Total mentor training 2 15 11 (3)
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  • a.       Denise Peterson, trainer for Metro Youth Partnership for the MentorLink outreach. b.       We’re here today to bring youth to the forefront of our discussions and to think more intentionally about our individual and corporate relationships with young people. c.       Our hope today is that you will consider being a mentor to a youth in Moorhead—Fargo—West Fargo either in your current relationships or through one of the wonderful local agencies who match youth and adults in intentional relationships. d.       By the way, It is national Mentor Month, January 2009. On Friday, January 23 , 7am-8pm meet at Babbs CoffeeHouse.                                                                i.       Write this down:                                                              ii.       Buy a White Chocolate Mocha or a chocolate fudge bar and $.50 of each purchase goes to MentorLink.
  • I.                 
  • Nancy – share research
  • PAGE THREE What do you think a mentor is? What characteristics does a mentor have? It doesn’t have to be an adult mentoring a child, it can be an adult mentoring an adult. For those of you going to working with adults, you are considered a mentor to them. You are sharing experiences. A mentor will open the eyes of a mentee to new experiences, new ideas. For example, the Linking Up students go to MSUM to watch a show put on by the drama department. For many youth, this is a brand new experience, and it helps if the mentor is open to new experiences also. Many of the mentee’s have ideas of what is ‘cool’ and ‘fun.’ As the mentor you can help foster these ideas and allow your mentee to further explore them.
  • Correlates with “Should I become a Mentor?” in the workbook. With some groups, this exercise is “loud and proud” – a fun, responsive listing. As the list is read, one bullet at a time, the class responds with “THAT’S ME!”
  • This Slide corresponds with “I” Statements. The important focus here is not the formula of an I statement, but a focus on the intentions of our speech. Are we projecting our feelings on others, or are we sharing our feelings with our mentee? Speak from your own vantage point, share your feelings clearly and uncritically.
  • If you think ahead, you may hear the speaker but not listen – how many of you are wondering, thinking about what you’re going to do after right now? If you interrupt, they may lose train of thought, get discouraged, you are not recognizing their feelings Use active listening skills like we discussed two slides ago If you repeat info back – speaker knows you are listening, it forms a higher level of trust. ACTIVITY PAGE 23
  • If you think ahead, you may hear the speaker but not listen – how many of you are wondering, thinking about what you’re going to do after right now? If you interrupt, they may lose train of thought, get discouraged, you are not recognizing their feelings Use active listening skills like we discussed two slides ago If you repeat info back – speaker knows you are listening, it forms a higher level of trust. ACTIVITY PAGE 23
  • If you think ahead, you may hear the speaker but not listen – how many of you are wondering, thinking about what you’re going to do after right now? If you interrupt, they may lose train of thought, get discouraged, you are not recognizing their feelings Use active listening skills like we discussed two slides ago If you repeat info back – speaker knows you are listening, it forms a higher level of trust. ACTIVITY PAGE 23
  • Nancy – share research
  • -Mentors should be aware of values and traditions unique to their mentees. For example, the role of authority, communication styles, perspectives on time, and ways of handling conflict vary greatly among different ethnic groups. Mentors might ask the youth to teach them about their own traditions and culture. Discussions with other mentors may offer deeper insight into ethnic diversity. Mentors and mentees may live quite differently from one another. Though socio-economic conditions may not parallel, mentors should be supportive and non-judgmental of mentees. It is important to provide a relationship that will nurture self-development.
