Lesson 2 What is our Potential?

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  • The types of couples were clustered in four groups:Vitalized, the happiest and most desirable state2. Harmonious, they lived in relative harmonyConventional: they fit together like wearing an old shoe! But they are not living life to the fullest.Conflicted. Stormy relationship, but not devoid of happiness. Would benefit from outside help.Devitalized: These were troubled couples that will soon crash and burn if they don’t find help soon.They were scored on eight important areas of skills for building healthy marriages. Note how the conflicted couples do quite well on role sharing: i.e.: He does the dishes & she mows the lawn.
  • 1. VitalizedMany very high scores.Very high couple agreement and happiness with most aspects of their marriage.Strong "internal" dynamics (e.g., communication, financial management, and shared spirituality).Strong "external" dynamics (e.g., family, friends, and relationship roles).Not slipping into complacency.Not taking each other for granted.
  • 2. HarmoniousMany High scoresSTRENGTHSHigh couple agreement and happiness with many aspects of the marriageStrong "internal dynamics" related to shared leisure time, communication, and sexuality.KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONSHigh scores provide a solid base from which to grow, but you need to be proactive.Parenting (not shown in the graphs, but included in your Checkup Report) likely needs improved cooperation, agreement, and follow-through. In stepfamilies, stress in parenting can be detrimental to your marriage.
  • 3. ConventionalSTRENGTHSModerate scores across most areas.Strong aspects include role definitions and spiritual convictions.KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONSCritical "internal" skills like communication and conflict resolution need attention.Emotional closeness and intimacy may be lacking.Give more attention to the couple relationship and a little less to children, friends, and extended family.
  • 4. ConflictedSTRENGTHSStrongest areas are roles and spirituality.KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONSBecause "internal" skills like communication and conflict resolution are lacking, cooperation, closeness, and handling clashes in personality will be difficult. Attention must be given to key areas like communication and conflict.
  • 5. DevitalizedSTRENGTHSMainly growth areas.Few couple strengths exist.Any existing moderate strengths should be improved first.KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONSFocus on any positive behaviors of your partner and praise them. Take time to talk and try to resolve current issues.If no improvement, seek marital therapy.Couple therapy intensives can be found at www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com.
  • Couple therapy intensives can be found at www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.comthe most visited and largest web site for Christian stepfamilies in the world. Here you will find hundreds of FREE articles, inspiring stories of hope, conference information, and practical resources providing strength for your journey and answers to your questions.  Created by author, therapist, and stepfamily expert Ron L. Deal, this site provides resources for single parents, dating couples with kids, stepfamilies, and the churches who serve them.
  • Getting Close:The doing and feeling of closenessVibrant Couples:. Feel confidence and trust in each other and feel secure with each other.. Include each other in important decisions.. Share leadership within their relationship.. Have a mutual respect for each other.. Have similar likes and interests.. Are committed to spending time together on a regular basis and intentionally plan ways to be together.. Feel the freedom to ask each other for help.. Choose to be loyal to each other.. Balance time with family and friends so as not to take away from their relationship.Closeness also involves balance. Every healthy relationship has a balance of time spent together and time apart. Couples have both a desire to be together (spending time together is a priority) and a respect for the individual interests, pursuits, and freedoms of their partner. In strong relationships, individuals place emphasis on the "self' as well as the "we."They strive for an appropriate amount of sharing, loyalty, intimacy, and independence. This dance of intimacy is not easily achieved. It demands attention and good communication since couples naturally have times in their relationship when they spend more time together and generate many close feelings, and other seasons of the relationship that demand more personal space. Taken together, these natural rhythms of marriage combine to create a "balanced" relationship, but couples should always guard against spending too much time at either extreme.Over time, unbalanced relationships overemphasize either the distance in the relationship (disconnected) or the need for closeness and mutual dependency (overly connected).lt is these extremes that couples need to guard against. Each extreme has an emotionally debilitating impact on relationships. Too much distance and one or both partners feel excluded, vulnerable, expendable, or lonely. Too much closeness and someone (or both) feels smothered, disrespected, or controlled.
