Parenting…Just like running a country!                                         1
Parenting Strengths of Happy vs Unhappy CouplesHave concerns about the kind of parent or step parent my spouse will bePerc...
Biological Parent must pass Authority to Stepparentsi.e.: “I know Bob is not your dad, but when I am not here, he will be ...
Biological Parent should build Trust in Stepparents        1. Trust is learned and earned through Nurturing relationships ...
Biological Parent should build Trust in Stepparents       3. Your children will learn that OBEYING the step parent is opti...
3. Stepparents should move into Relationship and Discipline GRADUALLY       Stepparents listen to Childs level of openness...
3. Stepparents should move into Relationship and Discipline GRADUALLY       Move from POSITIONAL AUTHORITY (Boss or Teache...
Page 111Styles of ParentingDiffering ideas about how best to parent is an issue for 64 percent of unhappystepcouples. Surp...
Page 112-113 Authoritarian parenting. These parents have more rigid rules and expectationsand strictly enforce them. They ...
10
SCOPE Personality Profile CategoriesSocialExtroverted vs Introverted . Skilled in handling social situations .The life of ...
Specific Unbalanced Personality Traits in Happy and Unhappy Relationships1. Moodiness is an issue for only a few happy cou...
Specific Unbalanced Personality Traits in Happy and Unhappy Relationships1 Moodiness is an issue for only a few happy coup...
Suggestions for Dealing With Personality DifferencesDont try to change your partners personality It wont work!Be responsib...
Suggestions for Dealing With Personality DifferencesDont try to change your partners personality It wont work!Be responsib...
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Lesson 5 Step Parenting Strengths NOTES

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Lesson 5 Step Parenting Strengths NOTES

