Understanding counseling in a pastoral setting

Archpriest George Morelli, Ph.D.

GOD,HEALING ANDPRIESTLY MINISTRY

 The Holy Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, One God, is magnificently summarized by St. John Chrysostom in his Divine Liturgy: "for Thou art God ineffable, inconceivable, invisible, incompr ehensible, ever existing and eternally the same."

 ―The Son is the living, essential, and precisely similar Image of the invisible God, bearing the entire Father within Himself, equal to Him in all things, except that He is the Begetter. It is the nature of the Father to cause; the Son is the effect. The Father does not proceed from the Son, but the Son from the Father. The Father who begets is what He is because of His Son, though not in second place after Him.‖

 The Divine Persons and their communicative interrelationship in love are intrinsic to the Divine Nature. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit cannot be conceived apart from each other, in as much as the Divine Essence will lead to Divine action (Divine Energy) and the creation of the cosmos and mankind itself. Mankind was created to be in communion with God and with one another. The depth of the Trinitarian communion of love, which is descriptive of their essence and which also will serve as the purpose of mankinds creation…

 The Divine Persons are not added to another, they exist in one another: the Father is in the Son and the Son is in the Father, the Spirit is united to the Father together with the Son and completes the blessed Trinity as if He were ensuring the circulation of love within it. This circulation of love was called by the Fathers [Sts. Basil and Maximus the Confessor] perichoresis, another key word of their spirituality . . . Along with kenosis [emptying]. Perichoresis, the exchange of being by which each Person exists only in virtue of His relationship with the Others, might be defined as a joyful kenosis. The kenosis of the Son in history is the extension of the kenosis of the Trinity and allows us to share in it. Clement, O. (1993). The Roots of Christian Mysticism. Hyde Park, NY: New City Press.

 The nature of their sin was that they looked to the creation rather than the Creator for the life (which includes knowledge and wisdom) that can only come from God. In fact, the Fathers posit that if Adam and Eve had obeyed God, they would have matured in understanding and discernment and eventually would have come to know good and evil without becoming captive to the evil. The result of their disobedience was catastrophic. Adam and Eve lost the Spirit of God and became subject instead to the dust out of which they were created. Man became bound to the earth rather than its master. He was expelled from the Garden because knowing now only separation from God, he could no longer be part of its primordial harmony.

 We share in the sin of Adam in that we are born into a world where the consequences of sin prevail. These consequences are not only the outward brokenness like disease and death, but interior disorder as well. Our nature is corrupted. We are subject to temptation, prone to sin (the passions), and share in death.

 ―when he has attained dispassion … he … has no further anxiety about the three that were divided, for now with God they have made peace with one another. These three are the soul the body and the spirit.‖ [Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds). (1979). The Philokalia, Volume 1: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber.]

 StMacarius the Great, :"We can cultivate the ability to discern right and wrong if we understand the three movements which lead to passion: The first is a natural movement, inherent in the body, which does not produce anything sinful or burdening to the conscience, but merely lets it be known that it exists in the body" —such as hunger ―The Teachings of the Holy Fathers on the Passions (1986). Richfield Springs, NY: Nikodemos Orthodox Publication Society

 St. Mark the Ascetic: "Here we see that the natural appetite of the body innocently expresses itself: feeling the pangs of hunger, we prepare food and eat to fullness. Suddenly certain thoughts come to us involuntarily. Until our will consents, these thoughts constitute neither virtue or vice, but merely disclose the inclination of our will." This is the reason I use the term biological substrate in discussing emotional disturbance and the passions. Orthodox anthropology that suggests that "natural movements,‖ "inclinations," are the biological substrate of passions and further sins, etc. I do believe what are called "natural movements" are not the same as the "original nature" of man, but are a result of our fallen nature. These words of the Holy Fathers are pastorally and clinically useful in understanding the connection between body and spirit. [Philokalia I]

 In the Orthodox Church, healing of the soul ranks higher than the healing of the body. In fact, the healing of the body is offered as a sign of His mercy and blessing to the person experiencing Gods healing and to inspire others to do His will. Healing is to be sought both through prayer and the application of physical sciences, but no complete healing is possible apart from the final resurrection of an individual because the sentence of death still reigns in the mortal body. Further, not all people are healed, despite fervent pleas to God and the applications of the best medicines. Sometime illness needs to be endured.

 The Church Fathers give us insight into how we can use illness and the acceptance of mortality (death) to grow in Christ. St Ilias the Presbyter wrote: "Suffering deliberately embraced cannot free the soul totally from sin unless the soul is also tried in the fire of suffering that comes unchosen. For the soul is like a sword: if it does not go through fire and water (Psalm 66:12, LXX) -- that is, by suffering deliberately embraced and suffering that comes unchosen -- it cannot but be shattered by the blows of fortune" (Ilias the Presbyter,). We have to acquire an attitude of embracing both illness and the inevitable death of earthly life as part of Gods divine will for us. This is true not only for the sick, but also their loved ones who share in the suffering. In those cases where a healing does occur, it happens so that we may love God even more.[Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1986). The Philokalia, Volume 3: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber. ]

 Sometimes physical sickness is necessary to heal the soul. St. Maximus the Confessor wrote, "Suffering cleanses the soul infected with the filth of sensual pleasure and detaches it completely from material things by showing it the penalty incurred as a result of its affection for them. This is why God in His justice allows the devil to afflict men with torments." The acceptance of our illness and death as Gods will is one means by which we embrace the saving grace of Christ. This is a hard saying to accept, but those who have suffered in Christ testify to its truth. Could we not allow that sometimes God understands what we do not understand?

 ―The sacrament of priesthood is deeply significant…Despite the Orthodox emphasis on the ‗royal priesthood‘ of all believers, the Church also recognizes a difference between laypeople and ordained clergy, the latter being entrusted with the celebration of the Eucharist, and having the power of ‗binding and loosing‘. Ordination into a hierarchical rank, be it of bishop, priest or deacon, is not only a change of status but a transition to another level of existence.‖ Alfeyev, Archbishop Hilarion. (2002). The Mystery of Faith: An Introduction to the Teaching and Spirituality of the Orthodox Church. London: Darton, Longman and Todd.

 ―[This] grace is so exceedingly great that were men able to see the glory of this grace, the whole world would wonder at it; but the Lord has veiled it that His servants should not be puffed up but find salvation in humility … Truly noble is a priest —- the minister at God‘s altar.‖ The words of Christ Himself given to his apostles and followers tell us of the consequences of receiving His gifts: ―…to whom much is given, of him will much be required…‖ (Lk 12:48) [Sophrony, Archimandrite. (1999). St. Silouan the Athonite. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimirs Seminary Press.]

 Thus all who make up the visible Church on earth each a different function depending on God‘s grace. As St. Paul tells us: ―Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of working, but it is the same God who inspires them all in every one. (1Cor 12: 4-6)

 The Church founded by Christ and enlivened by the Holy Spirit at Pentecost is also hierarchical, that is to say made up of bishop, priest, deacon and those baptized into the royal priesthood. The teachings of Christ are understood and expressed in Council by the bishops and informed by the priests that surround them and confirmed by the people of God, the royal priesthood. This is done in union with the common teaching and common mind of the church as passed on through the apostles and Church Fathers.

 Dothou Thyself, O Master, look down from heaven upon thou who have bowed their heads unto thee … heal the sick, Thou who art the physician of our souls and bodies

 ―We accept all those things which have been handed down by the Law and the Prophets and the Apostles and the Evangelists. We know and revere them, and over and above these things we seek nothing else.‖ St. John of Damaskos [Philokalia II]

 St.Basil in his Divine Liturgy reminds all who surround the Holy Table: ―Be mindful also, O Lord, of the Priesthood, the Deaconate in Christ, and every priestly rank, and put not to confusion any one of us who stand about Thy Holy Altar.‖ The ministry of service of the priest-bishop is to preach, teach, sanctify and pastor, that is to say lead the flock of Christ. But the grace that outflows from ordination is not personal but is effectuated by God.

 ―Do thou, the same Lord, fill with the gift of Thy Holy Spirit this man whom it hath pleased thee to advance to the degree of Priest; that he may be worthy to stand in innocency before thine Altar; to proclaim the Gospel of Thy kingdom; t minister the word of Thy truth; to offer unto thee spiritual gifts and sacrifices; to renew thy people through the laver of regeneration.‖

 ―It is not Damasius, or Peter, or Ambrose or Gregory who baptizes. We are fulfilling our ministry as servants, but the validity of the sacraments depends upon you. It is not within human power to communicate the Divine benefits – it is your gift, O Lord.‖

 Consider the Parable of the Good Samaritan (Lk 10: 30-37): ‖But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was; and when he saw him, he had compassion, and went to him…‖ Bishop Hierotheos Vlachos (1994) emphatically states: ―In St. John Chrysostom‘s interpretation of this parable it is clearly evident that the Church is a Hospital which heals those sick with sin, while the bishops and priests, like the Apostle Paul, are the healers of the people of God.‖ Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1994). Orthodox Psychotherapy: The Science of the Fathers. Lavadia, Greece: Birth of the Theotokos Monastery.

 ―..the priest is properly a spiritual physician who cures people‘s sicknesses. Worship and sacrament must be placed within the therapeutic method and treatment.‖ Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1994).

 Healing can only be enlivened with the reception of the Holy Mysteries of the Church. Holy Baptism; Chrismation; Eucharist, (reception of the very Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Christ); Holy Confession, (metanoia, repentance in mind, heart and action, true sorrow for sin and longing for and working on being in communion with God); Holy Unction, the quintessential Holy Mystery of healing in which the priest prays: ―… this oil, that it may be effectual for those who are anointed therewith, unto healing and unto relief from every passion, of every defilement of flesh and spirit, and every ill; that thereby may be glorified Thine all holy Name, of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit: now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen;‖ Holy Orders, (ordination to the diaconate, priesthood, episcopacy) and Blessed Marriage, (male and female uniting to become one flesh, blessed by the Church).