  • I.                   What if you aren’t clicking? There may be cultural differences at play that you’re not even aware of. a.      You have misunderstandings because you or he misread a subtle cultural difference.                                                                i.       Be open to learning and growing by listening and asking.                                                              ii.       Have an open and inquisitive mind.                                                             iii.       “If you want to ask it, be prepared to answer it” b.       Make the effort to educate yourself.                                                                i.       Show an interest and do your homework. 1.       Attend festivals together and talk about them 2.       Talk about books being read in school or family events                                                              ii.       Learn more about yourself and your own cultural habits that you might think are universal—but aren’t! 1.       Invite your mentee to something that’s important to you and talk about why this was cool for you. c.       You realize that you are on two socio-economic levels, and don’t know what to do about it.                                                                i.       Don’t try to be the social worker or service provider.                                                              ii.       Open the doors you can, but don’t play the rich uncle or aunt. 1.       Attend an event on a local campus so she becomes comfortable in that atmosphere 2.       Pretend that he can go to college anywhere—how would he get a scholarship and where might he find out about the right school? 3.       Study something together and model good note-taking skills or observational skills.                                                             iii.       Help the mentee develop the tools he needs to succeed. 1.       Let him pick a favorite museum or play or event and have him explain its significance to you—be the student, not the teacher. 2.       Introduce him to your friends who are already doing something he wants to do in life.                                                            iv.       Focus on the skills for learned optimism 1.       Action, beliefs, consequences 2.       Help her reframe her thoughts so they bring hope in the midst of adversity. See the corresponding workbook page for definitions and explanations
  • Remember, one of the mentor’s tasks is to discover creative ways of exploring the talent and potential of the mentee.
  • Words of Wisdom here come from previous mentors They suggest finding fun, free things to do out in the community, on college campuses (arts and sports), and in school (ball games to ballet to plays). In tough situations involving “I wish I could afford this… I wish I had a…” suggest the pathway to attaining those items and services. Is your mentee old enough to work? Can they save an allowance? It is critical to be on the same page as parents. Talk to them about spending limits- theirs and yours. Your program provider should be able to give you contact information, and a sense of the economic situation of the family.
  • This Slide Corresponds to “Youth Culture” in the workbook, an important section to discuss with the group. Also critical to examine and discuss here is the chart “Young Adolescents… Therefore They Need” in the workbook.
  • Its important to put in your time with your mentee, form a relationship Do not buy things for your mentee It may be hard to end, but you are helping to build assets If you have problems, contact your site leader, if you have questions about mentoring or need activity ideas contact Christa or I. (or Kate or Christine) ‏ Mentor Training Manual 2-8 Definitions of mentoring 9-11 Adolescents 13-22 Diversity 24-48 Communication/Listening 50-51 Terminating Relationships 53-73 Mentor/Mentee Openers
  • Talk freely about the end of your relationship Explain how the program works or if they’re moving, the excitement involved. Special event: a mentor golfed and the mentee knew about it and asked questions a lot. For the last session, the mentor surprised his mentee with golf lessons. They made a day of it, playing 18 holes (I believe they got a deal) used a cart and had ‘dinner’ on the course. For you this special event could be a scavenger hunt, a trip to the mall, or a day of painting. Make it special by doing, or making something to remember each other, ex. make a certificate with a picture of the two of you.
  • Talk freely about the end of your relationship Explain how the program works or if they’re moving, the excitement involved. Special event: a mentor golfed and the mentee knew about it and asked questions a lot. For the last session, the mentor surprised his mentee with golf lessons. They made a day of it, playing 18 holes (I believe they got a deal) used a cart and had ‘dinner’ on the course. For you this special event could be a scavenger hunt, a trip to the mall, or a day of painting. Make it special by doing, or making something to remember each other, ex. make a certificate with a picture of the two of you.
  • The End! Question and Answer Period Exploration of the MentorLink Directory – what programs are out there, who wants an electronic copy, etc… Fill out Evaluation and Skills Inventory sheets and turn in. THESE ARE ESSENTIAL in pursuit of grant funding and in pursuit of a positive match for mentoring programs.

Total mentor training 2 15 11 (3) Presentation Transcript

  • 1. Welcome to Mentor Training!Sponsored by: 1
  • 2. Developmental 40 AssetsThis Mentor Training was inspired by the Search Institute’s40 Developmental Assets which, when developed in kids, are proven to help kids and families succeed.By working together as a community to instil these assets, we help our youth shine by igniting their “Sparks”!