  1. 1. Parenting…Just like running a country! 1
  2. 2. Parenting Strengths of Happy vs Unhappy CouplesHave concerns about the kind of parent or step parent my spouse will bePercent of Happy couples 6.00%Percent of Unhappy couples 40.00%Have discussed the responsibilities of raising children and step childrenPercent of Happy couples 84.00%Percent of Unhappy couples 54.00%My partner’s family raised children in a similar manner to minePercent of Happy couples 69.00%Percent of Unhappy couples 6.00%We have agreed on how to discipline our children/stepchildrenPercent of Happy couples 68.00%Percent of Unhappy couples 36.00%We agree on the type of religious education for our children/stepchildrenPercent of Happy couples 74.00%Percent of Unhappy couples 44.00% 2
  3. 3. Biological Parent must pass Authority to Stepparentsi.e.: “I know Bob is not your dad, but when I am not here, he will be enforcing thehousehold rules we have agreed on I expect you to be courteous and respect him asyou would any authority figureI will back him up just the same as if you caused problems for a babysitter or yourschool teacher 3
  4. 4. Biological Parent should build Trust in Stepparents 1. Trust is learned and earned through Nurturing relationships 2. If you dont strive to trust your spouse with your children, you will continually defend them, EVEN when ILL ADVISED 3. (next slide) 4
  5. 5. Biological Parent should build Trust in Stepparents 3. Your children will learn that OBEYING the step parent is optional (since you always stick up for them) and your spouse will resent your children 4. Open yourself up to the step parents input and Trust their heart: 5. Talk Listen, Negotiate. 5
  6. 6. 3. Stepparents should move into Relationship and Discipline GRADUALLY Stepparents listen to Childs level of openness and Keep trying to nurture a Relationship even if they are rejected again and again. PERSISTENCE AND GRACE must abound. 6
  7. 7. 3. Stepparents should move into Relationship and Discipline GRADUALLY Move from POSITIONAL AUTHORITY (Boss or Teacher) to Relational authority(the child knows we care about them deeply and honors us by asking for our direction and opinion) 7
  8. 8. Page 111Styles of ParentingDiffering ideas about how best to parent is an issue for 64 percent of unhappystepcouples. Surprisingly its also an issue for about onethird of happily marriedcouples. Lets review the different styles of parenting and which one works best.Democratic parenting. Sometimes referred to as authoritative, these parentsestablish clear rules and expectations and discuss them with the child. Although theyacknowledge the childs perspective, they use both reason and power to enforcetheir standards. On the Parenting Styles and Family Map, democratic parentingrepresents a balance of closeness and flexibility. Connected parents have solid, lovingrelationships with their children. This provides the child a safe environment withunconditional support, encouragement, andaffection. The balanced flexibility of thehome also provides structure, clear expectations, and limits. When behavioral linesare crossed, children are firmly admonished, but love remains.Considerable research on parenting has demonstrated that more democratic parentshave children who are more emotionally healthy and happy, are more successful inschool and life, and have a greater value-based outlook on life. They are cheerful, areself-reliant, cope with stress well, and are achievement oriented. 8
  9. 9. Page 112-113 Authoritarian parenting. These parents have more rigid rules and expectationsand strictly enforce them. They expect and demand obedience from their children. Theauthoritarian style is located in the lower right quadrant of the Family Map and ischaracterized by very structured to rigid parenting while closeness and loyalty to the familyare highly demanded. The more extreme this type of parenting is, the more difficulty forchildren, especially adolescents, who tend to rebel against it. Children of authoritarianparents are often conflicted, irritable in behavior, moody and unhappy, vulnerable to stress,and unfriendly.Permissive parenting. These parents let the childs preferences take priority over the parentsideals, and they rarely force the child to confirm to reasonable behavioral standards.Expectations and rules are chaotic at times and are easily manipulated because these parentsprefer to keep the peace with their children. A warm, affectionate friendship with the child isthe parents most important priority even though it results in impulsive-aggressive childrenwho are often rebellious, domineering, and low achievers.Rejecting parenting. These parents do not pay much attention to their childs needs but havehigh expectations regarding how the child should behave. These families have little emotionalconnection; children are not sure they are loved due to the parents disengaged style. Anenvironment with high expectations and little emotional support creates children who feelthey arent good enough; failure comes with great insecurity and shows itself in low self-esteem, immaturity, and a variety of psychological problems.Uninvolved parenting. Also called neglectful parenting, these parents often ignore the child,letting the childs preferences prevail as long as they do not interfere with the parentsactivities. Like the rejecting parent, uninvolved parents are emotionally disengaged, but theydont have rigid rules or expectations. Rather, they are overly flexible in their structure,leaving the child alone without consistent boundaries. Children of uninvolved parents areoften withdrawn loners and low achievers. 9
  10. 10. 10
  11. 11. SCOPE Personality Profile CategoriesSocialExtroverted vs Introverted . Skilled in handling social situations .The life of the party .Comfortable around people . Makes friends easily . Often on the go . Loves largeParties . Doesnt mind being center of attentionChangeOpen to Change vs Conventional : Prefers variety to routine . Likes to begin newthings . Enjoys visiting new places . Values Flexibility . Enjoys thinking of new ways todo things . Comfortable with changeOrganizedConscientious vs Less Organized: Always prepared . Makes plans and sticks withthem . . Carries out plans . Seldom wastes time . Gets chores and tasks done rightaway .Likes order . Tries to follow the rules .PleasingAgreeable vs Forceful: Respects others . Doesnt like to be pushy . Believes in thegood intentions of others . Accepts people as they are . Values cooperation overcompetition .Loves to help others . Has a good word for everyone .Emotionally SteadyCalm vs Reactive: Not easily bothered by things . Seldom gets mad . Rarely complains.Seldom feels blue . Comfortable in unfamiliar situations . Feels comfortable with self.Remains calm under pressure 11
  12. 12. Specific Unbalanced Personality Traits in Happy and Unhappy Relationships1. Moodiness is an issue for only a few happy couples (21 %), but its a big issue formost unhappy ones (88%).2. The majority of unhappy couples are critical and negative about some aspects oflife (88%); far fewer happy ones are (27%).3. Control is an issue for 68 percent of unhappy couples, but for only 10 percent ofhappy ones.4. In unhappy couples, partners are often concerned that their spouse is depressed,unhappy, or withdrawn (82%); a concern for only 23 percent of happy couples.5. Stubbornness is an issue for 93 percent of unhappy couples; in contrast its an issuefor only 36 percent of happy couples.6. Concern for how one partners temper impacts the relationship is an issue for 71percent of unhappy couples but for only 16 percent of happy couples. 12
  13. 13. Specific Unbalanced Personality Traits in Happy and Unhappy Relationships1 Moodiness is an issue for only a few happy couples (21 %), but its a big issue formost unhappy ones (88%).2 The majority of unhappy couples are critical and negative about some aspects oflife (88%); far fewer happy ones are (27%).3 Control is an issue for 68 percent of unhappy couples, but for only 10 percent ofhappy ones.4 In unhappy couples, partners are often concerned that their spouse is depressed,unhappy, or withdrawn (82%); a concern for only 23 percent of happy couples.5 Stubbornness is an issue for 93 percent of unhappy couples; in contrast its an issuefor only 36 percent of happy couples.6 Concern for how one partners temper impacts the relationship is an issue for 71percent of unhappy couples but for only 16 percent of happy couples. 13
  14. 14. Suggestions for Dealing With Personality DifferencesDont try to change your partners personality It wont work!Be responsible for yourself The fact that personality traits are generally pervasivethroughout life does not give you an excuse not to learn behaviors that will positivelycontribute to your marriage For example, in order to serve your spouse, you can learnto pick up after yourself even though a mess in the kitchen or dirty clothes on thefloor doesnt bother you.Remember the positive aspects of your partners personality that attracted you tohim or her in the first place.Consider where you may be out of balance in your own personality and behavior.Think of strategies that could bring more balance to your life.Talk with each other about how to use your personality strengths to enhance yourrelationship. 14
  15. 15. Suggestions for Dealing With Personality DifferencesDont try to change your partners personality It wont work!Be responsible for yourself The fact that personality traits are generally pervasivethroughout life does not give you an excuse not to learn behaviors that will positivelycontribute to your marriage For example, in order to serve your spouse, you can learnto pick up after yourself even though a mess in the kitchen or dirty clothes on thefloor doesnt bother you.Remember the positive aspects of your partners personality that attracted you tohim or her in the first place.Consider where you may be out of balance in your own personality and behavior.Think of strategies that could bring more balance to your life.Talk with each other about how to use your personality strengths to enhance yourrelationship. 15

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