HOW KYLE CAME TO BE by Jeremy “Smarty Pants” Goldman
HOW KYLE CAME TO BE By Jeremy “Smarty Pants” Goldman Dedicated to Aaron Christensen, who’s brilliance inspired this story.
“ Ay, Brother Kyle,” said the Great Tuna Fish. “How did you come to be?” Kyle looked at him and stroked his whiskers. “It began long long ago, in a strange, faraway place called Wisconsin.” And thus begins the tail of how Kyle came to be.
Bob Dylan, a man with an oddly shaped head, was on an acid trip not far outside of Milwaukee. He was feeling ill, stumbled upon a tavern, walked inside, collapsed on the video arcade, and proceeded to lie there. This was not an unusual thing for him to do.
Eventually, the arcade grew tired of carrying Bob Dylan’s weight. The young lady inside the arcade cried out, “Young Man, you are crushing me!” At that moment, Bob Dylan regained consciousness. He gazed down into the arcade, and saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Bob Dylan worked fast, and was a man who often spoke his mind. “Ma’am,” he said to her. “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”
He then picked up his guitar and sung a tune. The words went: “ Well my house is on fire; burning to the sky I thought it would rain but the clouds passed by Now I feel like I'm coming to the end of my way But I know God is my shield and he won't lead me astray Still I don't know what I'm gonna do I was all right 'til I fell in love with you ”
The lady inside the video arcade was very surprised by these words. In fact, they were words more graceful than any she had heard in all her years. The lady went by the name of Ms. Pac-man.
She had an oddly shaped head as well. She was not yet married. However, she was engaged to a dull young man who also had an oddly shaped head and was certainly inferior to this lovely lady. “ I don’t know what to say!” She replied.
“ Don’t say anything,” said Bob Dylan. “Just kiss me.” And Bob Dylan and Ms. Pac-man began to make sweet, sweet love.
Bob Dylan spent the night on the video arcade. He awoke in the morning, unable to fully remember what had happened the night before. “Hello baby,” said a voice from the video arcade. Bob Dylan looked down to see a woman with an oddly shaped head. “Uh oh,” he said. He realized he had made a big mistake.
Bob Dylan left that morning. Ms. Pac-man’s heart was broken and the two never spoke again. Nine months later she gave birth to a baby. A photograph of this baby can be seen in the cut-scene after one completes the apple level. Ms. Pac-man told her fiancé that the child was his. He believed her. He had no reason not to believe her. The baby had an oddly shaped head as well.
The child grew. He eventually became too large for the arcade that he lived in. The Pac-man’s eventually put him up for adoption.
“ That boy was taken in by a family in California. That boy was me,” said the Great Kyle. That is how Kyle came to be.