  • 3. Our Goal is to Increase the Assets in our Community’s Youth so their Sparks can Shine! Developmental assets are concrete, common sense, positive experiences and qualities essential to raising successful young people. 3
  • 4. There are 2 Groups of Development Assets: 1) Internal Assets 2) External Assets4
  • 5. External AssetsThese 20 assets are the positive experiences that kids receive from the world around them.The Four Categories of External Assets are:1)Support: Young people need to be surrounded by people who love, appreciate, and accept them.2) Empowerment: Young people need to feel valued and valuable. This happens when youth feel safe and respected.3) Boundaries and Expectations: Young people need clear rules, consistent consequences, and encouragement to do their best.4) Constructive Use of Time: Young people need opportunities outside of school to enjoy themselves, develop new skills, and build positive relationships with others.http://www.search-institute.org/system/files/H1.What+are+Dev+Assets.pdf
  • 6. Category: Support1. Family Support: Family life provides high levels of love and support.2. Positive Family Communication: Family members communicate positively, and kids are willing to seek advice and counsel from parents.3. Other Adult Relationships: Support received from at least three non-parent adults.4. Caring neighborhood: Experiencing caring neighbors.5. Caring school climate: School provides a caring, encouraging environment.6. Parent involvement in schooling: Actively parent involvement in helping kids succeed in school.
  • 7. Category: Empowerment7. Community values youth: Young people perceive that adults in the community value youth.8. Youth as resources: Young people are given useful roles in the community.9. Service to others: Young person serves in the community at least one hour per week.10. Safety: Young person feels safe at home, school, and in the neighborhood.
  • 8. Category: Boundaries & Expectations11. Family boundaries: Family has clear rules and consequences; monitors young person’s whereabouts.12. School Boundaries: School provides clear rules and consequences.13. Neighborhood boundaries: Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior.14. Adult role models: Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior.15. Positive peer influence: Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior.16. High expectations: Parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.
  • 9. Category: Constructive Use of Time 17. Creative activities: Young person spends at least three hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts. 18. Youth programs: Young person spends at least three hours per week in sports, clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the community. 19. Religious community: Young person spends at least one hour per week in activities in a religious institution. 20. Time at home: Time with friends “with nothing special to do” is limited to two or fewer nights per week.
  • 10. Internal Assets These 20 assets form the “internal compass” that help young people make thoughtful and positive choices in life situations that challenge their inner strength and confidence. The Four Categories of Internal Assets are: 1)Commitment to Learning: Young people need a sense of the lasting importance of learning and a belief in their own abilities. 2) Positive Values: Young people need to develop strong guiding values or principles to help them make healthy life choices. 3)Social Competencies: Young people need skills to be able to interact effectively with others and cope with new situations. 4)Positive Identity: Young people need a sense of their self-worth, power, purpose, and promise.http://www.search-institute.org/system/files/H1.What+are+Dev+Assets.pdf
  • 11. Category: Commitment to Learning 21. Achievement Motivation: Young person is motivated to do well in school. 22. School Engagement: Young person is actively engaged in learning. 23. Homework: Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day. 24. Bonding to school: Young person cares about her or his school. 25. Reading for Pleasure: Young person reads for pleasure at least three hours per week.
  • 12. Category: Positive Values26. Caring: Placing high value on helping other people.27. Equality and social justice: Placing high value on promoting equality and reducing hunger and poverty.28. Integrity: Acts on convictions and stands up for her or his beliefs.29. Honesty: Telling the truth, even when it is not easy.30. Responsibility: Taking personal responsibility to make “wrong” right.31. Restraint: Believing it is important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs.
  • 13. Category: Social Competencies32. Planning and decision making: Knowing how to plan ahead and make choices.33. Interpersonal Competence: Having empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills.34. Cultural Competence: Being sensitive and comfortable with people of different cultural/racial/ethnic backgrounds.35. Resistance skills: Resists negative peer pressure and dangerous situations.36. Peaceful conflict resolution: Seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.
  • 14. Category: Positive Identity37. Personal power: Feeling he or she has control over “things that happen to me.”38. Self-esteem: Reports having a high self-esteem.39. Sense of purpose: Feeling that “my life has a purpose.”40. Positive view of personal future: Being optimistic about her or his personal future.
  • 15. How many assets did you have as a youth?∗ Take a minute to think about the assets you felt you had while growing up. ∗ What is the total? Write it down!