 Christ told His apostles, ―It [domineering others] shall not be so among you but whoever would be great among you must be your servant‖ (Mt 20: 26). For as St. Paul told the Corinthians: ―For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus sake.‖ This implies that we interiorize the compassion of Christ: ―When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.‖ (Mt 9: 36). This recognizes that the priest and all who are true Christians ―Put on then, as Gods chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience, forbearing one another…‖. (Col3: 12-13). For as St. Paul explains ―if one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. (1Cor 12: 26-27)

 For the priestly office is indeed discharged on earth, but it ranks amongst heavenly ordinances; and very naturally so: for neither man, nor angel, nor archangel, nor any other created power, but the Paraclete Himself, instituted this vocation, and persuaded men while still abiding in the flesh to represent the ministry of angels. Wherefore the consecrated priest ought to be as pure as if he were standing in the heavens themselves in the midst of those powers. Fearful, indeed, and of most awful import, were the things which were used before the dispensation of grace, as the bells, the pomegranates, the stones on the breastplate and on the ephod, the girdle, the mitre, the long robe, the plate of gold, the holy of holies, the deep silence within. But if any one should examine the things which belong to the dispensation of grace, he will find that, small as they are, yet are they fearful and full of awe, and that what was spoken concerning the law is true in this case also, that "what has been made glorious hath no glory in this respect by reason of the glory which excelleth." For when thou seest the Lord sacrificed, and laid upon the altar, and the priest standing and praying over the victim, and all the worshippers empurpled with that precious blood, canst thou then think that thou art still amongst men, and standing upon the earth? Art thou not, on the contrary, straightway translated to Heaven, and casting out every carnal thought from the soul, dost thou not with disembodied spirit and pure reason contemplate the things which are in Heaven? Oh! what a marvel! what love of God to man! He who sitteth on high with the Father is at that hour held in the hands of all, and gives Himself to those who are willing to embrace and grasp Him. And this all do through the eyes of faith! [http://orthodoxchurchfathers.com/?mode=frames&query=Treatise%20on%20the%20 Priesthood&width=512]

 SpiritualCounseling is based on Spiritual Fatherhood, which in turn is based on the relation ship of the Person‘s of the Holy Trinity among themselves, which starts with the Father who is the ―Begetter.‖

 Knowledge of the Mysteries of God Scrutinizing the heart Summary of the teachings of St. Irenaeus [Hausherr, I. (1990), Spiritual Direction in the Early Christian East. Spencer, MA: Cistercian Publications.

MENTALHEALTHPROFESSIONALS

Typical Program

 The Clinical Ph.D. program at Rutgers University is an American Psychological Association accredited training program. We are a member of the Academy of Psychological Clinical Science, a coalition of doctoral and internship training programs that share a common goal of producing and applying scientific knowledge [emphasis mine] to the assessment, understanding, and amelioration of human problems.

 Clinicalfaculty conduct research on cognitive and behavior therapies, health psychology, psychophysiology, applied behavior analysis, prevention, substance abuse, emotional intelligence, cognitive functioning, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, and autism. Students have the opportunity to work with child, adolescent, adult, and older adult populations in multiple research labs at Rutgers and affiliated institutions. The training approach relies heavily upon a mentorship model of training.

2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010Number of 345 340 354 273 244 260 296 275ApplicantsNumber 12 9 9 8 8 12 7 7OfferedAdmissionSize of 8 8 7 4 4 8 3 5IncomingClassNumber of 8 8 7 4 4 8 3 5IncomingStudentsReceivingFull Support

GRE Data 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010(AverageScores)Verbal 622 680 670 650 690 640 720 660Quantitativ 717 750 700 720 750 690 720 710e

 PSY 2900 Professional Ethics PSY 2445 Psychotherapy Research PSY 3800 Psychometric Theory PSY 2430 Cultural, Racial, and Ethnic Bases of Behavior PSY 3250 Psychological Testing PSY 2050 History of Psychology PSY 1951 Intermediate Quantitative Methods PSY 1952 Multivariate Analysis in Psychology PSY 2040 Contemporary Topics in Psychopathology PSY 2460 Diagnostic Interviewing PSY 2420 Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Psychological Disorders Clinical students must also take one course in each of the following substantive areas: biological bases of behavior (e.g., PSY 2480, Human Neuropsychology/Neuroanatomy; PSY 2450, Affective and Social Neuroscience; PSY 1808, Neurobiological Aspects of Psychopathology); social bases of behavior (e.g., PSY 2500 Advanced Social Psychology); cognitive-affective bases of behavior (e.g., PSY 2400 Cognitive Psychology and Emotional Disorders); and individual differences (Required course PSY 2040 Contemporary Topics in Psychopathology fulfills the individual differences requirement for State licensure). In accordance with American Psychological Association guidelines for the accreditation of clinical psychology programs, clinical students also receive consultation and supervision within the context of clinical practica in psychological assessment and treatment beginning in their second semester of their first year and running through their third year. They receive further exposure to additional topics (e.g., human development) in the Developmental Psychopathology seminar and in the twice-monthly clinical psychology ―brown bag‖ speaker series. Finally, students complete a year-long clinical internship.

 Qualifying Examination before beginning Dissertation 16 hours (2 8 hr days)-Covers all areas in psychology Dissertation Defense (Oral Test 2-3 hours)

 Complete 3,000 hours of qualifying supervised professional experience, 1,500 of which must be accrued post-doctorally. For further information about supervised professional experience, please review section 1387 of the California Code of Regulations at http://www.psychboard.ca.gov/lawsregs/ Taking a written and oral state examination

Spiritual Ethos The Church Fathers teach that the intellect is a characteristic of the highest value, given by God, that a person can possess. Intellect does not mean high intelligence necessarily, but the faculty of intellect, namely, the ability to reason, distinguish, create, and all the qualities associated with it. Further, there is a moral imperative implied in their assessment. Since the intellect is a gift from God, we must exercise the intellect to the best of our ability. Neglecting the power of the intellect means we are not conforming to the will of God. Consequently, we must use the full measure of our intellects in the theory and practice of psychology.

 By consensus the Church Fathers consider: Intelligence to be related to the spiritual perception of God and that which is Godly and which is inspired by Him. Reason is a faculty of the soul related to mind. It is discursive and uses logic. St. John of Damascus calls it a ―sense of the soul,‖ also called ―[a faculty]‖ Philokalia II

 St. Maximus the Confessor taught: "the grace of the most Holy Spirit does not confer wisdom on the Saints without their natural intellect as capacity to receive it." Goodness and wisdom is granted to man by his "volitive faculty, so that what He (Christ) is in His essence the creature may become by participation" [Philokalia II]

 Since the rules that govern the world are written into the very fabric of creation and discerned by reason, the atheist, agnostic, or those committed to Christ can discover what they are. Uncovering them is not dependent on whether or not one believes in God. Use of a faculty (reason) in which we are made in God‘s image makes it a Godly task.

 What is termed the "scientific method" is the procedure by which scientific inquiry takes place. The scientific method is not static, but dynamic and ever changing that is refined as scientists get better at doing the "work of science." In psychology for example, as recent as thirty years ago only individual research studies were done. In the last few years researchers have been able to take the results of many individual studies to analyze the effects as a single study in a statistical procedure called "meta-analysis" Advances like this frequently occur.

 Observations. Observations are defined by the procedures used in measuring or assessing a subject; e.g. the intelligence of an individual is defined operationally by the score on a valid and reliable intelligence test. Hypothesis. These are assumptions or guesses as to how observations are related to each other to predict observable and measurable outcomes. Falsifiability: A hypothesis must be falsifiable. A "good hypothesis" can be falsified while a "bad outcome" cannot be falsified.

 Data Collection. Individuals chosen to be subjects in studies should be randomly selected. Subjects need informed consent but should be unbiased so as not to influence the outcome of a study. Researchers also have to be unbiased. Further, extra factors (variables) have to be eliminated in the studies. For example, say a researcher is studying whether a new vitamin promotes growth and designs a study so that only males makeup the vitamin group (the group taking the vitamin) while females makeup the control group (the group taking a placebo). The study is biased because an equal number of both sexes should makeup both groups. Data Analysis and Reporting. Measurements are analyzed, interpreted, and reported by accepted statistical methods. If the predicted outcome occurs this is considered support for the hypothesis. Special Studies. Strictly speaking, case studies, correlation investigations, naturalistic observations, questionnaires, and surveys are not experiments. They are the source of the hypotheses that lead to experimental investigations.

Psychoanalysis • Circular Reasoning • Reification

 It is unethical, negligent, immoral, and sinful to use non-scientific psychological methods for the treatment of mental disorders, for educational purposes, to promote family & social functioning, provide pastoral care and other efforts toward behavior change. Only when psychological methods are submitted to scientific discipline can they be considered reputable, trustworthy, and ultimately helpful. Mental health practitioners must keep up with the scientific research in their field. Likewise educators and parents should know the techniques shown to be effective with their families and children. Clergy should be informed of real scientific interventions to aid their pastoral ministry and make proper referrals.

 Bishop Hierotheos (1998) states that the use of contemporary psychology to guide men is a secular view of pastoral care and cannot substitute for asceticism and the hesychasm (silence) taught by the Church. God as both the source and end of a persons healing and sets the precepts of sound psychological practice squarely where it belongs: in the tradition of the Church., "Pastoral care is the work of the Church...it is the Churchs method for guiding men toward deification." Scientific psychology is not a substitute for the asceticism, the spiritual wisdom of the Church Fathers, hesychaism (silence), prayer, the Holy Mysteries (sacraments), all the constituents that make up life in the Church. Rather it complements the teachings about how the Christian life ought to be lived. Scientific psychology is a tool, based on our God given reason, to foster communion with God. In the spirit of St. Luke and all the physicians of the Church: healing should lead to thanksgiving and blessing towards God. Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1998). The Mind of the Orthodox Church. Lavadia, Greece: Birth of the Theotokos Monastery.

A Primer on Principles of Behavior A Primer on Cognitive-Behavioral-Emotive Interaction

 All must be done in the spirit of an "Orthodox Family Culture―: the totality of family actions, behaviors and beliefs should be permeated by Orthodox teachings and practice. By marriage the Orthodox couple is ‗ordained‘ so to speak or commissioned to create an Orthodox home and family a ‗domestic church‘, a ‗little church in the home.‘ The Orthodox wedding prayer states: "Unite them in one mind and one flesh, and grant them fair children for education in thy faith and fear [acknowledging the awesome, transcendent God]. By daily prayer together, scripture reading, attendance at Divine Liturgy and Services and bringing a Christian view of world events into the family, Christ can be at the center of every home.

 Parents should inform their children what are the behaviors they want from their children. Reasonable boundaries should be set and then maintained by cognitive-behavioral management techniques. These techniques are based on behavioral science research. God made us in His image and we are called to be like Him. The Church Fathers have told us that one of the important ways we are made in His image is in our reason and free will. Therefore when we use the tools and techniques science offers us we are conforming to the image of God in which He made us. Also did not Our Lord tell us to "be wise as serpents" (Mat. 10:16)? Using behavioral science tools in Christs name is surely following His Divine Will.

 Parents want their children to behave appropriately. We have to have in mind exactly what behaviors are appropriate and/or inappropriate. These behaviors (and their boundaries or limits) will change depending on the age, maturity, peers, and culture of the child, surroundings and family. As a general rule, boundaries grow with age. A little visual graphic of a series of boxes from small to large may be useful in explaining this. A child has freedom within the box, The sides represent the boundaries (set by parents, society and our Orthodox Christian morality). As a child gets older the box gets bigger. Note however that there are still boundaries. [This is true even as adults.] As a rule the boundaries should be enforceable and not too different from the childs peer group. For example, bedtime set at 7:00 PM for a 13 yr old is to small a box, 1:00 am would be to large a box (more suited for someone almost 18 years with supervision). Unrealistic boundaries undermine the authority and credibility of parents and invite rule breaking.

