Lesson 8 Fun Finance Sex Spirituality NOTES

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Lesson 8 Fun Finance Sex Spirituality NOTES

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  3. 3. Rediscover FunBrainstorm and write a list of things you both enjoy together Choose Big thing (cruise) and small things (Cards after dinner) Discuss which ones are easiest to implement NOW. 3
  4. 4. List Leisure activities you DONT enjoy doing togetherQUALIFIER: As long as it doesn’t steal time from the marriage.Like he likes football but not Opera? (and her vice versa?) learn to appreciate and respect each others wishes 4
  5. 5. Implement a Time Together Policy & stick to it. Weekly date night...time...location Avoid talking about any problem/Issue here Just enjoy your time together. Make it FUN! 5
  6. 6. When values differ, money arguments often occur. 6
  7. 7. List your values (the things you hold most dear) and compare your list with yourspouse.Money can mean:STATUS – Keep up with the “Joneses”SECURITY – Conservative in spending --- focus on savingEMPLOYMENT – Receives satisfaction from spending money on ourselves and ourfamilyCONTROL – maintains control over HIS/HER life and Independent from their partneror Family members. 7
  8. 8. List your values (the things you hold most dear) and compare your list with yourspouse.Money can mean:STATUS – Keep up with the “Joneses”SECURITY – Conservative in spending --- focus on savingEMPLOYMENT – Receives satisfaction from spending money on ourselves and ourfamilyCONTROL – maintains control over HIS/HER life and Independent from their partneror Family members. 8
  9. 9. What Money Can BuyA houseA bedBooksFoodLuxuryFineryMedicineFlatteryCompanionsAmusementsReligious prideWhat Money Cant BuyA homeSleepBrainsAn appetiteCultureBeautyHealthRespectFriendsHappinessEternity 9
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  11. 11. SEXUALITY 11
  12. 12. SEXUALITYSex was the seventh out of 10 Top Predictors of a Happy, Healthy StepfamilyRelationship(See slide 1?)Sex only contributes 13% towards a high Quality Relationships Our tool Kit will beRather remiss if we are relying on sex to make our relationship really SIZZLE 12
  13. 13. A study of 50,000 steparents revealed the Top 10 qualities of Highly satisfiedRemarriage couples:1. Partner’s Personality2. Healthy communication3. Ability to resolve conflict4. Shared couple leisure activity5. Flexibility and adaptability6. Financial management7. Healthy sexuality8. Friendships & extended family9. Managing complexity10. Couple closeness & emotional safety.Health sexuality and affection within the relationship was only #7 in importanceContrary to all the pulp fiction tabloids!Positive couple closeness and emotional safety. 13
  14. 14. Healthy CouplesUnhealthy Couples97% agree that affection and sexuality is used fairly within the relationship.49% disagree as to how sexuality is used in the relationship: affection is sometimesabused.93% agree that they are completely satisfied with the amount of affection theirpartner gives them.55% are hungry for affection from their partner.89% agree that their level of interest in sex is about the same.53% are concerned that their partners level of interest is different from theirs.95% are secure in how their partner interprets affection; they arent afraidmisinterpretation.38% are reluctant to be affectionate because it is often interpreted as a sexualadvance. 14
  15. 15. 95% of Happy couples are secure in how their partner interprets affection;they arent afraid of being misinterpreted.38% of unhappy couples are reluctant to be affectionate because it is ofteninterpreted as a sexual advance; the meaning of affection is unclear.ONLY 10% of happy couples have concerns about the previous sexual experiences oftheir partner.42% of unhappy couples have concerns about how their partners previous sexualexperiences will impact their relationship.They are four times as likely to be concerned about this than happy couples.93% of couples with Happy Vibrant Relationships agree that each Partner uses sexFAIRLY – not as a tool to control or manipulate the relationship.49% of Unhappy couples disagree how sex is used and report that their partnersometimes uses of refuses affection UNFAIRLY 15
  16. 16. Healthy couples report that :Sex flows from Emotional Intimacy based on Honest communication, TRUST in eachother, STRONG FREINDSHIP and PASSIONATE LOVE.Biologically, affectionate touch will increase levels of oxytocin -- the "bondinghormone." Oxytocin is a desire-enhancing chemical secreted by the pituitary. Regularoxytocin release may help encourage frequent lovemaking. 16
  17. 17. Unhappy couples report:Destructive conflictInability to resolve issuesLack of TrustSelfishness of either party.All of the above contribute to an unsatisfactory sexual experience. 17
  18. 18. Remarriage Sex:Tips for Not Getting Caught in the PastDont make comparisons in your mind. . . or out loud! "Why cant you touch me theway John did?" isnt going to breed confidence in your partner. Keep yourcomparisons to yourself! Nor should you linger on comparisons in your own mind.Doing so keeps you looking back instead of connecting to the moment at hand.Stay open to new preferences. Your new spouses sexual preferences may vary from aprevious partners. Dont think that what. worked with a previous partner will workagain. Listen to verbal and nonverbal messages telling you your partners preferences.Calm your insecurities. If you were sexually rejected or traumatized in the past, becareful not to let your insecurities or anxiety run ahead of you.Give yourself time to develop a couple-groove. Learning how to read each other,when to respond with a specific touch, or what your couple sexual style is will taketime. Learn as you go; share what you learn.Confront your sexual ghosts. Dont be quick to make negative assumptions aboutyour partners motivations or behavior. When fearful, try to take small risks toincrease your willingness to trust.Dont ignore sexual problems, and dont overreact. Its normal for couples to have asexual complaint of some kind. Dont panic if you encounter difficulty. Talk it throughand if necessary, find a sex therapist who can help. 18
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  20. 20. SPIRITUALITYResearch clearly indicates that Couples Sharing similar Spiritual beliefs scoresignificantly Higher onall aspects of stepfamily Life. 20
  21. 21. SPIRITUALITYResearch clearly indicates that Couples Sharing similar Spiritual beliefs scoresignificantly Higher on all aspects of stepfamily Life.One reason could be that a mature faith emphasizes US, OURS & WE rather than meand mineRigid individualism of our Western culture is toxic to marriage family and society. 21
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