  • 16. WHAT IS AN ASSET BUILDER? An asset builder is someone who does good things FOR and WITH youth---on purpose.EVERYONE can be an asset builder! 17
  • 17. What is a Spark?Sparks are special qualities, skills, & interests that we are passionate about and that light us up. They come from inside of us, & when we express them, it gives us joy and energy.They are our very essence, the things about us that are “good and beautiful, & useful to the world.” 18
  • 18. Current Events Fishing Reading Photography Bugeling Tennis Writing Stories Examples of Sparks Playing PianoFixing Things Song-Writing Growing Boardgames Things GolfingSnorkeling Skateboarding Cowboying 19 Bowling
  • 19. “Sparks” Help Strengthen Emotional Health in YouthEmotionally Healthy Children:∗ Are better learners∗ Are less likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors∗ Have fewer behavior problems∗ Feel better about themselves∗ Are better able to resist peer pressure∗ Are less violent and more empathetic∗ Are better at resolving conflict∗ Have more friends∗ Are better able to delay gratification∗ Are happier, healthier, and more “successful”Sean Brotherson, Ph.D., Extension Family Specialist, NDSU “EQ & RQ: Helping Children Learn Emotional and Relationship Intelligence”
  • 20. Search Institute’s Research ∗ In 2007, the Search Institute released data on the 40 assets from nearly 100,000 youth in 213 communities. ∗ Here is what they found:21 http://www.search-institute.org/about/history
  • 21. The Proof is in the Pudding:MORE assets = LESS high risk behaviorsMORE assets = MORE positive attitudes & behaviors 22
  • 22. Results from Sparks Research When youth know their spark and have several adults who support their spark, they are more likely to: ∗ Have a sense of purpose ∗ Be socially competent and physically healthy ∗ Volunteer to help others ∗ Have higher grades in school and better attendance23
  • 23. Youth who know their spark and have several adults who support their spark are less likely to: ∗ Experience depression ∗ Engage in acts of violence toward others24
  • 24. More assets =49% less high-risk behavior 39% 35% 31% 27% 18% 19% 0–10 Assets 14% 11–20 Assets 11% 21–30 Assets 9% 31–40 Assets 6% 3% 4% 3% 1% 1% Alcohol Tobacco Illicit Drug Driving and Use Use Use Alcohol
  • 25. Teens Generally Named 3 types of Sparks: ∗ 1. Something they are good at; A talent or skill ∗ 2. Something they care deeply about; Such as the environment or serving their community ∗ 3. A quality they know is special; Caring for others or being a friend26
  • 26. Sparks Most Cited ∗ Athletics ∗ Creative arts ∗ Nature, ecology, the environment ∗ Learning a subject matter like science or history ∗ Helping, serving, volunteering ∗ Leading ∗ Spirituality or religion ∗ Reading ∗ Committed to living in a specific way (with joy, passion, caring, etc.) ∗ Animal welfare27
  • 27. How Many Teenagers Reported Sparks? 31% Say They Do NOT Have a Spark 69% Say They HAVE a Spark28
  • 28. The Challenge for Caring Adults in Every Community across U.S.A. Percentage of teenagers who understand and seek 100% spark Percentage who can 62% clearly name their spark Percentage with spark 37% and spark champions 29
  • 29. How About Our Kids? The F-M Survey In 2007 the Search Institute assisted with a Fargo-Moorhead-West Fargo Youth Asset Survey 17,000 Students from Fargo, Moorhead, West Fargo were surveyed. 30
  • 30. ? ? What Did Kids Say? ∗ Our Asset Goal is 40 ∗ 31 assets, on average, is considered Ideal... ∗ Our Youth (grades 6-12) Reported an Average of? just 19.1 total assets ? Whats Going On?
  • 31. Focus on the Positive• 70% Reported Family Support (#1)• 72% Reported Positive Peer Influence (#15)• 65% are involved in a supportive religious community (#19)• 74% Hold a Positive View of Personal Future (#40)
  • 32. Which is Great, but… Only:• 27% Said family was involved in schooling. (#6)• 25% Said their community values youth. (#7)• 20% Said they engage in creative activity. (#17)• 29% Said they have adult role models. (#14)
  • 33. How can we help this? Drum roll…
  • 34. By Mentoring!!