 Behavioral Pinpointing is what is: • Said • Done • When • Where The abstraction trap has to be avoided: • Use of general terms: ―be good,‖ or ―don‘t be bad.‖

 ―Pinpointing" behavior is usually the most difficult for parents to learn. The definition is easy: what is the child doing or saying, when, and where. It is the opposite of general descriptions. For example, describing a toddlers eating as "good" is totally useless. Telling a child "You were bad today ..." is equally meaningless. Words like "good, bad, hostile, considerate ...etc." are all abstract words: meaningless for behavioral management. If a teacher reports back to you that your son was hostile today. What does this mean? It could mean anything from the child using some rude word to a classmate, to picking up a baseball bat and hitting someone. These are examples of pinpointed statements: "While standing on the lunch line John kicked Sheila"; "While sitting at dinner Todd placed his milk glass an inch from the edge of the table and he hit into it when he swung around."

 In giving instructions, parents often fall into the "abstraction trap": "When we get to Grandmas I want you to be "good" today. Compare this to a behavioral pinpointed instruction. "Elizabeth, when we get to Grandmas I want you to play with your Barbie doll at the table and if you want something to eat or drink I want you to ask Mommy or Daddy. OK. Remember dont leave your play area unless you ask first." The child knows exactly what is expected from him or her. (This is also true for adults. Poor spouses, managers etc. ask others to "try harder" or be "more detailed" or "care more;" not realizing these terms are abstractions, having many different possible interpretations, and are ineffective in communication and in facilitating behavior change)

 The events that follow a behavior will determine if the behavior gets stronger or weaker. There are basically two types of events that follow behavior: Rewards (or reinforcements) and punishments.

 Positive(+) Reinforcement: Behaviors (good or bad) increase when followed by a pleasant (to the child) consequence Negative (-) Reinforcement: Behaviors (good or bad) increase when followed by taking away an unpleasant (to the child) consequence

 Positive(+) Punishment: Behaviors (good or bad) are decreased when followed by an unpleasant (to the child) consequence. Negative (-) Punishment: Behaviors (good or bad) are decreased when taking away a pleasant (to the child) consequence.

 If a child places their dirty dishes in the sink (a good behavior) and the parent says "Mary, I am proud of you for putting your dish in the sink," (and the child smiles noting pleasure at the praise) such good behaviors will increase. But suppose Joseph is told to drink his milk and he defiantly says "No" (a bad behavior) and you say "Yes you will" and he says "No" again (not only a bad behavior but now an additional bad behavior because he is talking back to you) and you say again "I told you, you will drink your milk" Such bad behaviors will increase. Why? Because they are followed by rewarding consequences. The parent is attending to bad behavior. [Note. In this case Joseph should be told ahead of time the consequence of not drinking his milk, (or better: the favorable consequence or outcome of drinking his milk) "Joseph if you dont drink your milk you will have an extra garbage chore to do." (or "You will not watch your 7:00 PM TV show." (alternatively: "Joseph, if you drink your milk, we will do your garbage chore for you today," or "You will get to watch that show on TV at 7:00 PM that you wanted."] Simply say it once and then apply the consequence.

 Parents also want to decrease bad or inappropriate behaviors. This is done my making sure unpleasant or unfavorable events (punishments) follow inappropriate behaviors. Mike is playing Nintendo instead of doing his homework. His parent may say "Well Mike you decided to play instead of doing your homework, you will loose Nintendo for one day until this time tomorrow. (punishment) If you do your homework tomorrow right after school and finish by 5:00 PM you can earn back the Nintendo game." (This is expressed as reward for appropriate behavior). There is a very important lesson in this example. When using punishment a parent must make sure that it is followed by rewarding appropriate behavior. Research has shown that punishment by itself is ineffective. Also at all times punishment should be said in a soft tone (unemotionally). Follow the advise of Teddy Roosevelt: "Speak softly and carry a big stick." In this example the "stick" is simply the consequences of the inappropriate behavior. (e.g. in the loss of the Nintendo game).

 The child cognitively focused on the relation between his/her behavior and the consequence. If the parent gives the consequence in an angry tone the child thinks "Boy is Mom or Dad mean" ... they are right and the child just lost the connection between their own inappropriate behavior and punishment. The childs attention is now focused on the parent (and the mean tone of voice). The child does not learn and resentment builds. Often angry behavior modeled by the parent is performed by the child. This angry behavior would be considered by the parent as inappropriate for the child to display. If this happens the parent has lost out twice (the child does not learn the original homework-Nintendo connection and is instead learning (from the parent ) that angry behavior is OK.

 Children are especially susceptible to being influenced by modeling (also known as observational learning) although the effects of modeling occur at all ages. Psychological research has found substantial support for the influence of modeling in childrens learning and resultant performance (Bandura, 1986) The work of Gerald Patterson (Patterson, DeBarsyshe & Ramsey, 1989) suggests that prosocial as well as deviant social behavior is heavily influenced by observing the social exchanges in the family, as well as the childs temperament, parental discipline style and personality, and the social context of the family. [Bandura, A. (1986).Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall; Patterson, G.R., DeBarsyshe, B.D., & Ramsey, E. (1989). A developmental perspective on antisocial behavior. American Psychologist, 44, 329-335]

 Children are among the greatest hypocrisy detectors in the world. When they witness and experience a discrepancy between what they are taught by Christ and His Church and what is practiced in the Domestic Church the consequences are spiritually and morally devastating. The disconnect is immediately seen. The childrens faith in the credibility of the Christian understanding of husband-wife, father- mother, family life and/or the moral authority of Christ and the message of His Church is shattered. Contemplate Our Lords dire warning: "Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung round his neck and he were thrown into the sea." (Mk 9:42).

 Shaping is defined as the rewarding of successive approximations of the correct response. I purposely used the example of the milk glass and the plate above. It is an example almost every parent will recognize because it is frequently in such a situation that parents first encounter this problem. Invariably, most children place their milk glass at the very edge of the table next to their plates. Invariably children fidget, twist, and swing around with body and arms. Invariably the milk glass is hit and the milk spills all over. Sometimes I almost think there has been more milk spilt than has gone into their childrens little bellies.

 Consistency means applying these techniques as close to 100% of the time as humanly possible. In clinical-pastoral settings, in order to make the point of how important consistency is, I will sometimes rather dramatically say to parents: "I dont want 95% consistency or 99.5 % consistency nor 99.9% consistency, but 100% consistency." Consistency is most important when learning new behaviors. It is also most important when dealing with problematic inappropriate behaviors. But individual differences in strength of appropriately-learned behavior are also very important and must be taken into account when applying the consistency tool.

 A favorable psychological or spiritual result can be brought about by acquiring the skill of assertiveness to communicate viewpoints and feelings. Assertiveness is defined as an honest and true communication of real feelings in a socially acceptable way. This definition has two qualifications: 1) The assertive utterance should be pleasant, or at least neutral, in tone of voice (also called pragmatics of speech); and 2) only delivered when pleasant or neutral communication fails to bring about the desired result. If this approach fails, only then should an escalation of words and increasing communication pragmatics (tone of voice, volume, pitch, etc.) be employed. For the Christian a third corollary applies: All assertive pragmatics must be done in the love of Christ which includes patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control - what is known in scriptural terminology as the "fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5: 22-23)" (Morelli, G. (2006c, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian Charity.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliAssertiveness.php.).

 The Problem: At times a family member, or even someone outside the family will stubbornly insist on his or her own viewpoint and be intent to prove the other wrong. It almost appears like warfare in which the insisting one will not back off until their spouse or child declares "unconditional surrender." Morelli, (2010a) discussed a very effective communication tool in dealing with such situations. It can be used in situations in which your point of view is rejected outright. It is called the disarming technique:

 After expressing your view to a person and it is rejected, disarming becomes a powerful way to deflect conflict. Basically it makes a neutral statement about the other individual‘s response. One does not have to agree to what was said and what you consider false, so truth as you see does not have to be compromised. This is especially important if the truth you expressed and that was rejected by another individual reflects the orthodox teaching of Christ and His Church. Some representative Disarming Responses: ―Hum! That‘s an idea;‖ ―That is one way of looking at it;‖ ―That‘s a possibility;‖ ―That‘s a point to consider.‖ If the person you are communicating with is a friend and you want to maintain the friendship and they keep pursuing the point a last effort communication might be: ―Well if we want to keep our friendship, we will just have to agree to disagree on this point.‖ [Morelli, G. (2010, April 09). The Disarming Technique. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-the-disarming- technique]

 With Godly insight into the problem of what we today are calling consistency, St. John Chrysostom, using the vocabulary of his day, warns parents about providing "external safeguards of wealth and fame", what we have been calling rewards, which shield them from "the winds." In the words of the golden-mouthed Saint: ―Dont surround them with the external safeguards of wealth and fame, for when these fail -- and they will fail -- our children will stand naked and defenseless (Morelli: never having learned responsibility), having gained no profit from their former prosperity, but only injury, since when those artificial protections that shielded them from the wind are removed they will be blown to the ground in a moment. Therefore wealth is a hindrance, because it leaves us unprepared for the hardships of life. So let us raise our children in such a way that they can face any trouble and not be surprised when difficulties come."

 Authoritarian Authoritative Neglectful Permissive Morelli, G. (2006, February 4). Smart Parenting Part II: Behavioral Management Techniques. www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting2.php. [Morelli, G. (2009, May 22). Smart Parenting XVI: Styles of Parenting http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/smart-parenting-xvi-styles-of-parenting ]

 This parenting style communicates and explains household rules to the child in a respectful and warm, but firm, tone. Often communicating the consequences of non-compliance is enough to influence behavior (Morelli, 2006). Research shows this to be the most effective parenting style (Baumrind, 1991). Parents who use the Authoritative Style set boundaries and even high standards for their children. However, these parents are less concerned with having obedient children as an entitlement of their parenthood, as they are with shaping the behavior of their children for the child‘s good and welfare. They are attentive to their child‘s point of view, but will then explain the reason for the family rules which have been set. Within the boundaries of the family rules which have been explained to the child, they encourage the child to make their own decisions, be autonomous, individualistic and independent. They are less likely to employ physical punishment, but are adept and skillful in applying rewards and punishments in a scientific (and spiritually sound [Baumrind, D. (1991). ―Parenting Styles and Adolescent Development,‖ in J. Brooks- Gunn, R. Lerner & A. C. Petersen (eds.), The Encyclopedia on Adolescence, 746–758. New York: Garland.]

 Ourperceptions or interpretations of events trigger our emotional responses and our subsequent behaviors Rational Perceptions: Functional emotions and behaviors Irrational Perceptions: Dysfunctional emotions and behaviors

 Christian parents must use the scientific understanding of human behavior in a synergia with authentic communion with Christ and His Church and the expression of genuine Christian love for their children.