  • From Page 75For many then, becoming more flexible in their relationship equals an increase in emotional risk. If you find yourself struggling with this fear, remember that without relational risk, there can be no relational gain.A stepfamily is no place for a rigid person. By nature, because of their complexity, remarried families require multiple changes throughout life. Inflexible people-who have rigid ideas of how family life should be-find themselves feeling worn out by the never-ending changes that result when multiple households, parents, and differing levels of bondedness with children collide. For example, stepmothers often report that they had no idea how difficult it would be to have their husband's ex-wife have so much influence over their family's schedule. "Just when I think I know what our weekend is going to be like, he gets a phone call from his ex and everything changes. I wish I had more control over my own life." That is a very familiar feeling for many remarried couples. Yet, since multiple-household families have multiple forces of influence, the ability to adapt-to take life as it comes-becomes a point of survival for many. With multiple forces of influence, people with rigid approaches to life find themselves constantly battling what they cannot control. But a flexible person is able to adapt, bend as needed, and get through the change. Even better is when both partners can adjust to change.Our study found that in 94 percent of happy couples both partners showed a willingness to change (compared to just 44 percent of unsatisfied couples). Managing change is a couple's matter, not just the task of one of the partners. When both adapt, the net result for the couple is a sense of unity as together they move around the forces of life.
  • Couple Flexibility: Making Life Work (Text p 73)HAPPY COUPLES  Are creative in how they handle differences (80%) and are open to exploring new solutions with each other.Compromise and seek win-win solutions; they consider the other's opinions and are open to being influenced by the other. (96%)Work together to organize their daily life, schedule, and household. (84%)Work as a team to make decisions; they seek unity in leading their household. (96%)Are humble and willing to change when necessary. (94%) UNHAPPY COUPLES  Have a rigid mentality to problem solving and get stuck. (72%)Seek to personally win and may fear giving the other too much control. (48%)Cannot seem to get organized. (61%)Make most decisions independently of the other. (41 %)Find change difficult or only one person is willing to adapt as needed. (44%)
  • Common UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONSUNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #1The biggest (and most unpleasant) surprize in stepfamily situations(P 89)1. Getting married and creating a stepfamily might be stressful, but what's the problem?Here is the REALITY---Dating is so comfortable – marriage is real life---stress in step families is double that of first marriages---Instant children add new stressUNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #2If we love each other, the children will follow close behind:Here is the REALITY---Some children welcome new family: some don't---We as parents need to accept where our children are at and continue to build trust and respect for each child.(continued next page)
  • UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #3If we are in love and our marriage is STRONG, children outside forces and ex-spouses will not divide us.Here is the REALITYonly 50% of unhappy step couple relationships felt secure in their marriage when their spouse spent time with his or her childrenconversely, 82% of High quality couple relationships were unified in feeling secure when their partner was with his or her children. This may mean that each step parent may have to make sacrifices on behalf of the childrenUNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #4Emotional resolution of Previous losses and Painful relationships means they won't affect us in the future.Here is the REALITY“moving on” doesn't mean you or your mate's baggage has been left behind.Before marriage he told me what was wrong with his first wife After the wedding, he compared me to what she did right!63% of step couples fear another relationship breakup58% Don’t think both partners have worked through all the issues and hurts from the past relationships
  • High vs. Low Quality Step Couple Relationship factorsFeelings of:Jealousy (fear of being replaced)Suspicion – Having trouble believing your partnerWorry – How your mate's previous sexual experiences compares to yoursFear – afraid of another relationship breakup.When these feelings are present, they predict with a 93% degree of accuracy as to our ability to have a High or Low quality Step couple relationship.

