NurtureShock: New Thinking About
Children by Ashley Merryman
Conventional Parenting Wisdom Gets An Overhaul
In a world of modern, involved, caring parents, why are so many kids
aggressive and cruel? Where is intelligence hidden in the brain, and why
does that matter? Why do cross-racial friendships decrease in schools
that are more integrated? If 98% of kids think lying is morally wrong, then
why do 98% of kids lie? Whats the single most important thing that helps
infants learn language?
NurtureShock is a groundbreaking collaboration between award-winning
science journalists Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. They argue that
when it comes to children, weve mistaken good intentions for good ideas.
With impeccable storytelling and razor-sharp analysis, they demonstrate
that many of modern societys strategies for nurturing children are in fact
backfiring--because key twists in the science have been overlooked.

Nothing like a parenting manual, the authors work is an insightful
exploration of themes and issues that transcend childrens (and adults)
lives.
Personal Review: NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children
by Ashley Merryman
Nurture Shock is a parenting book with a strong scientific foundation that's
designed to have a big impact on breaking some of society's misguided
conventions regarding parenting and education; which looks to be an
exceptionally good thing. It focuses on a number of issues relating to
parenting and education in which good science shows us a different view
from current cultural assumptions.
Nurture Shock includes a fairly dense conglomeration of scientific studies
on different topics which the authors have gotten heavily involved in. I
loved how often they had actually sat down and observed studies
conducted by experts in various micro-fields of child behavior while still
sharing interesting stories about how their new-found knowledge had
impacted their own families. Lots of cool stuff!
It's a book designed for the masses, so it's a relatively quick read, but
weighty (and even gutsy!) nonetheless.
The thing that perhaps struck me most about the book was the utter
honesty of the authors and scientists, who were sharing information even
when it wasn't what they *wanted* it to be; they were incredibly up-front
about their own biases. Among other things, this makes it sort of
incomplete - in a natural and healthy and refreshing way. There's lots of
stuff to stew on, some of which is quite paradoxical, and it's certainly a
book I plan on re-reading and look forward to discussing with others.
Also, if you've read the New York Times' article "How Not to Talk to Your
Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise" (And if you haven't yet, you should!),
you'll get a little taste, because this article (which debunks conventional
thinking about "self-esteem" in children and gives a more whole and
complete sense of what children need in the way of praise and
encouragement) is written by one of the authors of Nurture Shock and the
subject matter of the article is part of what's covered in this book.
The following are the chapter titles with a little description of the content
(each chapter stands on its own):
1. "The Inverse Power of Praise": Basically, the self-esteem movement
was somewhat misguided in thinking that children would feel better about
themselves and do better if we just told them they were smart. The truth is,
children (and likely adults too!) work better with specific praise about things
that they have some control over - like putting good effort into something.

2. "The Lost Hour": A collection of studies on why children, especially
teenagers, need more sleep. The surprising thing is how big an impact this
can have on their school performance. Fascinating!
3. "Why White Parents Don't Talk About Race": A very interesting
discussion on the negatives of assuming that children will learn appropriate
social behavior and attitudes simply from hanging around other children
(and why we as parents need to get over our uncomfortableness in talking
about certain issues).
4. "Why Kids Lie": An exposition on current research on lying and some
helpful hints for parents - including the vital importance of truly acting like
we value honesty. The comparison on various morality tales and how they
impact children's behavior was quite fascinating.
5. "The Search for Intelligent Life in Kindergarten": This chapter details
serious flaws in the way (and especially the age) in which children are
being admitted (and not admitted!) into gifted programs in both public and
private schools. This chapter also provides some helpful background on
the intellectual development of children.
6. "The Sibling Effect" (Delightfully subtitled: "Freud was wrong.
Shakespeare was right. Why siblings really fight."): The basic point is that
sibling fights are almost entirely not about struggling for more parental
attention. You can read a little more about this chapter in an ABC News
article entitled: "The New Science of Siblings".
7. "The Science of Teen Rebellion": This has a lot of information about the
nature of arguments, some of which I'm still processing, but here's an
interesting quote - a conclusion regarding a particular study - to give you a
sense of it (Hurray for balance!):
"The type of parents who were lied to the least had rules and enforced
them consistently, but they had found a way to be flexible that allowed the
rule-setting process to still be respected."
8. "Can Self-Control Be Taught?": Many interesting insights from a new
preschool program/method that's showing great potential.
9. "Plays Well with Others": This covers a variety of parent and family
issues that have an effect on how children behave. One of the most
important overall themes is that as parents, it's not our job to protect our
children from conflict, but to help them learn to deal with it - in large part by
dealing with it reasonably ourselves. Discussions of "zero-tolerance" and
the paradox of "socially savvy" children (both primarily focused on the
school setting) were particularly valuable. Here's a challenging paragraph:
"We thought that aggressiveness was the reaction to peer rejection, so
we have painstakingly attempted to eliminate peer rejection from the

childhood experience. In its place is elaborately orchestrated peer
interaction. We've created the play date phenomenon, while ladening older
kids' schedules with after-school activities. We've segregated children by
age - building separate playgrounds for the youngest children, and
stratifying classes and teams. Unwittingly, we've put children into an echo
chamber. Today's average middle schooler has a phenomenal 299 peer
interactions a day. The average teen spends sixty hours a week
surrounded by a peer group (and only sixteen hours a week surrounded by
adults). This has created the perfect atmosphere for a different strain of
aggression-virus to breed - one fed not by peer rejection, but fed by the
need for peer status and social ranking. The more time peers spend
together, the stronger this compulsion is to rank high, resulting in the
hostility of one-upmanship. All those lessons about sharing and
consideration can hardly compete. We wonder why it takes twenty years to
teach a child how to conduct himself in polite society - overlooking the fact
that we've essentially left our children to socialize themselves."
10. "Why Hannah Talks and Alyssa Doesn't": Fascinating information on
research about how babies learn language, and particularly, learn to talk.
Basically argues for natural responses from reasonably attentive parents
as the ideal.
Overall, I found it to be a very helpful and worthwhile read. It would be
particularly good for reading AND discussion (at least with your spouse -
perhaps with a little group as well).
For More 5 Star Customer Reviews and Lowest Price:
NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Ashley Merryman 5 Star Customer
Reviews and Lowest Price!