 Selective Abstraction Arbitrary Inference Personalization Polarization Generalization Demanding Expectations Catastrophizing Emotional Reasoning Beck, J.S. (1995). Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. NY: Guilford; Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.; Morelli, G. (2006, March 25). Smart Parenting III: Developing Emotional Control.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting3.php.

 Selective abstraction is focusing on one event while excluding others. An example would be a parent that selectively focuses on a bad grade their child just received on their report card, while ignoring good grades in other subjects. This irrational perception might lead to anger or depression. Such a parent might lash out at the child instead of praising the child for the good grades the child received and coming up with a solution to improve the bad grade.

 Arbitraryinference is drawing a conclusion unwarranted by the facts in an ambiguous situation. A parent, in a situation similar to the one described above, might conclude the childs next grade report would continue to be unsatisfactory. This would lead to further anger and depression.

 Personalization is attributing an event that occurs in personal and subjective terms. For example, a father may become angry or depressed thinking that her child is deliberately getting bad grades to "get back at him." A typical statement that reveals personalization is taking place is, "why are you doing this to me?" The parent immediately personalizes the statement with no evidence that the child was deliberately trying to do this.

 Polarization is perceiving or interpreting events in all or nothing terms. A parent may become depressed after the child receives a B rather than A on the childs report card and feel that the child is a poor student. This parent polarizes events into two categories, in this case good student vs. bad student, and fails to see that all events can be graded on a continuum that extends beyond the two poles. On such a scale a B grade is closer to an A than to an F, for example

 Generalization is the tendency to see things in always or never categories. A parent becomes depressed when viewing their childs bad behavior. The parent irrationally concludes that the child will "never change and will always" be the same. The dysphoria may lead to a self defeating pattern of behavior which further distances the parent and her child thereby setting herself up for the very thing she did not want: a badly behaving child.

 Demanding Expectations are beliefs that there are laws or rules that have to be obeyed. For example, a parent may be depressed because his child talked back to him. They may (irrationally) believe that a universal law disallows the back talk and, once broken, allows the parent to become upset. The parent forgets that obedience cannot be coerced. Even God asks, rather than compels, us to obey Him; a contingency that exists because mankind is created free (another characteristic of man being created in the image and likeness of God, Morelli, 2006). [Morelli, G. (2006, March 6). Asceticism and Psychology in the Modern World. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliMonasticism.php]

 Catastrophizing is the perception that something is more than one hundred percent bad, terrible or awful. Citing the example above, a parent who reacts to her sons talking back as if its the end of the world falls into catastrophic thinking. The response is usually an out of control anger.

 Emotional Reasoning is the judgment that feelings are facts. A parent may feel that her child does not like her. When she is asked how she knows this the response is usually that "my feelings are always right." She confuses the ‗reality‘ of her feelings with the tools needed to objectively prove a fact (which feelings are incapable of doing). An effective response that clarifies the distinction to a person bound to emotional reasoning is, "No matter how strongly some people felt at the world was flat, (before 1492 AD) the world was really round. ‗Feeling‘ that something is true does not mean that it ‗is‘ true.

 Once parents recognize their thinking is distorted (distorted cognitions) regarding their children, they have to change or restructure the irrational thinking. Three questions can be posed to help them change their thinking: • Where is the evidence? • Is there any other way of looking at it? • Is it as bad as it seems?

 A parent concludes (arbitrary inference) that after a bad grade their childs performance will never improve (generalization). Answering the three questions might help the parents come up with a more rational approach and be less angry or depressed. The parent might reason: ―True my child did get a poor grade, but with the teachers help and specific tutoring my child could improve and raise his grade. Another way of looking at it is I do not even know why the poor grade was earned. If I talk to the teacher and find out more, maybe we can find a solution to the problem. It is not as bad as it seemed a moment ago. I see I can do something about it.‖ Following this change in thinking (called: cognitive restructuring process), parents begin to feel less angry, anxious, and depressed. They become more behaviorally pro-active in dealing with their childs problem.

 Special considerations are necessary for demanding expectations and Catastrophizing occurs. Parents with demanding expectations frequently try to impose (sometimes forcibly) a personal set of rules on their children. Laws of nature like gravity are inviolate. God made the universe to function by these laws. Social laws and norms however, are of a different type. They implicitly recognize a persons capacity for freedom, particularly his volition in determining whether or not to obey them. Man cannot violate the natural laws like gravity, but he is free to disobey Gods commandments as well as social norms, laws, and family rules.

 Neither God nor Godly parents want these social rules to be disobeyed. The behavioral management techniques discussed above are intended to help parents teach their children to obey Gods commandments and the reasonable family rules set by parents. The recognition that obedience to the commandments of God as well as the reasonable norms of society cannot be coerced is not meant to diminish a persons responsibility toward them. Understanding that the expectation of obedience functions as a ‗preference‘ rather than a ‗demand‘ however, avoids the emotional overreactions triggered by Demanding Expectations and Catastrophizing.

 When the rich young man did not follow our Lords counsel, the Gospels do not report that Jesus displayed a "hot" emotion. If anything, the emotion of Jesus could be described as disappointed but "cool" (Matthew 19: 16-30). If this were a parenting situation, it would be an opportunity to use the previously discussed behavioral management tools.

A special cognitive technique has been shown to be effective with catastrophizing (Burns 1989, Morelli, 2004). (When actual trauma situations in a family occur frequently the priest or a mental health clinician will be involved; a situation addressed below.) The technique involves evaluating the situations on a zero to 100 scale, with zero being the most pleasant thing event that could imagined. Burns, D.D. (1989). The Feeling Good Handbook: Using the new mood therapy in everyday life. NY: William Morrow.

 Parents seldom have trouble imaging a very pleasant event (zero). Sitting on a sun drenched tropical beach is a typical image. They often need help however, imaging a worst event scenario (100) in graphic terms. Parents seldom have trouble imaging a very pleasant event (zero). They often need help however, imaging a worst event scenario (100) in graphic terms. In pastoral and clinical counseling I use of the example of the particularly horrifying death of a medical missionary in South East Asia several years ago to help parents create their Mental-Ruler. After starvation failed to kill the physician quickly, his captors placed chopsticks in his ears and hammered them in a little each day, until the chopsticks penetrated his brain, resulting in an agonizing death.

 Parents will frequently say the untimely death of their child is the most awful thing on earth. The word "death" is an abstract sanitized (and therefore useless) term.

 The priest should take care not to inadvertently endorse a catastrophic mental ruler appraisal. The loss of a child is a bad thing. Appropriate sorrow and grief is a natural and normal human reaction. Unless the type of death the child suffered reaches the 100 point on the "Mental Ruler Scale" however, it is less than the most terrible thing that could happen to a person. In the case of the death of a child the parish priest or clinician would usually be available to the family during this time. It is important to let the grieving process occur and allow the parents and loved ones to express their deep feelings. Pastoral or clinical intervention during this time would be highly inappropriate. Simply being in the presence of the grieving parents and family with compassionate love, support, and prayer, would be an appropriate application of Christs healing ministry. A priest may unintentionally say something like, "Oh! isnt it awful," or "Oh! How unbelievably terrible," thereby adding to the hurt of the grieving parent. An more appropriate response would be "I am sorry for your loss, may God have mercy on us, may your child be numbered among His loved ones," to avoid affirming and contributing to the Catastrophizing the parents display.

 Further, catastrophic evaluations frequently broadcast a lack of commitment to Christ. As true followers of Christ, Orthodox Christian parents must understanding that God who freely gives life also calls us all back to Him. No one has the right to even a single breath not to mention a set number of years of life.

 ―When I see Christians cry because their fathers passed away, I am upset, for they neither believe, nor understand that death is simply a journey to a life of another kind. Ageloglou, Priestmonk Christodoulos. (1998). Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain. Mt. Athos, Greece. Holy Mountain Press.

• Let us glorify and worship Jesus, the Word of God, Who, according to His love, came to save us by His cross, and is coming again to resurrect Adam‘s children in the great day when His majesty shall shine forth.

 All events, even tragic ones, have some meaning. God can make all things new - even out of the worst tragedies (Revelation 21:5). We have to trust in God and his purposes. It falls on the priest to use spiritual as well as psychological means to aid parents who are struggling with the meaning of the death of their child. For parents who are trying to master emotion management, prayer, selected spiritual reading, and the holy mysteries have to be the foundation of any psychological change. Parents are called to experience God in their hearts. If God indwells in us, all things are possible. The words of our Lord can motivate us to learn the sometimes difficult task of emotional control: "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).

 The Blessed Orthodox Marriage

 HUMAN LOVE IS INCORPORATED INTO THE KINGDOM OF GOD- DIVINE LOVE ST. CLEMENT OF ALEXANDRIA: ―HOUSE OF GOD‖: ―I AM IN THE MIDST OF THEM‖ [MT 18:20]

 MARRIAGE IS THE IMAGE OF GOD‘S FAITHFUL LOVE FOR ISRAEL THE CROWNING: JOY: THE COUPLE IN A SPIRIT OF LOVE IS UNITED FOR ETERNITY; TRANSFORM THEMSELVES INTO THE LIKENESS OF GOD BY EMMANUAL (GOD WITH US) [IS 7:14] ‗DANCE AROUND THE GOSPEL BOOK MARTYRDOM: ENORMOUS SELF SACRIFICE: THE COUPLE BECOME MARTYRS IN THEIR OWN RIGHT: KENOSIS-THE SELF EMPTYING CHRIST

 The Orthodox Wedding Ceremony. After praying that the servant and handmaiden be united by God, the priest continues: ―Unite them in one mind and one flesh, and grant them fair children for education in thy faith and fear [acknowledging the awesome, transcendent God].

 Bytheir marriage Orthodox couple is ordained so to speak or commissioned to create an Orthodox home and family (The Domestic Church). This is the vocation of Orthodox marriage.

 ‖. The existence of a ―home church‖ dating from Apostolic times comes right from St. Paul. In his instruction to the Romans (16:3,5) he says: ―Greet Prisca and Aquila, my fellow workers in Christ Jesus, … greet also the church in their house.‖ And to the Corinthians (16:19) he says: ―The churches of Asia send greetings. Aquila and Prisca, together with the church in their house, send you hearty greetings in the Lord. ―.

 Thisrequires that parents not only be hearers of the Word, but also doers of the Word. They must learn the way of God, particularly His design for marriage and family through study, prayer, being united to His Church through obedience, reception of its Holy Mysteries and practice of the spiritual life.

 Ideally, a true Orthodox Christian domestic church in our day should look like (but is not limited to) something like this: Jesus Christ is at the center or hub. Husbands, and wives, as such, and as fathers and mothers, should be the leaders of the "church at home" in Christs name. They should bless one another and their children, bless the food which is partaken, give thanksgiving for all that God has provided (house, furnishings, etc.), thank God for health and talents, and lead by the sanctity of their conduct as well as their words.