  • 35. Here’s what a parent survey saysabout the significance of mentoring:∗ 47% said their child’s grades improved.∗ 55% said their child got along better with family members∗ 70% said their child got along better with friends.∗ 83% saw improvements in their child’s self-esteem.∗ 53% said their child had fewer behavior problems since the beginning of the mentorship.∗ 60% said their child became more responsible
  • 36. Ok, so what exactly isa Mentor? A Mentor is: A wise and trusted friend and guide. Passionately interested in another person’s life. Always willing to give a word of encouragement. A caring responsible adult who helps someone explore people, places, and things they’ve never experienced before. A positive role model. SOMEONE WHO CARES!
  • 37. Take a Minute to Reflect: Who Was a Mentor to You?∗ Why does that person stand out to you?∗ How did you feel about yourself when you were with your mentor?∗ What things did that person do or say that helped you to feel that way?∗ What kind of mentor would that person say you are, or will be?∗ How does reflecting on this help you understand about what it means to be a positive role model and mentor?
  • 38. The Critical Role of Mentors All young people should have an adult who: 1. Sees their spark 2. Affirms that spark 3. Helps them explore their sparkMentors help kids ignite their sparks! 40
  • 39. A MENTOR CHAMPION:Likes children! Is a Good Listener!Is Caring! Can Provide Leadership!Is Stable! Is Reliable- Shows Up On Time!Is Committed! Is Discreet- Keeps Information Confidential!Is Nonjudgmental! Has a Good Sense of Humor!Is Patient! Is Tolerant!Does not attempt to replace parent or guardian! SOURCE: DR. SUSAN G. WEINBERGER, PRESIDENT. MENTOR CONSULTING GROUP INC
  • 40. Are YOU Ready?
  • 41.  I am a People Person. I enjoy working with others.  I am a good listener.  I respect others. I am Sensitive. I can share- and I want to share who I am, what I know.  I love Cake! (the band?) (the dessert?)  I find service rewarding  I look for potential, not problems…  …but I can support without smothering, parenting, or otherwise wearing the bossy boots.  I can walk, talk, and chew gum simultaneously…  …and I can focus and be still.  I am patient and attentive. I am flexible, and when I commit, I make things work.  I’m Ready. That’s Me! 43
  • 42. So Now,Buckle Up Your Training Belt, Because Here We Go!
  • 43. Being a Mentor is an important responsibility. All mentors go through a very thorough screening process so that all mentees will be in safe company.Interview and ApplicationThree ReferencesBackground Checks & Drivers Record Contract Signed Confirming Parameters of the CommitmentAll Mentors Complete a Two-Hour Training Session (right now!)Amachi Staff Supports Mentors throughout the RelationshipMentors Participate in On-Going Training at Least 4 Times per Year 45
  • 44. IF YOU SUSPECT CHILD ABUSE ORNEGLECT AT ANY TIME YOU MUST CONTACT RSVP+ ASAP! Do not hesitate. Just call- it’s the law! 46
  • 45. Setting BoundariesHaving the support of a mentee’s family is very important. It is also very important to establish boundaries that will protect the mentor/mentee relationship as it builds.Take the “Boundary Setting Tips” Agreement out of your folder. Read through, and ask if you have any questions.
  • 46. Key Things to Remember: Your Relationship is Between You and Your Mentee It is Not your Role to Discipline your Mentee or to Provide Basic Needs Relationships with other Family Members Compete with Your Mentee Always Be Friendly and Polite Keep Conversations with Family Members to Very General “Chit-Chat” Listen without Judgment Do Not Become Involved in Family Issues Honor your Mentee’s Right to Privacy Crossed Boundaries can Hurt Your Trusting Relationship with your Mentee
  • 47. It is important to establish a parental relationship.Having parents in the loop means that you can set boundaries and expectations, and speed up the“getting to know you” process with your mentees. 49
  • 48. Include the following in a letter to your mentee’s parents: Tell them a little about yourself!  Your name and contact information  Why you joined the mentor program  Your interests and hobbies  Your experience with youth  Include an invitation to keep in touch
  • 49.  Tell them about your hopes for the relationship with your mentee! What experiences do you hope to share? What are you looking forward to about spending time with their child? In what ways do you hope to make an impact? What do you hope to learn?
