ray Lewis have a history of getting suffer from mental involved with the disabilities are "just like that the Baltimore Ravens will retire at the end of the community, but coach you or me, but they just will win this year’s Super season. Their opponents, Jon Krikorian plans to take a little longer to Bowl. The game, which will the San Francisco 49ers, raise the bar this process things be played this Sunday in have never lost a super weekend. He sometimes." bowl, going 5-0 in the Big New Orleans, will present a announced a new Games from 1982 through "I think its really steep challenge to fans who initiative to allow cool that we can give must decide whether to miss 1995. They reached this mentally handicapped individuals to serve as them this opportunity," out on a clash between the year’s championship after an referees for the mens said junior Tre Benefield, world’s best football teams unprecedented comeback at basketball games this who is currently leading or some of the year’s Atlanta in their last game. season. "We have a the team with 20 points funniest and most expensive Mittens was lured number of these folks per game. "When we into our “prediction box” on commercials whey they get who live nearby and volunteered in the past up to grab more wings or the Great Lawn with a can of want to be involved with the school," This story continues use the bathroom. tuna. “I think [49ers QB Krikorian said at a news on Page 2 The Ravens have Colin] Kaepernick is been propelled through the talented,” she said, “but playoffs this season by Baltimore is just playing Get more campus coverage online by strong quarterback play and really great defense right following us on Twitter @CNUColumns meow.” The Columns is an independently published source of campus news and entertainment. We are not authorized or endorsed by the University administration or any campus organization. To contact the editor, please send an email to CNUColumns@gmail.com
  2. 2. Student Devastated professor hates me!” Basketball (Continued) Davis has never received by Poor Grade a final grade lower than an A at a food bank, I could tell that what these before, and while it is still early guys really wanted was to feel useful.” Shana Davis is a hard in the semester, she isworking student who always concerned that this paper could A spokesman for the localstrives to be the very best she put that streak in organization that advocates for the mentallycan be. She was, jeopardy. “What if I fail out of challenged was excited for the positiveunderstandably, shocked college?” she wondered, “My exposure. "Most people just ignore ourwhen she received a B+ on a parents would never forgive slower friends," he said, "but this will be apaper for her intro Philosophy me, and I’d probably have to great chance to show that they can beclass. live homeless in the streets.” “I’ve always been an A productive members of society." College When reached forstudent, and I met all the comment, her professor said he basketball experts agree, and believe thatprofessor’s requirements for could not discuss grades due to these "special" referees will likely do a betterthe assignment,” she told The confidentiality laws, but he did job of officiating the game than the regularColumns. “I thought I did a confirm that he became a crew.good job on the assignment. I teacher just to mess upjust don’t understand why this students’ lives. the exciting potential for ROBOTTA’s SkyCaptain (Continued from Page 1) dining experiences. If one were to view history and You see, unmanned aircraft sense, we see advantageous extract one underlying abstract conceptpolice technology has so much benefits in every area of campus which human experience has yet tountapped potential, even for this copdom. Why not relieve the refute, it would be this: people whocampus! One need look no further dining staff of their daily police neglect academic implications ofthan the “blue-light” police escorts activity? MissLindaBot would be technology die. Aldous Huxley seems towhich are near and dear to our much more efficient at preventing agree, as stated in his work, Brave Newstudent body. With the rising students from cross contaminating World, “It isn’t only art that isnumber of instances of police the salad bar. MissVirginiaBot incompatible with happiness, it’s alsobrutality, shows of aggressive force would dispense the correct science. Science is dangerous, we haveand holding up the line at Dunkin’ amount of potato-fries every time! to keep it most carefully chained andDonuts, one would have to be insane The filthy footprints of employees muzzled.” Or, as I like to say, sticks andto let a cop walk them across Shoes-for-Crews would never stones may break my bones, but chainscampus. Or grossly misinformed. terrorize the floors again, and one and muzzles excite me. Get with the UASBesides, it is much more comforting could eat food off the floor! program, and prepare for the world ofto have a metallic hand to hold when Needless to say, some anticipate tomorrow, fellow sky Captain.traversing the dangerous campusgrounds after hours. I even heard apetition was signed to install Campus Events This Weekendsoftware akin to SIRI on these badboys. “How are you Officer Doug3.001?...I see, well he was an idiot for Saturday Sundayleaving his bike outside …” Men’s Basketball vs Greensboro Sleeping In Late But why halt at the obvious? Freeman Center, 4 PM Your Dorm, 1 PMIf we view “cop” in the classical Captain’s Ball Super Bowl Tailgate DSU, 8 PM Potomac Parking Lot, 2 PMIf you like what you’re reading today and want to get involved, you’re in luck! The The After Party Online HW Due At Midnight Columns is looking for regular Tom’s Apartment, 12 AM Trible Library, 11:50 PM contributors. Please contact CNUColumns@gmail.com for more info.

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