 No catechesis can take place without the full deployment of the Domestic Church. The Orthodox family home has to reflect in its entirety the teachings of Christ and the application of these teachings as understood by His Church in the world today. Formal parish catechetical lessons usually at best may last 45 minutes to 1 hour a week. The number of hours in an entire week is 168 hours. Considering of the importance of models in shaping behavior, how much impact can a 1 hour Church School have when it is not reflected in the family lifestyle during the other 167 hours comprising the week?

 It all begins with pre-marital counseling Evaluation of • Commitment • Loyalty • Moral values • Sexual intimacy • Importance of the God, the teachings of Christ and His Church • Romance

• Companionship• Forgiveness• Trust• Respect• Sensitivity• Sex-Gender roles• Physical attractiveness• Sexual faithfulness• Faithfulness during times of trial and tribulations

 ―AsI turned my attention to the problems of couples, I found that they showed the same kind of thinking aberrations— cognitive distortions—as my depressed and anxious patients…they were unhappy, tense and angry…they tended to fixate on what was wrong with their marriages and disregard—or blind themselves to—what was good.‖ Beck, A.T. (1988). Love is Never Enough. NY: Harper & Rowe

 Romantic Love Togetherness Romantic Fulfillment Fear of Being Alone Rejection Phobia Inclusion Trapped Perfectionism Disapproval

 Permission Seeking Domination/Submission Pleasing Others Anti-Negotiation ENTITLEMENT RECIPROCITY NAGGING Help Addiction Superman/Superwoman

 Achievement Romantic Personalization Parental Personalization Conflict Phobia Justice Coercion Hopelessness/Helplessness Ultimatum Disclosure Demand

 Truth Sameness Disclosure Phobia Mind-Reading

THE UNHOLY TRINITY: • ENTITLEMENT • RECIPROCITY • NAGGING

 You feel you deserve love, happiness, respect, because of your ―title‖ (mother- father/husband-wife) and when people do not live up to your expectations you have the right to feel angry and taken advantage of. Antidote: Preferences based on love and people‘s freedom

 You feel you have the right to have others do for you if you have done something for them even if they never agreed or even knew about it ---a unilateral contract Antidote: be upfront tell people what you want if you want them to do something for you before you do something

 You feel expressing persistent reminders is the best way to get others to do what you want – people in order to maintain control over their lives will frequently do the opposite of what you want Antidote: After a single preplanned cue, giving people freedom to be part of the decision making process regarding their own behavior.

 The "Preference Scale" is a tool I developed years ago in my clinical and pastoral practice to help couples negotiate the conflicts and collaborate on the problems that marriage inevitably imposes. This tool can foster effective communication and eventual compromise between husband and wife. The clinician, chaplain, or pastor can help a couple master the tool, particularly in terms of "debriefing," where the couple develops a deeper understanding of previous conflicts that helps them learn how to handle future conflicts in more constructive ways.

 The scale runs from +10 down to -10: +10 +9 +8 +7 +6 +5 +4 +3 +2 +1 [0] -1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10 On the plus side of the scale activities or events that a spouse likes are rated; the greater the like, the higher the positive number. On the minus side activities or events that are disliked are rated; the greater the dislike, the higher the negative number. Morelli, G. (2007, June 5). Good Marriage IV: The "Preference Scale" - A tool . for Communication, Negotiation and Collaboration. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageIV.php

 Staying focused involves each spouse understanding the core view or the other and not focusing on tangential issues. Case Study Presenting Problem: • Several years ago I counseled a couple that was unhappy, particularly the wife who initiated the counseling. She described the source of the unhappiness in her marriage as her "husbands obsession with golf." She indicated that he played golf every chance he got and that when he got home he was so tired he had no energy for anything else. She "hated" his golf friends and blamed them for her husbands "obsession."

 In many marriages, the targets of this type of mis- focus include, friends, family, work, recreational activities, even church. This is not to say that these areas may not be a problem. For example, if a husband has a friend who influences him to frequent an adult lounge after work, his wife would correctly assess that this is not an appropriate friendship for her husband in terms of strengthening their marital bond. The moral orientation of this friend is a large problem, so much so that the friend would be seriously detrimental to a marriage in Christ. The wife would deal with this problem in terms of the debasing nature of the entertainment, as well as the detrimental influence of the friend on her husband. In situations other than these however, it is important to communicate only her real needs or desires in their relationship.

 If a couple really believes that love is no more than experiencing their love initial attractions over and over again, then when those feelings subside (and they will), they tend to believe that the value of their marriage has declined as well. When the idea takes hold, the couple becomes susceptible to feelings that undermine deeper commitment. Disappointment ensues, and the couple may find it increasingly difficult to enjoy activities together. Sometimes anger arises leading to more conflict and even greater disappointment. Sooner or later one or both of the spouses concludes that the love is gone and the marriage is over. Researcher Aaron Beck (1988) described this corruptive cycle: ―There are several kinds of expectations that operate at different stages of a marriage. The early, romantic expectations concern loving and being loved -- continuously. One of lifes cruel deceptions is the myth that the intense idealization and infatuation that draw a couple together will guarantee a loving relationship over the years.‖

 In some marital relationships, however, togetherness is not defined as a union of one flesh in Christ. Instead, the partners believe that marital happiness and satisfaction are acquired through an "incestuous sameness" They believe that a marriage flourishes and that a sense of personal worth and values occurs only through experiencing an intense love by their partner of their identical interests, enjoyments, and pursuits. They have in mind not just an ordinary caring and love, but a notion of caring, affection and togetherness that has a desperate character to it.

 Alongside this view of "desperate caring" is the belief that being alone is distressing, deficient, unfavorable and fearful (phobia). Persons holding such conceptions and experiencing the accompanying emotions play a game with those around them. If they think their spouse has intense love for them and shares their interests, they are happy. If they think their spouses love is not intense enough or has different interests, they view themselves as not worthwhile. Feelings of self-worth sail back and forth. They want the marriage to continue because being alone engenders anxiety and fear. Activities in marriage involve collaboration. Antidote: Restructured Cognition: ―It would be nice if my spouse enjoyed a particular activity, but I can still enjoy myself without my spouses participation."

 An individual with rejection phobia would likely feel that because they were rejected in some way by their spouse they were personally defective. This dysfunctional attitude is frequently accompanied by the perception that if they are rejected by their spouse, they will also be rejected by other significant persons in their lives, or by others that could be significant to them in the future. This perception is unrealistic, and is actually based on several cognitive distortions. These cognitive errors often lead to further emotional problems such as anger, anxiety and or depression, which can contribute to further martial dysfunction. Antidote: Recognition of faulty thinking. There is no verified information about what others are thinking or feeling. Some may find him or her very worthy.

 A reaction of the spouse who demands Desperate Togetherness. The husband (or wife) feels trapped; the partner is manipulating and controlling them in ways that prevent him from freely giving their love to each other. There is a feeling that they must be available whenever their spouse wants. Spousal obligations are not met. Both may feel victimized and trapped. The spouse who feels trapped in a definition of love imposed by the spouse experiences feelings of deprivation and oppression.

 The trapped spouse might mention feeling like a "prison inmate" in this way: "You know when you tell me I dont love you unless I do something your way (then give a behavioral example), I feel trapped. I love you and sometimes I want to be able to express and show you in ways I really feel. I want to show you I love you in ways and at the times you want me to, but I feel imprisoned when you expect and demand me to do it all the time. Maybe we can talk about how to share our love expressions, and the times we spend together in ways that fit both our desires."

 DISTINGUISHING ―BEING PERFECT‖ FROM ―PERFECTIONISM‖: The holy spiritual Fathers of the Church were focused on perfection. This is so well illustrated in the subtitle of Book I of St. Gregory of Nyssas Life of Moses (1978). The subtitle of Book I is: "Concerning the Perfection In Virtue." Christian perfection is not limited to the individual and their relation to God and neighbor but to the marital relationship itself. One of the petitions of the opening Ektenia or litany of the Betrothal Service prays "[God] will send down upon them perfect and peaceful love, and His help, let us pray to the Lord."

 ―Perfectionism" is viewed as a cognitive-emotional aberration by mental health clinicians and researchers. The Holy Church Fathers were realistic in their understanding of Christs words. For the Church Fathers, the human element must be taken into account. God is infinite and humans are finite. God is boundless and endless, humans are always in process. Human existence will always be the ascent of a ladder, an ascent that never reaches the top. Bishop Hilarion Alfeyev tells us: "..this ascent is endless, as its aim is the unbounded God.." quoting St. Isaac: "The limit of this journey is so truly unattainable that even the saints are found wanting with respect to the perfection of wisdom, because there is no end to wisdoms journey. Wisdom ascends even till this : until she unites with God ... And this is the sign that the insights of wisdom have no limit: that wisdom is God Himself.‖ Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion. (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.

 It is in this spirit of understanding that the expectations in marriage, both of oneself as a spouse and of the spousal behavior of the other, should be formed. It is important to keep in mind and to apply this marital ektenia petition of St. John of the Ladder, (1982) who said: "Love, by its nature, is a resemblance to God, insofar as this is humanly possible" [emphasis mine]. We have to remember we are human. This is not to condone or justify any personal or marital wrong. It is to focus on the good will, intention and striving for perfection in marriage. A perfect and peaceful love in marriage would conform to St. Pauls so well known description of love as he told the Corinthians: "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; (1 Cor 13: 4-8).

 The range in which to practice imperfection tolerance is in the -1 to -5 range. Behaviors or performances below this range -6 to -10 are possibly serious problems that should be dealt with by more invasive psychological procedures . Examples of behaviors most often reported by couples that are most amenable to intervention developing imperfection tolerance in the -1 to -5 range usually involve typical everyday differences in lifestyle and behavior in marriages that all spouses confront: leaving dirty dishes in the sink, dropping laundry on the floor, leaving the toothpaste tube uncapped, over or undercooking a dinner dish, missing an appointment, being late from work or chore, forgetting a birthday or other celebration, forgetting to pick up an item in the store, etc.

 Some behaviors are beyond imperfection tolerance. These behaviors would rate in the extreme minus range. All have to be dealt with immediately, firmly and with interventions appropriate to the seriousness of the behavior. Adultery would be an example of a behavior that is not to be tolerated and requires immediate spiritual and psychological intervention. Consultation with ones spiritual father or mother, parish priest and scientifically trained and licensed mental health practitioner is necessary. Prayer and the Holy Mysteries of the Church will be the foundation of any spiritual intervention.

 There is another category of spousal behaviors that is beyond imperfection tolerance. These behaviors fall into the category of extreme abuse. This abuse behavior is seriously sinful and immoral and would certainly be considered illegal in most Western governmental jurisdictions. Abuse falls into four categories: Physical, (hitting, battering, spanking, etc.); Sexual, (forcible intercourse, inappropriate touching, glancing, language etc.); Psychological (calling someone by demeaning terms "You idiot, looser" [actually mild, often far worse words or phrases); Neglect (legally denying food, shelter, education, or necessary care).

