Get Out of Your Own Way:
Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior
by Philip Goldberg
What A Great Series!
Procrastination...Envy...Anger...Self-pity...Compulsion....In any of its many
forms, self-defeating behavior is the single most common reason that
people seek psychotherapy. It is a poison that prevents people from
achieving the love, success, and happiness they desire. Get Out of Your
Own Way is an antidote, explaining the reasons for self-sabotage by going
back to the childhood origins of various behaviors. With anecdotes and
usable insights drawn from twenty years of psychiatric clinical practice, Dr.
Mark Goulston shares ideas that have helped thousands of patients
overcome pain, fear, and confusion-to approach lifes challenges with
dignity, wisdom, courage, and even humor.
Personal Review: Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-
Defeating Behavior by Philip Goldberg

As I began to read this book, I recalled the core concepts in The Knowing-
Doing Gap co-authored by Jeffrey Pfeffer and Robert Sutton. Briefly, they
assert that "so many managers know so much about organizational
performance, say so many smart things about how to achieve
performance, and work so hard, yet are trapped in firms that do so many
things they know will undermine performance." Many (most?) people have
a "gap" between knowing what to do and doing it, not only at work but in all
other areas of their lives. How to close this gap? Mark Goulston and Philip
Goldberg believe that a self-defeating attitude results in self-defeating
behavior...and I agree.
Goulston and Goldberg identify 40 different examples of self-defeating
behavior and briefly discuss each, also including relevant quotations and a
"Usable Insight" for each. I immediately identified with several (as will other
readers) and, after reading "10 Things You Can Learn from Each" and
then the Introduction: "How to Beat Self-Defeat," zeroed in on caught my
eye. Here are five:
#6 Behavior: Getting So Angry When you Make Things Worse
Comment: I have far more patience with others' mistakes than I have with
my own and really become upset when others are somehow victimized by
what I have said or done, albeit unintentionally.
Usable Insight: "Anger makes you wild, but conviction makes you strong."
Perhaps.
#16 Behavior: Trying to Change Others
Comment: Psychologists call this the "Rescue Fantasy." It can also be an
indication of arrogance. Whatever the explanation, I hate to give up on
anyone and become very upset with those who give up on themselves.
Usable Insight: "Don't try to change people; accept them as they are and
hope they'll change." Easier said than done, especially with loved ones.
#18 Behavior: Talking When Nobody's Listening
Comment: I wish I had a $10 bill for every time I totally lost the attention of
someone in a conversation without realizing it and and continued to babble
on.
Usable Insight: "When people stop listening, stop talking."
#25 Behavior: Refusing to "Play Games"
Comment: Although I realize that playing several "games is inevitable (e.g.
pretending to enjoy encountering someone in a social situation that you
dislike intensely), and that each has its own "rules," I much prefer candor.
Usable Insight: "The best defense against game-playing is to play the
game well." OK but only so long as, when doing so, others are not
deceived...or their trust betrayed.
#31 Behavior: Holding It All In
Comment: This is a first cousin of #19. Too often, I am reluctant to express
either positive or negative emotions in an effort to seem under control in

charge, and (yes) vulnerable. When described as a "tough read," I accept
that as a compliment.
Usable Insight: "Having the horror heard helps to heal the heart." That's
certainly alliterative but, in my opinion, ignores the perils of increasing
compression that exacerbates pressures that are already building up.
Goulston and Goldberg offer an abundance of sound advice. It remains for
each reader to determine which of the self-defeating behaviors are most
relevant to her or him, then make whatever behavior adjustments may be
necessary. The authors suggest that the book be read straight through. I
chose to take a different approach. Either way is fine. It is imperative to
read "10 Things You Can Learn from Each" and then the Introduction:
"How to Beat Self-Defeat" first. The extent to which a reader is receptive to
improvement of mindset and behavior will determine whether reading this
book is a journey of meaningful self-discovery or an extended exercise in
self-delusion. Reader's choice.
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