  • 50. 1) Establish a Trusting Relationship2) Enhance Life Skills3) Goal-setting Guidance4) Enhance Social Competence 52
  • 51. Task #1: Build a Trusting Relationship The Phases of a Relationship 53
  • 52. Beginning Phase Part 1 The “Testing the Waters” phase You want to fix everything, you want instant rapport, and you are trying to bridge some differences.     Be consistent and reliable.            Show that you can listen.            Focus on doing things with rather than for your mentee.            Be non-judgmental.            Be honest about what you can and cannot do. *It’s ok to say that your program has set limits on you, too.
  • 53. Beginning Phase Part 2 It can be overwhelming when your mentee opens up to you. Be patient. Expect ups and downs. Realize that this takes time and adjustment for both of you. BUT it will and can happen. Set appropriate limits on your interaction times. Be involved, but keep perspective. Realize that your mentee is capable.
  • 54. Your mentee is quiet… now what? Think of conversations starters beforehand. Get to know each other better by making lists of favorites. Use resources available at http://rsvp.ndsu.nodak.edu/amachi.html Play a game! Cards, board games, or even Tic Tac Toe! * Until you know each other better, keep games light- hearted by focusing on having fun and learning together.
  • 55. Good Communication Skills: Be considerate and respectful. Always! Do not preach or lecture, ask questions instead. Do not yell. Ever. Actions speak louder than words. Be as realistic as possible. Be clear and specific. Recognize that it is all right for two people to view the same things differently. Define what is important and ignore what is not. Know when to use humor- a little goes a long way! Listen, listen, listen!
  • 56.  Communication is founded on RESPECT • Both as listener • And as speaker Active, respectful listening requires: • Readiness • Attention • Energy 58
  • 57. “I” Statements • Be responsible for your own thoughts and feelings • Project this with your speech- • Tell what you feel • Explain why, without criticism • Describe your needs and your ideasMetro Youth Partnership 59
  • 58. 3Ls The Three Ls #1 Listening  Be in the moment and pay attention  Eliminate distractions  Keep an open mind  Encourage the speaker to continue  Let the mentee finish what they are saying  Listen for feelings underneath words
  • 59. 3Ls The Three Ls #2 Looking  Make eye contact and stay relaxed  Show that you are listening  with body language and verbal cues  Check if you are understanding the speaker • Paraphrase what is being said • This is important in building trust and respect
  • 60. 3Ls The Three Ls #3 Leveling  Speak with honesty and kindness together to build trust  Speak for yourself; Use “I” statements  Respect their feelings without trying to change them  Only give advice if asked  Give advice by asking introspective questions  Deal with feelings  Work together to find solutions
  • 61. The “Staying Power” PhaseYour mentee may test you with inappropriate requests oractions just to see what kind of staying power you have.Don’t take it personally.Reinforce your limits that you two have agreed upon.Be there; keep an open mind and be available.Reaffirm your commitment to the relationship.
  • 62. The Increasing Independence PhaseThis is the, “Growing Up, Moving On” phase. Your mentee has becomeless dependent on you and is finding other sources of support.Be proud to help her move on!Talk about the shifts you are seeing;Reinforce the good things you have seen.Continue to be supportive and encouraging!
  • 63. Words of Wisdom: A mentor is “Different than a step- father or mother.”,“You’re not raising kids… you’re not there to change them.”“We’re talking COMPLETE ACCEPTANCE. You’re a confidant. Not an authority.. they’ve got people telling them what to do all the time. It’s okay to not be bossing them around.” 65
  • 64. Task #2: Enhance Life SkillsTeach and model skills to help young people carry theirbaggage better.“It is important for children to understand that their FEELINGS are not the problem, but their MISBEHAVIORmay be.” -(Ginott) Young people need multiple champions; some to cheer, some to teach
  • 65. Task #3: Goal-setting Guidance Focus on what is STRONG, now what is wrong! Remember: Fertilizer is more powerful than weed killer! Sparks change over time: Keep current as your mentee evolves! A skill is not automatically a spark. Pay attention to what mentees would like for themselves, * not just what you think they might need.