 Immediate protection from the abuse must be enacted. This may mean physical separation. All laws relating to abuse must be followed, including reporting to the proper law enforcement agencies. As some of these extreme abuse behaviors are illegal, it should be noted arrest and incarceration of the abuser after juridical procedures would result. Medical and psychological treatment should be considered and employed as appropriate. Medical and psychological consultation is a necessity in such circumstances. [Morelli, G. (2005c, December, 04) Abuse: Some Pastoral and Clinical Considerations.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliAbuse.php.]

 A priest may be a mandatory reporter in some jurisdictions (The Seal of Confession is excluded) If an abuser approaches the priest for the Holy Mystery of Confession. Sometimes it can be anticipated what the person is about to say. Many times others in a parish may know something and word has gotten back to the priest hinting at some serious family trouble. Often a priest can "intuit" the problem through the spiritual gift of discernment. In such a case I would inform the alleged abuser you cannot hear his/her confession at this time. The upcoming discussion will not be a confession (thus not under the seal) on a given disclosure. If it can be sensed by the priest that abuse is occurring. All mandatory reporting laws have to be followed.

If the abuser comes to the priest, the priest must attempt to convince the abuser to accept the fact that they have as serious problem and must seek the help that is needed and if illegal activity is occurring to report to the legal authorities. Clergy also have to do all they can to intervene to protect potential victims. This may include referral to appropriate emergency psychological care. In the most serious cases such as a credible death threat, an immediate call to police and/or emergency services would be warranted.

 Bad self-esteem is a type of narcissism (or self worship). St. Paul told the Philippians: "Do nothing from selfishness or conceit, but in humility count others better than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4). The Church Fathers warn against the bad self-esteem using the Greek term kenodoxia where keno means esteem that is empty, vain, hollow, groundless, deluded and doxa means glory, praise.

 ―Self-esteem" means a true and honest appraisal of both ones strengths and weaknesses, particularly in reality-based therapies. We see here an inversion of meaning where good self-esteem is close to the patristic definition of humility. St. Peter of Damaskos taught that, "The humble person must possess every virtue...the signs of humility: when one possessing every virtue of body and soul, to consider oneself to be the more a debtor to God ... because one has received so much by grace." Centuries earlier, St. Isaac the Syrian wrote: "The person who has attained to knowledge of his own weakness has reached the summit of humility" [Brock, S. (1997). (Trans.). The Wisdom of Saint Isaac the Syrian. Fairacres Oxford, England: SLG Press, Convent of the Incarnation; Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1986). The Philokalia, Volume 3: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber.]

 In terms of the marital (or any) relationship, continuously changing ones self- appraisal (whether virtuous or weak) based on the opinion of others leads to grave instability. It leaves a person with so sense of grounding and stability and makes him vulnerable to manipulation by others. It can lead to a subservience to others that allow a person to be controlled in ways that lead to inappropriate and even sinful behaviors. When a person has a recurring pattern of adopting the opinions of others in their evaluation of himself, depression and loss of self-respect are frequently the result.

 One characteristic of individuals who have an exaggerated need for approval is evaluation sensitivity. They are constantly monitoring the speech, speech pragmatics and body language of their spouses (or others around them) for either their approval or disapproval.

 One can commence a questioning process as to whether the approval of ones spouse is of absolute necessity. This is an important question. It really means asking if it is necessary for life itself, like the critical necessity of air to sustain life. One way of preparing an answer is to pose the question: ―How did you think and feel about yourself before you knew your spouse?‖ Most individuals would answer that they did at some point not see the approval of their significant other as critical in this sense. They were living life without spousal approval. On the other hand, at no point were they living without breathing air. Thus, while spousal approval may be desirable, it is not absolutely necessary.

 It is important to recall our Lords words: "How can you believe, who receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?" (John 5: 44). Our holy spiritual fathers of the Church did not use the words "approval" or "recognition" but rather termed it philodoxia or love of praise, warning against it as a spiritual danger. St. Theodoros the Great Ascetic taught: "...love of praise banish[es] remembrance of God from the soul. ..And when remembrance of God is absent, there is a tumult of the passions within us" [Philokalia II]The good saint said that from love of praise would arise a "great swarm of all manner of evil." It influences our moral judgment which involves "scrupulous discrimination between good and evil; and this involves sound moral judgment."

 We must continually reorient our life goals in terms of the one and only real necessity. St. Paul told the Romans what this is: "To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans 8:6). It is the Spirit that is necessary for life, not approval from others, not even from one‘s spouse. Rather, the spouses must seek the Spirit together as one flesh. To accomplish this they have to adopt the mind of doing things as "as one flesh;" so that by glorifying and praising God together, in turn His grace will fall on them as "united in one flesh," not in competition with each other, but in blessed union. The good race St. Paul spoke of is not only a sprint run by the solitary runner, but also the relay race of marriage. In this way both, in union with each other, achieve esteem in Christ.

 Cognitive clinical-psychologist Albert Ellis (1962) considered this "need" as one of the major "irrational beliefs triggering emotional dysfunction," he discovered in his clinical research. He defined this irrational cognition as: "The idea that one should be dependent on others and needs someone stronger than oneself on whom to rely." Ellis pointed out "freedom and independence are endorsed in our society." This kind of psychological reliance on another person as an absolute support is considered far off from what is true and necessary for a stable and healthy self-identity. While inter- cooperation and collaboration between people in our complex society facilitates functioning like communication, the production of good and services, transportation, and so forth, it is irrational to maximize this interdependency by forfeiting to others the choices that are properly befitting to oneself. [Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.]

 At first glance it may appear that the holy Spiritual Fathers of the Church have little to say on overdependency -- an important constituent in marital discord discovered by researchers studying the interpersonal dynamics of marriage. A closer look at the teachings of the Fathers however, reveals deep intuitions about human nature and relationships that penetrate this type of marital dysfunction. For example, St. Thalassios told us: "Our Lord Jesus has given light to all men, but those who do not trust in Him bring darkness upon themselves" [Philokalia II]

 People with overdependency feel anxious and nervous about making decisions on their own. They feel safe when others make decisions for them. Behaviorally they appear helpless and submissive. Spouses with overdependency frequently ask their partner for reassurance regarding the choices they are making about current actions and possible future goals. Frequently they feel more secure following their partners choices than any they could make on their own and can include every day activities such as recreation and meals or life goals such as occupation and employment. This could be viewed as living in "darkness,‖ as St. Thalassios told us.

 Cognitive Restructuring: The dependent spouse may ask himself for "proof or evidence" of this irrational need. Alternatives may be explored. In this case, asking themselves (aided by a licensed, trained mental health practitioner if necessary): "Was there ever a time in which you were not with your spouse and made your own decision about something?" can be helpful. I have found that patients will first focus on some poor decisions they made in the past, but with persistence a great number of good decisions can be uncovered. Then, clinically - or pastorally - I ask the patient what they can learn from this new information and interpretation.

 Dependency is a characteristic of children. Independence (conforming to Gods Will) is a characteristic of Christian adulthood. This echoes the observation by St. Paul: "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways" (1 Cor. 13: 11). St. John of the Ladder: On Unmanly Fears Step 21 of the Ladder of Divine Ascent, is titled: On Unmanly Cowardness. He describes " ... a childish behavior within a soul advanced in years ... it is a lapse from faith that comes from anticipating the unexpected." The inspired Holy Father pointed out "(F)ear is danger tasted in advance, a quiver as the heart takes fright before unnamed calamity. Fear is a loss of assurance." We will all go before the "dread judgment seat of Christ" as individuals. Our accountability before Christ is an individual accountability. As St. Paul taught: "So each of us shall give account of himself to God" (Romans 14:12). I cannot imagine Our Lord being pleased with an overdependent spouse going before Him and saying "I couldnt decide for myself which was good or bad, right or wrong, I was afraid to make my own decisions so I let my husband (wife) make my decisions for me."

 Some married couples feel their spouse should spontaneously know and sense what they want and/or need. They may feel that to have to communicate is a sign of a lack of love. In fact it is quite the opposite — not communicating broadcasts a lack of love. In the example of Our Lord, early in his ministry he spoke in parables to those who were "hard of heart." St. Luke comments on the reason why Jesus did not speak, that is, communicate clearly: "But they did not understand this saying, and it was concealed from them, that they should not perceive it…" (Lk 9: 45). But for those whom He loves, because they love Him Jesus says: "…the hour is coming when I shall no longer speak to you in figures but tell you plainly of the Father" (Jn 16: 25).

 A wife may tell her husband, "I want you to be a better husband." Or she may say, "I want you to pay more attention to me." Alternatively, a husband may say to his wife: "I wish you would be more caring," or "I sure wish you would be a better housekeeper." These are abstract, meaningless requests (similar to how Jesus spoke "in figures" to those who did not love Him). Abstraction is the mother of ambiguity, which in turn is the mother of multiple interpretations, which in turn is the mother of discord. They keep hurling the abstract words back and forth at each other. Couples who find themselves in "abstract" (or no) communication often come to perceive the other as selfish and even evil. The misunderstood spouse tends to feel angry, deprived, depressed and or frustrated. Sometimes labeling, or name- calling arguments follow. Alternatively stonewalling, shutting the other out, then a veritable marital cold war ensues.

 Behavioral Pinpointing: In the above example, in place of the abstract communication, the wife might say to her husband, "Charlie, I would like to spend at least a half hour before bedtime with you each evening alone together, and just talk and hold each other. This would allow us to share what happened during our day. I would feel much closer to you." "Joe, you are off every other Saturday and sometimes just tinker around the house, I would love to have a Saturday lunch with you for a couple hours and do something together." A pinpointed statement the husband may say to his wife: "Sally, Ill empty the dishwasher and put away the dishes every evening, I really dont like dishes piling up in the sink. I would really appreciate if you would rinse them and put them in the dishwasher right after dinner. Unwashed dishes breed germs and that is a real turnoff."

 The married should be advised that they endure with mutual patience those things that bring displeasure and that they exhort [negotiate] one another to salvation. For it is written" "Mutually bear one anothers burdens and you will fulfill the law of Christ." [Gal 6:2]. For the law of Christ is charity…Therefore, by imitation, we complete the law of Christ when we kindly confer good things to others and sustain the evil actions of others. For the married should be advised, then, they not worry themselves so much on what they must endure from their spouse but consider what their spouse must endure on account of them. [St. Gregory the Great. (2007). The Book of Pastoral Rule. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimirs Seminary Press.]

