Cohabitation: Is it just playing house? YOU HAVE SOUND EFFECTS WITH THIS SHOW!
Story of Gary:(p 94)Couples who are intent on developing a long-lasting relationship should strive to manage their inner concerns and fears. Gary's wife, Shirley, complained that he wouldn't let her take any parental initiative with his children. Upon first reflection, Gary was aware that he struggled to release control of his kids, but he didn't know why. After exploring some of the couple's relational history, Gary's therapist uncovered that the pain of Gary's last wife's abandonment impacted his current marital concerns. The answer-and Gary's ghost-hit him right between the eyes.He knew he had been holding on to his children in order to protect them from further pain, but what he didn't realize was that he was also protecting himself. Holding on to them meant he didn't have to give as much of himself to Shirley. He feared making himself vulnerable to hurt, and he worried that she might not be fully committed to the marriage. He discovered that he had been intentionally making his wife jealous of his children so he could be assured of her desire for him; the irony was that over time this inadvertently built resentment in Shirley's heart toward both him and his children. Instantly Gary realized that he had to wrestle with his own fears-he had to become a ghost busted-instead of luring his wife into temporarily alleviating them with her jealous desire. When he faced his fears and learned to manage them, both he and his wife grew more confidence in their marriage.
A CASE STUDY IN GHOST BUSTING P 89The Fear Ghost: Current Fears and ReactionsTriggers: An angry scowl from her husband . Money missing from the bank account Husband's lack of interest in her childrenConflict over insignificant thingsThoughts:This is what preceded my last husband divorcing me; get prepared for the worstGuard your heart; assume the worstProtect the kids from his angerFeelings:Insecure; fearful; cautiousHurt; defensive; protectiveActions:Get quiet and don't share thoughtsAvoid discussing sensitive matters . Jump between kids and husbandWithhold affectionNew and Improved: Loving Without LimitsTriggers (these won't change):An angry scowl from her husband Money missing from the bank accountHusband's lack of interest in her childrenConflict over insignificant thingsThoughts:I don't know what his scowl means; I need to ask and listenGive the benefit of the doubt; ask with an open mind Wonder how we can work through this togetherFeelings:Curious about his reactions; open to knowing and understanding moreSecure in his commitment even when temporarily angryActions:Talk; be available; listen to his complaints; share my frustrations . Be affectionateBe assertive with concerns and working through conflictsAllow him room to build relationship with my childrenOpen to his parenting thoughts; we negotiate behavioral management of children together
Cohabitation (p 95) Fear of getting hurt and finding convenient ways of coupling is creating an environment of COHABITATING before MARRIAGEBelief that a “TRIAL MARRIAGE” will protect us is NOT TRUECOHABITATION before marriage actually increases the likelihood of Relationship Breakup even if the couple goes on to remarry.Dr. Larry Bumpass revealed current cohabitation rate in the US before marriage is 70%Research shows 9 Factors of cohabiting couples ( P 96-97)
Cohabiting couples have lower levels of personal happiness and higher rates of depression than married couples doCohabiters value independence more than married partners and have more individual freedom. Cohabiters are less likely to be supportive financially of each other than are married partners.Cohabiting couples are less sexually committed or trustworthy.Cohabiters have more negative attitudes about marriage than non-cohabiters.Couples living together have the lowest level of premarital satisfaction when compared to other living arrangements.Marriages preceded by cohabitation are more likely to end in divorce.Cohabiters have lower scores than non-cohabiters on religious behaviors, personal faith, church attendance, and joint religious activities.Cohabiting increases the risk of couple abuse and, if there are children, child abuse.
Essentially, cohabitation is living with second best and then wondering why it didn't work out for the bestIs cohabitation a true test of a couple's potential marriage quality (i.e., trial marriage)? Does it help couples avoid a breakup before marriage or divorce after the wedding? Absolutely not! Yet couples still do it, even to the detriment of their relationship.
Lesson 3 Cohabitation
The Fear Ghost: New and Improved: Loving Current Fears and Reactions Without LimitsAngry scowl. Money missing - lack Triggers: Angry scowl. Money missing lackof interest in her children. of interest in her children.Conflict over insignificant things Conflict over insignificant thingsJust like my last husband! get Thoughts I wonder what the scowl means; Iprepared for the worst. need to ask and listen: benefit ofGuard your heart; assume the the doubt; open mind Wonder howworst. Protect the kids we can work through this togetherInsecure; fearful; cautious Curious about reactions; open toHurt; defensive; protective Feelings: knowing and understanding Secure even during angerGet quiet and dont share thoughts Talk; available; listen; share.Avoid discussion. Jump between Actions Affectionate, assertive work thrukids and husband. Withhold conflicts. Allow room to buildaffection relationship with my children Openness; negotiate parenting
1. Fear of getting hurt and finding convenient ways of coupling is creating an environment of COHABITATING before MARRIAGE2. Belief that a “TRIAL MARRIAGE” will protect us is NOT TRUE3. COHABITATION before marriage actually increases the likelihood of Relationship Breakup even if the couple goes on to remarry.4. Dr. Larry Bumpass revealed current U.S. cohabitation rate before marriage is 70%5. Research shows 9 Factors of cohabiting couples
1. Cohabiting couples are less happy and more depressed.2. Cohabiters like their independence and freedom.3. Cohabiters don’t share their money.4. Cohabiting couples cheat more.5. Cohabiters are negative about marriage.6. Couples living together have low premarital satisfaction.7. Shacking up before marriage is likely to end in divorce.8. Cohabiters have little faith in God.9. Cohabiting increases the risk of spousal and child abuse!!
LIVING WONDERING WHY WITH and then IT DIDNT WORKSECOND OUT FOR THE BEST. BEST Is cohabitation a true test of a couples potential marriage quality (i.e., trial marriage)? Does it help couples avoid a breakup before marriage or divorce after the wedding? NOT! Yet couples still do it, even to the detriment of their relationship.
Graphics, desktop publishing, sequencing and editing my OCOI Studios Xhilliwhack, BC OCOI.Studios@gmail.com Cartoons permission by cartoonstock.com Tables and graphs courtesy of Baker Publishing group