  • 66. The Seven Essential QuestionsAs you get to know your mentee, find the answers to these questions:1. What are your mentee’s sparks?2. When and where do they show their sparks?3. Who else knows of their sparks?4. Who else helps to support their spark?5. How can they use their spark to make our world better?6. What gets in the way of the mentee’s sparks?7. How can I help them to shine? 68
  • 67. To Foster “Sparks”:BE CONSISTENT! TELL THE TRUTH! ∗ Builds trust ∗ Be honest ∗ Shows reliability ∗ Excuses and fabrications destroy trustTAKE ACTION! ∗ Follow through with your words BE DEPENDANT! and promises. ∗ Need time one on one ∗ Actions speak louder than words and face to face ∗ Be on time!
  • 68. Spark Champions Mentors: Affirm sparks! Model their sparks! Encourage expression! Provide opportunities for expression! Run interference and help eliminate obstacles! Show up to recitals, games, performances, plays, reading, & contests!!! 70
  • 69. Talking with a Child About Sparks ∗ Watch for signs of sparks - “You really seem to enjoy…” ∗ Share your own sparks - “When I was your age, I was passionate about…” ∗ Ask open-ended questions, and then listen – “What do you think your spark is?”71
  • 70. Task #4: Enhance Social Competence Youth learn from watching adults; be a good model in your own social situations. Provide Positive Social Opportunities Encourage positive interactions between friends my modeling how to share, asking for favors, saying “please” and “thank you”. Model how to enter a social situation by making introductions, and joining into activities with others. Social skills need to be practiced in places where there is little stress or conflict; Make sure the environment is conductive to learning.
  • 71. Embracing DiversityYou and your mentee may come fromdifferent backgrounds at different layers.Some differences to expect:  Cultural and Ethnic Diversity  Socio-Economic Diversity  Youth Culture: Generational Diversity All three of these reflect different layers of cultures. Family traditions, values, perspectives on time, handling conflict, viewing authority, and communicating all unique to each family context.
  • 72. ∗ Culture is BIG∗ Misunderstandings Happen∗ Educate Yourself∗ If You Don’t Know, Ask∗ Creatively Explore Together 74
  • 73. Celebrating DiversitiesMentors and mentees may or may not share similar backgrounds. How mentors handle economic and culturaldifferences could greatly influence communication and how the relationship develops. Consider the following aspectsof diversity... Be open to learning and growing by listening and asking.                                                             ii.      Have an open and inquisitive mind.                                                            iii.      “If you want to ask it, be prepared to answer it”b.      Make the effort to educate yourself.                                                               i.      Show an interest and do your homework.1.      Attend festivals together and talk about them2.      Talk about books being read in school or family events                                                             ii.      Learn more about yourself and your own cultural habits that you might think areuniversal—but aren’t!1.      Invite your mentee to something that’s important to you and talk about why this was cool for you.c.      You realize that you are on two socio-economic levels, and don’t know what to do about it.                                                               i.      Don’t try to be the social worker or service provider.                                                             ii.      Open the doors
  • 74.  Learn about your mentees:  Culture  Ancestry  Ethnic Identity What can you share? Remember, never be afraid to ask. 76
  • 75.  Be aware of the potential for a wealth and privilege gap Words of Wisdom:  Provide Access  Focus on Free: Find fun, free things to do out in the community, on college campuses (arts & sports), & schools (ball games, plays, concerts)  Set Goals Set limits for spending; Don’t be the “rich auntie/uncle”, or the “spoiler” In tough situations involving “I wish I could afford this… I wish I had a…”  Suggest the pathway to attaining those items and services.  Is your mentee old enough to work?  Can they save an allowance? 77
  • 76. ∗ Remember your own youth∗ Understand his need for independence∗ Suggest positive things∗ Know that this friendship is different. 78
  • 77. Tough situations…how will you react?Click here:
  • 78. Children of Incarcerated Parents∗ About the Children and their Families
  • 79. The Starfish PoemOnce upon a time there was a wise man that used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day. So he began to walk faster to catch up. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn’t dancing but instead was reaching down the shore, picking up something and gently throwing it into the ocean. As he got close, he called out, “Good Morning! What are you doing?” The young man paused, looked up and replied “Throwing starfish in the ocean.” “I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?” “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in they’ll die.” “But young man, don’t you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it? You can’t possibly make a difference!” The young man listened politely. Then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, pass the breaking waves and said- “It made a difference for that one.”