 For Orthodox Christians, help is a problematic concept. As an abstract construct help is ambiguous and open to multiple interpretations. The American Heritage Dictionary (1994) defines help as "to give assistance to." This definition lacks, however, an interpretation of the effect of help on others, as well as the motive for giving assistance, to name two important criteria. The scriptural, patristic and spiritual dimensions of help, offering a rich matrix for behavioral evaluation. Consider some examples of what has been called help that may occur in family situations.

 Example I. A newborn infant has soiled itself and the babys parents help by changing the dirty diaper and cleaning their infant. Example II. A real help problem brought to me in counseling several years ago: A physically and psychologically healthy 7- year old is helped by his mother to wipe himself after toileting.

 Example I. A 2-year old is thirsty and asks his mothers help to get him some juice from the top shelf of the refrigerator which is out of his reach. Example II. Another veridical family interaction: A mother, 16-year old son and 13-year old daughter are in the upstairs family room watching television. The daughter asks her mother: "what snacks are in the kitchen cabinet?" The mother helps by going down and reporting back to her daughter. The teenage girl then tells her mother which snack she wants and her mother goes back to the kitchen to retrieve the snack she wants and brings it back to her daughter.

 Example I. A working couple has a school-age child who needs a ride home after a school event. The childs mother is extremely stressed and tired after a grueling day at work. She would have to go out of her way and be stuck in traffic to pick their child up. The father, who had the day off, is quite relaxed sitting around the house and playing videos. The wife calls her husband and asks him to pick up their son. Example II. A working couple has a school-age child who needs a ride home after a school event. The childs mother is extremely stressed after a grueling day at work. The father had the day off, is quite relaxed sitting around the house and is playing videos. She thinks calling her husband would be inappropriate. He would be displeased and she would not be fulfilling her obligation as wife and mother. Tired and stressed as she is, she heads toward the childs school, in traffic jams, for the pickup.

A husband helping his wife who is eager to learn household financing ‗herself‘ by doing all the domestic bookkeeping ‗himself.‘ A wife who insists on helping her husband, who really enjoys cooking, to help the marriage by ‗not‘ allowing him in the kitchen. A husband who helps his wife by picking out the clothes she buys and wears.

 Mindless helping broadcasts a psychological need to nurture. In part this may be related to a mindset of the spouse that unless helping they are not living up to their marital and/or parental obligations. This behavior takes on compulsive qualities so that if nurturing or giving care is impeded, anxiety, guilt or dejection is elicited. Each time mindless helping occurs the doers behavior is rewarded (negative reinforcement of inappropriate behavior) by the attenuated dysfunctional emotion. And the repetition of mindless helping behaviors strengthens the behaviors, thus making the inappropriate behavior more likely to occur in the future. On the other hand, the recipient of mindless helping is rewarded for dependency on others (Positive reinforcement of inappropriate behavior). Dependent individuals are also not provided with the opportunity to learn functional behaviors that they are capable of learning

 If it is for the good and welfare of self and others, physically, psychologically and spiritually, then it is Godly. If it brings about harm to self and others it is wrong and un-Godly. Spiritually, mindless helping stems from the passion of pride, a mistaken understanding of the virtue of love, and not recognizing that all family members have free will and thus have responsibility for their own lives. St. John of the Ladder (1982) tells us: "Pride is a denial of God, an invention of the devil, contempt for men…. The proud man [male and female] wants to be in charge of things." This is one of the features of mindless helping. One member of the domestic church, husband, wife, offspring , wants to be in charge of what they think the other should be doing or not doing.

 Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain describes the deleterious effect of mindless helping on contemporary youth: "In our days, many young people have a strange attitude: they want to study without attending school (they often participate in school strikes, etc.), they want to have good grades without studying hard, and they want their graduation diplomas brought to them at the cafeteria where they are sitting having fun." Such a situation could only occur if the students are rewarded for their laziness rather than held to account for their studies.

 ―Thejudgment of man is one thing; the judgment of God is another thing altogether‖ (St. Dorotheos of Gaza) [Wheeler, E.P. (1977). (ed., trans.), Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings (Cistercian Studies Series, No 33). Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.]

 Spouses that are overly judgmental often feel hurt or despondent when finding defects in their partners. They may lash our verbally and become blaming and accusatory in their interaction with their husband, wife or children. Frequently they also forget the words of Christ as recorded by St. Matthew (7:3): Why do you see the speck that is in your brothers eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?‖ This results in the perception of themselves as blameless and the perception of their spouses as malevolent and villainous. They frequently strike out with angry hurtful accusations and criticisms. Not only does this put a wedge in the marital relationship, but it misses the mark of acting in love and bringing peace in the marital (and parental) interrelationship

 A increasing spiraling cycle of judgment and anger blinds them to the irrationality of their demand for justice and it‘s spiritually damaging implications. They are inclined to tenaciously hold on to their perception of the lack of fairness and justice in the other‘s behavior and persistently hold on to view that their evaluation is the only correct judgment. They are inclined to always make sure all is humanly fair in the marital relationship and they have the right to be enforcers of this ‗fairness‘. Couples who hold on to the rigid inflexible stand that all aspects of their marriage be totally fair, go to extremes and demand exactitude in what the other does. Other destructive demanding attitudes and maladaptive behaviors occur, leading to marital discord often accompany the demand for human justice.

 In marital counseling: The wife had a ‗tit for tat‘ view of her husband‘s time. If a softball game lasted a specific amount of time, she demanded it was only fair that she have the exact same amount of ―free time‖ with her girl-friends to go shopping. If he came home from work 10 minutes late, she now also had the right to return from some appointment 10 minutes late herself. Couples with this dysfunctional belief do not see anything unreasonable in holding this attitude. In fact it is ―only fair.‖ The are entrenched in self-righteous vicious and rigid application of human justice.

 Demanding Expectations: Fairness is an absolute necessity: A belief there is a complete and unrestricted ―right‖ for a rigid fairness in social interactions, including their spouse, children family and others. Overvaluation: If their standard of human justice is not met by their loved ones, they view it as catastrophic, as if to say more than a 100% bad.

 Individuals who maintain these cognitive distortions must first see they are based on a system of self- created rules. There is no guarantee or universal law that the world will be fair and just and that their husband and/or wife, children and others will act in accordance with their own determination of what is justice. It behooves us to follow Godly rules for social order and conform to God‘s will to love Him and others for our salvation. But it is still our choice, mankind has free will and by cognitively restructuring our expectations from demands to preferences we are more likely to be emotionally stable and act in a Godly manner.

 The parable of the parable of the workers in the Vineyard (Matthew 20: 1-16) is an outstanding example of Our Lord Himself patently rejecting human justice.

 ―The reason why we have both good and wicked thoughts together is not, as some suppose, because the Holy Spirit and the devil dwell together in our intellect, but because we have not yet consciously experienced the goodness of the Lord‖ (Philokalia I). Our help in overcoming the imposition of our human justice standards on spouses and children and all, is to act in imitation of Christ Himself. To experience His goodness, we work at overcoming our self- centeredness, that is to say our pride. Once again, this not to advise or condone wrongdoing by others, but simply to recommend how we change our perception of the way we anticipate and require others to behave.

 The coercion perception stumbling block is the belief, attitude or cognition that if my spouse persistently insists or even recommends that I do something and I do it, this indicates that they are in command and control and I have lost out. If I should capitulate to my spouse‘s wishes this means I am worthless in some way. The only way to maintain my self-esteem and sense of self is to never do anything anyone tells me to do, that is to say, to do only what I have decided to do entirely on my own.

 Spiritually, this stonewalling of suggestions from one‘s spouse even when they could be helpful is succumbing to the passion of pride. St. Maximus the Confessor tells us: ―The passion of pride arises from two kinds of ignorance, and when these two kinds of ignorance unite together they form a single confused state of mind. For a man is proud only if he is ignorant both of divine help and of human weakness. Therefore pride is a lack of knowledge both in the divine and human spheres. For the denial of two true premises results in a single false affirmation‖ (Philokalia II).

 English language translations of word ―self-esteem‖ in the works of the holy Fathers of the Church such as in the Philokalia series, actually refers to what is understood as ‗narcissism‘ (a psychological concept.): ―A grandiose sense of self importance (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, lack of empathy…‖ [Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association . (1994) Washington DC.

 Godly "self-esteem" means a true and honest appraisal of both ones strengths and weaknesses. We see here an inversion of meaning where good self- esteem is close to the patristic definition of humility. English language translations of the works of the holy Fathers of the Church such as in the Philokalia series, it can be seen that it actually refers to what is understood as narcissism taught that, "… the signs of humility: when one possessing every virtue of body and soul, to consider oneself to be the more a debtor to God ... because one has received so much by grace" (Philokalia III). Centuries earlier St. Isaac the Syrian wrote: "The person who has attained to knowledge of his own weakness has reached the summit of humility." (Brock, 1997).

 ―I will do things because I make the choice to do them, not because someone, in this case my husband or wife, tells me or does not tell me. If it is good for me (especially Godly) then I will do it. My choice is independent of anyone else‘s perception. Just because someone thinks they are controlling me doesn‘t mean they are. God and I know the truth. I will consider what others say, but what they say will not be the basis of what I do or do not do.‖ Interactions between husband and wife will no longer be perceived as a ―battle of wills which someone has to win.‖ The husband or wife will consider each encounter they have with one another based on its own merits.

 Ultimatums are the result of the dysfunctional cognition known as Demanding Expectations: Beliefs that there are laws or rules that must be always obeyed. A spouses refusal to do their will makes them ―impossible to reason with.‖ They hold an irrational belief that there is a universal law that spouses, and or children, should always do what they tell them to do. And they better come through with a big ―proof‖ that the spouse-parent is appreciated. If others dont comply with their ultimatum, they consider that they have the right to get very upset. Setting ultimatums, by self-assured, peremptory declarative tone of voice and by assumption of unwarranted power, becomes a way of manipulating others to get one‘s own way.

 Avoiding the ultimatum manipulation does not apply in situations involving serious, ongoing and intractable moral issues or behavior patterns that are a clear and present danger to a spouse and/or family members. For example, in situations in which a spouse is living, and is committed to live, a polygamous- adulterous lifestyle (e.g., an open marriage), or in which a spouse who commits physical, sexual and/or psychological abuse as defined by law and does not commit to seeking immediate treatment; in such situations the spouses would be candidates to be given an ultimatum: begin immediate treatment or separation and, if appropriate, that legal action will be taken (as noted above).

 Moral lapses (such as adultery and substance abuse, etc.) require guidance and discernment. Such moral lapses do not have to result in termination of a marriage. Husbands and wives can learn from their failures and can even make their relationships stronger. They can work at demonstrating their re-commitment to one another. One way of accomplishing this would be for the spouse who was unfaithful to be completely open about the details of their daily lives and, in turn, for the aggrieved spouse to work at developing trust

 To restructure irrational cognitions into rational cognitions, the individuals issuing ultimatums might ask themselves: ―what law in the universe states that others will respond to their peremptory demands?‖ Careful reflection will reveal that no such ―law‖ exists—it is a ‗self-made law‘. Some may try to justify their demanding expectations because they perceive that they are entitled to hold them because of some ‗title‘ they have. But applying the same question to entitlement will reveal that there is no law in the universe that says people will comply with the title-holder because of their title.

