Why You Should Support
May 12, 2010
The purpose of this report is to clearly outline the importance of The Official Moon Base
Party of the United States of America. First, we examine the history of the Moon and the
importance of the Moon Base. As we shall see, the Moon Base offers many great advantages for
the United States should we invest the time and resources into building it. Next, we shall look at
what it might be like for the first inhabitants of the Moon Base. It’s difficult to say for sure what
will happen once construction begins on the Moon Base, but there are theories. Then, we focus on
the Moon Base Party and why America needs us now more than ever. Finally, we conclude by
going home and eating cake.
Table of Contents
Table of Contents (You are here) iii
What’s all the fuss about? 1
Why a Moon Base? 1
What will it be like on the Moon? 3
What’s with the Moon Base Party? 4
Appendix A: Stuff I couldn’t fit in the report 6
What’s all the fuss about?
Over fifty years ago, Vice President Hubert Humphrey, Jr. looked into the clear
August sky and discovered the Moon. Since that day, man has dreamed of going there
and building a large military compound/vacation resort. The Official Moon Base Party of
the United States of America has one goal: to boost support for this Moon Base Initiative.
If America hopes to continue to be a world leader and superpower, it needs to build a
base on the Moon. A military compound/vacation resort provides many great benefits,
including improvements to domestic security and a boost in the financial sector. Settling
the lunar terrain will not be easy, but it is a task we must undertake. There may be some
resistance to this idea, which is why we have created The Official Moon Base Party of
the United States of America. The Moon Base Party will spearhead the Moon Base
Movement and fight for the rights of babies everywhere.
Why a Moon Base?
A military compound/vacation resort on the moon resolves many issues facing
America and the rest of the world. Weaponry on the lunar surface would greatly improve
homeland security. Let’s say one day Chile decided to get all up in our business and
started to pick a fight. Any potential standoff would end immediately once we remind
them of the giant laser cannons hovering above them. This also helps the rest of the
world by reminding them who’s the boss around these parts. A model of the potential
Moon Base is shown in Figure 1.
Figure 1. A model of the proposed Moon Base. This diagram depicts the Moon Base
after its inevitable hostile takeover by Martians.
But the Moon Base will have more than just military benefits. Constructing the
lunar facility will require financial investment, which will boost the nation’s economy.
Building the structure will be accomplished through cheap illegal labor, which will take
care of the country’s immigration problem. Also, the completed Moon Base will double
as a tourist attraction and a source of merchandizing dollars. We’ll build a big statue of
Benjamin Franklin fighting a polar bear and sell all sorts of related memorabilia. The
public will not be able to resist the Moon Base Gift Shop.
What will it be like on the Moon?
It is hard to say what the Moon will be like. No one has ever been there .
However, we do have ideas. Figure 2 is an artist’s rendition of what the lunar surface
might be like. Some early reports suggest the Moon may not have an atmosphere. Jon
Miller and his assistants over in the research department are currently working on this
minor technical detail and will have a solution before the first phase of construction
begins. Hopefully. We do know once the Moon Base is built the inhabitants will have
two main jobs. Some will remain ready in the event the lunar cannons are called upon to
defend the country. The rest will entertain tourists flocking to the moon. This means the
first pioneers of the lunar surface will be missile silo technicians and carnival workers.
Figure 2. Artist’s rendition of what the lunar surface might be like. Note the chocolate
river and paddle boat are already present on the moon.
What’s with the Moon Base Party?
To fuel the Moon Base Movement, we have created The Official Moon Base
Party of the United States of America. This group of brave men and women raise
awareness for the Moon Base and its importance for babies around the world. The
interrelations between babies and the Moon Base are complicated, but one thing is
known for certain: not supporting the Moon Base Party is equivalent to hating babies.
See Appendix A for more details. In addition to spreading the word about babies and
the Moon Base, the Moon Base Party also stands as a satire of the modern political
system. The completely over-the-top humor of our group reminds people it is okay to
laugh at the ridiculousness of the political process. One day some poor student, fresh
out of an engineering test, will see one of our campaign posters or overhear members
of the group talking about moon-based laser cannons defending armies of babies from
global warming and that guy will laugh hysterically for a few minutes. We will have
made the rest of his day a little better. We are giving back to the community, one
absurd statement at a time.
We have arrived at the end of this report. It was a difficult journey. We’ve
laughed. We’ve cried. And now you understand the necessity of The Official Moon
Base Party of the United States of America. We want to push the Moon Base issue, but
at the same time be as absurd as possible and remind everyone to laugh every once in
By the way, I didn’t forget about the cake.
Figure 3. Delicious cake.
1. “Moon.” Wikipedia.org. 1 Feb. 2008. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moon>
Appendix A: Stuff I couldn’t fit in the report
This appendix highlights some import figures and trends relating to babies,
America, and The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America that I was
unable to place in the body of the report. You may find some of these figures shocking
and disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised.
Figure A1. Love for the Moon Base v. Love for Babies. This clear, positive correlation
speaks for itself.
Figure A2. Success of America v. Getting a Moon Base. This clear, positive correlation
speaks for itself.
Figure A3. Results from a 2008 poll asking “How important is the Moon Base to you?”
Overall the population strongly supports America building the Moon Base.
Figure A4. Temperature-entropy graph for two power cycles. Unfortunately, entropy still
exists on the Moon.
Figure A5. Campaign sticker. Please photocopy and distribute at family gatherings. Note
the sticker is not actually adhesive and therefore it will require you to use tape.