  • 80. Children of Incarcerated Parents: A Bill of Rights∗ I have the right to be kept safe and informed at the time of my parent’s arrest.∗ I have the right to be heard when decisions are made about me.∗ I have the right to be considered when decisions are made about my parent.∗ I have the right to be well and cared for in my parent’s absence.∗ I have the right to speak with, see, and touch my parent.∗ I have the right to support as I struggle with my parent’s incarceration.∗ I have the right to not be judged, blamed, or labeled because of my parent’s incarceration.∗ I have the right to a lifelong relationship with my parent.
  • 81. Background Information on the Children and Families Most children come from families with low SES All mentees are school aged children All mentees have an incarcerated parent who is spending a minimum of one year in a North Dakota prison The children currently live with a family member or are in foster care.
  • 82. What to Expect from the Children Attitudes, behaviors, and emotions you can expect to see from your mentee:∗ low self-esteem ∗ hyperactivity∗ lack of trust ∗ fearful∗ angry ∗ anxious∗ sad ∗ guilt or shame∗ defensive ∗ too clingy, or attached to you∗ aggressive ∗ decline in academic performance∗ quiet or withdrawn ∗ fighting with friends or peers∗ fighting with family members
  • 83. Possible Developmental Effects on Children of Incarcerated Parents From Middle Childhood Through Late Adolescence (Source: Dr. Denise Johnston, “Effects of Parental Incarceration, in Gabel and Johnston, p.68)Development Developmental Developmental Influencing Effects al Stage Characteristics Tasks FactorsMiddle Increased Ability to work Parent-child Acute traumatic independence, productively separation, trauma stress and reactiveChildhood ability to reason, behaviors(7-10 Years) importance of peersEarly Increase in abstract Ability to work with Parent-child Rejection of limits thinking, future others, control of separation, trauma on behavior,Adolescence orientated behavior, emotions trauma reactive(11-14 Years) puberty behaviorsLate Independence, Achieve identity, Parent-child Inter- abstract thinking, engage in adult separation, trauma generational crime,Adolescence emotional confusion, work, resolve premature end of(15-18 Years) sexual development conflict parent relationship
  • 84. Mentoring Context: “The System”∗ When a child has an incarcerated parent or other struggles going on in their home, it is very common that the child has a “system” of people working with them.
  • 85. Mentoring Context: “The System”What systems are there?∗ School System∗ Social Services∗ Tribal Systems∗ Legal System∗ Mental Health Professionals
  • 86. Mentoring Context: “The System”∗ Mentors are NOT allowed to interact with any of these systems without first having permission from the mentee’s parent or legal guardian.∗ If a mentor is interested in being involved with a particular system it is best to talk with a program manager.
  • 87. Mentees & “The System”∗ When working with so many systems a mentee might feel like they have no rights or say in what is going on. Here are some things to remember that children have the right to when being involved in the system...
  • 88. When Formal Mentoring Ends: • Be clear about timeline • Reflect together • Accept feelings • Plan a closing • Keep in touchMetro Youth Partnership 90
  • 89. Saying Goodbye∗ Have a formal end to your relationship is very important!∗ Talk about the time frame of mentoring at the beginning and as the end nears, so the end is planned∗ Explain the reasons for the end of the relationship∗ Celebrate the relationship! - Have a special event for your last meeting∗ Let the mentee know how special he or she is to you!!!
  • 90. Thank You!∗ We appreciate your time and energy spent learning how to become a good mentor for children of incarcerated parents. Please take a few minutes to complete our training evaluation.
  • 91. “One hundred years from now, it will not matter what my bank accountwas, how big my house was, or whatkind of car I drove. But the world may be a little better, because I was important in the life of a child.” -Forest Witcraft, Within My Power
  • 92. Metro Youth Partnership 94