Transcript

  • 1. Five types of Married Couples 90 80 70 60Axis Title 50 Vitalized 40 Harmonious 30 Conventional 20 Conflicted 10 Devitalized 0
  • 2. 1. VitalizedSTRENGTHS Many very high scores. Very high couple agreement and happiness. Strong “internal” dynamics. Strong “external” dynamicsKEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONS Not slipping into complacency. Not taking each other for granted.
  • 3. 2. HarmoniousSTRENGTHS High couple agreement and happiness with many aspects of the marriage Strong “internal dynamics” related to shared leisure time, communication, and sexuality.KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONS Solid base, but needs pro-activity. Parenting Stress.
  • 4. 3. ConventionalSTRENGTHS Moderate scores across most areas. Strong aspects include role definitions and spiritual convictions.KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONS Critical “internal” skills like communication and conflict resolution need attention. Emotional closeness and intimacy may be lacking. Give more attention to the couple relationship and a little less to children, friends, and extended family..
  • 5. 4. ConflictedSTRENGTHS Strongest areas are roles and spirituality.KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONS Because "internal" skills like communication and conflict resolution are lacking, cooperation, closeness, and handling clashes in personality will be difficult. Attention must be given to key areas like communication and conflict
  • 6. 5. DevitalizedSTRENGTHS Mainly growth areas. Few couple strengths exist. Any existing moderate strengths should be improved first.KEY GROWTH DIMENSIONS/CAUTIONS Focus on any positive behaviors of your partner and praise them. Take time to talk and try to resolve current issues. If no improvement, seek marital therapy. Couple therapy intensives can be found at www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com.
  • 7. 50,000 studies are at your fingertips
  • 8. Disconnected Unbalanced system High separateness Somewhat BalancedConnected system More separate than together Balanced Connected equal separate & system together Balanced Very connected More together than system separateOverly Connected Unbalanced System Very high together
  • 9. Inflexible Unbalanced system Very little change Somewhat BalancedInflexible system Some change Flexible Balanced System Moderate change Very Flexible Balanced System considerable change Overly Flexible Unbalanced System A lot of change
  • 10. HAPPY COUPLES UNHAPPY COUPLESCreative in how they handle differences Have a rigid mentality to problem(80%) and are open to exploring new solving and get stuck. (72%)solutions with each other.Compromise and seek win-win Seek to personally win and may fearsolutions; they consider the others giving the other too much control.opinions and are open to being (48%)influenced by the other. (96%)Work together to organize their daily Cannot seem to get organized. (61%)life, schedule, and household. (84%)Work as a team to make decisions; they Make most decisions independentlyseek unity in leading their household. of the other. (41 %)(96%)Are humble and willing to change Find change difficult only onewhen necessary. (94%) person is willing to adapt (44%)
  • 11. 1. Getting married and creating a stepfamily might be stressful, but whats the problem?  Dating is so comfortable – marriage is real life  Stress in step families is double that of first marriages  Instant children add new stress2. If we love each other, the children will follow close behind:  Some children welcome new family: some don„t  Parents need to accept and respect children as they are.
  • 12. 3. Outside forces won’t divide us if we are in love.  50% of unhappy step parents Jealous of children  82% of High quality couple relationships felt secure when their partner was with his or her children.4. Emotional resolution of Previous losses and Painful relationship.  “Moving on” doesnt mean ignoring old baggage  Before marriage he told me what was wrong with his first wife. After the wedding, he compared me to what she did right!  63% of step couples fear another breakup  58% have not worked through all the old hurts
  • 13. Feelings of:1. Jealousy (fear of being replaced)2. Suspicion – Having trouble believing your partner3. Worry – How your mates previous sexual experiences compares to yours4. Fear – afraid of another relationship breakup.Predict with a 93% degree of accuracy as to our ability to have a High or Low quality Step couple relationship.
  • 14. Graphics, desktop publishing, sequencing and editing my OCOI Studios Xhilliwhack, BC OCOI.Studios@gmail.com Cartoons permission by cartoonstock.com Tables and graphs courtesy of Baker Publishing group