10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to
Find Real Love by Joe Kort
Helpful And Useful
The author of the best-selling 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to
Improve Their Lives turns his attention to the burning question of love.
There are few books for gay men on not only what to look for in Mr. Right
but how to become Mr. Right. My book will address both. It is not just
about finding him, it is what you do after you find him, says author Joe
Kort. A certified Imago Relationship Therapist, Kort has employed the
ideas put forth by Imago founder Harville Hendrix to transform the lives
and relationships of the countless gay couples he has worked with in 20
years of private practice. In Your Sexual Shadow, one of his new books 10
life-altering chapters, Kort unveils a surprising and groundbreaking idea
that explores how decoding sexual fantasies can often unlock the mystery
to what gay men are looking for in a partner and why. This will be
particularly elucidating to men who have been conditioned to believe their
sexual fantasies are an obstacle to long-term relationships. How can the
secret logic of dark sexual desires help you find Mr. Right? So many of my

clients say they have to get better before they find Mr. Right, reports Kort. I
think that is often a reason to avoid relationships and simply not true. His
new book is a practical guide to set gay men on the path to true love today.
Joe Kort is a therapist in private practice since 1985, specializing in gay-
affirmative psychotherapy as well as Imago Relationship Therapy, which is
a specific program involving communication exercises designed for
couples to enhance their relationship and for singles to learn relationship
skills. His first book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their
Lives, was a national gay and lesbian bestseller.
Personal Review: 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real
Love by Joe Kort
I bought this book for a friend for christmas, but after I'd wrapped all the
presents, I ended up with it left over, couldn't remember who I bought it for,
so kept it for myself. That turned out to be a wonderful serendipity.
Kort's work is probably the most deeply insightful exploration I've read of
the influences of family of origin issues, internalized homophobia, and
other baggage that gay men experience, and how those factors, as well as
subtle peer influences within the gay community and other factors affect
us, and, in turn, how we select partners and how we relate to them.
I've read a lot of the psychology literature, both clinical and popular, on gay
men and the special issues they face, but I think Kort has done the best
job yet of weaving all of the pieces together in a way that is insightful and
really helps the reader understand *why* we choose the partners we do,
the actions we take that are driven by our unconscious, and particularly
how all of the behaviors we bring to relationships have their roots in our
childhood and other internalized life experiences.
Some of the insights he describes in the case histories of couples he has
worked with are just extraordinary, as though finding the "needle in a
haystack" that is the root cause of a partner's insecurities or inappropriate
actions/behaviors. Almost everyone reading the book will find portions of
the book that will resonate with their own experience, and there were
several times when I was reading it where I experienced major "Aha"
moments as it described feelings or behaviors I'd experienced but could
never quite explain or understand.
This book is apparently not as popular as his first book, probably because
it is not a breezy, shallow book that you can read with little life impact; this
is a book packed with useful information, and while it takes some time to
absorb and understand and integrate what he's saying, it is well worth the
effort.

I've since bought copies for two other friends, and both have enjoyed it as
much as I did.
If you only buy one book on gay relationships (or, for that matter, emotional
adjustment issues and happiness for gay men), I believe this is the book
you should buy.
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