 St. John of the Ladder tells us: ―Pride is denial of God, an invention of the devil, the despising of men...‖ He goes on to detail the application of pride when dealing with others, such as in making ultimatums. ―The consummation of vainglory is the beginning of pride; the middle is the humiliation of our neighbor [as used here: spouse-children], . . . the extolling of one‘s own exertions, fiendish character.‖ What better spiritual description of the person who uses ultimatum in manipulation of others, which I described previously as ―magisterial,‖ than St. John‘s observation that ―An arrogant man yearns after authority.‖

 St Isaac of Syria speaks of humility as ―. . . the raiment of the Godhead. The Word who became human clothed Himself in it... Everyone who has been clothed with humility has been made like unto Him who came down from His own exaltedness and hid the splendor of His majesty and concealed His glory with humility...‖ Archbishop Hilarion Alfeyev (2000) informs us how we can put this into practice, that is to say, the way to attain it: ―Humility is primarily an inner quality. It consists in trust in God, absence of hope in one‘s self, the sense of one‘s own unworthiness and defenselessness . . .in the depths of the heart . . . it [also] reveals itself outwardly . . .in giving honor to others [and] enduring offenses and afflictions.‖ For those who issue ultimatums to their loved ones, interiorizing humility into their hearts and then practicing humility in their thoughts, words and deeds toward others would be a powerful spiritual treatment.

 Even a casual reading of Jesus‘ encounters with others in the Scriptures shows that He did not demand anyone disclose their thoughts and feelings to Him. We could say that He had respect for mankinds free will, for those creatures which He made in His image and called to be like Him. He would ask a question, but never demand an answer. He counseled, but never forced compliance. He read the hearts and minds of many, but never coerced anyone to tell Him what came from their heart, against their will.

 The rich young man (Mt 19: 16-22) The woman caught in adultery (Jn 8 1-11) The Samaritan woman (who spontaneously discloses her marital state) Jn 4: 17-19

 Compare the words and actions of Jesus to the dysfunctional demands some marital couples in troubled relationships make on each other. A husband or wife could hold to the attitude, ―If my spouse truly loves me, they would be willing to talk about most anything that bothers them." Or think over this non-adaptive belief: "If my husband, or wife, refuses to tell me what they are really feeling and thinking it shows they dont love and respect me." In many troubled marriages this attitudes is in the back of the mind of either (or both) husband and wife.

 "If you want, or rather intend, to take a splinter out of another person [in this case demanding disclosure], then do not hack at it with a stick instead of a lancet, for you will only drove it in deeper. And this is a stick — rude speech and rough gestures. And this is a lancet — tempered instructions and patient reprimand.― St. John of the Ladder

 When Abba Serapion was a young monk he would steal some extra food from the refectory table. He never disclosed this failure to his spiritual father, but more importantly, his Spiritual Father never confronted the young Abba and demanded disclosure of his stealing. However, the Elder communicated the importance of disclosure in a non-confrontational manner by allowing Abba Serapion to hear his conversation with some other monks. St. John Cassian recounts: "But through Gods love it happened that certain brethren came to the old man for advice and asked him about their thoughts. The elder replied that nothing so harms a monk and brings such joy to the demons as the hiding of ones thoughts from ones spiritual father. . . .As this was being said I came to myself. . . casting myself to the ground I begged his forgiveness for my past faults and his prayers for my future safety.― [Philokalia I]

 Disclosure can be appropriate and useful. However, even in such situations the value and decision to disclose must be perceived by the disclosing individual. The spouse desiring such disclosure also has to overcome any disclosure demandingness as discussed above, psychologically preferring disclosure and spiritually celebrating their spouse‘s free will. This has to be communicated in a non-judgmental, inviting tone. Helping ones spouse in overcoming disclosure phobia would be greatly enhanced by interiorizing the words of St. Paul. "Put on then, as Gods chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience, forbearing one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive" (Colossians 3: 12-13). At times disclosure proceeds in small steps.

 Reflect on the Holy Spirit-inspired wisdom of St. John of Gaza (c. 525 AD). Chryssavgis 2003, records a question he entitles "On concealing truth partially" posed to the saint: "If I do something against my brother and he grieves upon hearing about it, is it perhaps a good thing to hide the truth from him in order to stop the grief? Or is it better to admit my fault and ask forgiveness?" The principles of St. John of Gazas answer can be applied to a wide variety of life circumstances. [Chryssavgis, J. (2003). Letters from the desert: Barsanuphius and John: A selection of questions and responses. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimirs Seminary Press.]

 If he has clearly learned about it, and you know that the matter will be examined and revealed, then tell him the truth and ask for his forgiveness. For lying will only further provoke him. However, if he has not learned about it and will not examine the matter, then it is not improper to keep silent and not give occasion to grief. For when the Prophet Samuel was sent to anoint David as king, he was also going to offer sacrifice to God. Yet, because he was afraid lest Saul learn about this, God said to him: "Take a heifer with you; and if the king asks you: Why did you come here? tell him: I have come to sacrifice to the Lord" (1Sam 16:2). In this way, by concealing one thing, which brought the wrath of the king, he only revealed the other. You too, then, should be silent about that which causes grief, and the problem will pass.

 Even our Holy Church Fathers have noted the healing value in disclosure (confession), and thus would promote overcoming any barriers to revealing ones heart or overcoming disclosure phobia. St. Isaac the Syrian, (Wensinck, 1923) encapsulates the benefits of disclosure: "The sick one who is acquainted with his sickness is easily cured; and he who confesses his pain is near to health. Many are the pains of the hard heart...."

 One benefit is that by sharing experiences, perceptions and feelings spouses can come to know one another better and reduce conflict. Through shared understanding of one another they may come to understand the viewpoint of the other. Each individual sees the world from their own perspective and many make the mistake of thinking others see the world the same way they do.

 Over the years, pastorally and clinically, I have observed that when individuals are upset about something, or about what someone around them has said or done, I have recommended that they just inform the other person of their unfavorable feelings about what the person said or did. At times the person being counseled will object saying, "what is the difference, they will do what they want to do anyhow." I point out, "this may be true, but try it out. Just expressing how you feel, at least you know that you have done what you can. It is now the other persons responsibility to respond." The overwhelming number of individuals I have counseled to simply perform this communication task, expecting nothing, experienced a calming effect on their own emotional state. Just expressing displeasure has an ameliorative effect. Interestingly, although not directly related to marital relationships, psychologists have found improved emotional states among individuals who have disclosed troubling events.

 In research initiated by James Pennebaker (1997, 2004). Subjects were engaged over a several day period in expressive writing exercises about traumatic or stressful incidents they had experienced. In the prototypic experiment subjects wrote 20 minutes a day over a four day period. The experimental group were instructed to write about their "deepest thoughts and feelings concerning trauma;" the other group were instructed to write about superficial topics. Pennebakers team found increased immune function in the experimental group (measuring blood T-lymphocytes which produce bacteria and virus fighting antibodies). The experimental subjects also had decreased visits to their local health care centers. Subsequent research by Pennebaker and his team has studied disclosure among various groups of subjects. [Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotion. NY :Guilford Press. Pennebaker, J. W. (2004). Writing to heal: A guided journal for recovering from trauma and emotional upheaval. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.]

 Pennebaker (1997) discusses spousal disclosure in terms of dealing with grief. He notes that "grieving styles‖ differ between husbands and wives, and when this takes place problems often arise. One "disclosing‖ spouse may be inclined to interpret the quiet spouse as uncaring or insensitive. On the other hand, the withdrawn spouse may feel his/her partner does not understand their intense emotions. This can be noted in the mindreading tendency in the Arbitrary Inference cognitive distortion noted above. The distortion challenging could be employed in aiding understanding of each other, both to avoid demanding disclosure and to facilitate willingness to share feelings.

 A spouse who has grown up in what might be termed a ―full disclosure‖ family, with the expectation and a practice of disclosure, can feel ―shut out‖ even ―emotionally abandoned‖ by the withdrawn spouse – feelings strong enough to carry them beyond the reasonableness of challenging cognitive distortions. A good pre-marital topic discussion.

 There is so much in the teachings of Christ and His Church, that if one is committed to be a follower of Christ that one of the major virtues that would be nurtured would be a firm commitment to truth. Consider the approbative words Jesus told the Samaritan woman: "But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for such the Father seeks to worship him." (Jn 4: 23) St. John (8: 22) records Jesus very strong assertion: "...you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."

 St. Maximus the Confessor (Philokalia II) regards truth as equivalent and linked to divine knowledge: "Truth is divine knowledge, and virtue the struggles for truth on the part of those who desire it." St. Maximus uses strong words to convey the ubiquity and demand character of truth. He tells us: "Real faith is truth which is all-embracing, all-sustaining and free from all falsehood." Furthermore, to emphasize being truthful St. Gregory of Sinai (Philokalia IV) points out it is not enough to study truth such as in an academic discipline one has to live it: ―To try to discover the meaning of the commandments through study and reading without actually living in accordance with them is like mistaking the shadow of something for it reality. It is only by participating in the truth that you can share in the meaning of truth.‖

 The marriage and family breaker is not truth itself however. It is how truth is insisted upon and forced on spouse or offspring. It is when truth is obnoxiously imposed on, that is to say, when it is arrogant and rude. It is the pragmatics of the communication interaction between husband, wife and children which is the family problem. It is the insistence that ones point of view is not only true, but must be adopted by the other, simply because it is true. It is offensively asserting on ones truth over the others viewpoint and demanding they acquiesce to your viewpoint. It is the continual demand that your spouse or children acknowledge your viewpoint and admit they were and are wrong. In disagreements, it is the attitude held is that your spouse and children should acknowledge and submit to truth as you see it.

 Research suggests that if something is said in an angry or mean tone, it is the tone rather than the words which carry the message. If a mothers "tone." is strident and angry for example, this is what her husband and children would hear. They most likely would respond emotionally, perhaps experience some anger, hurt or confusion, and would likely infer the mother was ‗mean.‘ They will likely close themselves off to any forthcoming messages. Interestingly, I have found the most consistent complaint children have about their parents is that they speak "meanly" to them. If the content of the truth one is insisting on is of a spiritual nature, ones opponent, spouse or child may in fact, stubbornly resist, simply to retain some sense of self-worth. I have previously emphasized that learning is much more effective when "discovered" by the learner than being forced by some "teacher."

 One of the descriptions of Pride given by St. John Climacus in his Ladder of Divine Ascent is that it is "the mother of condemnation [and] a source of anger." This is exactly what obnoxiously insisting on imposing ones truth on others is (even if correct according to Christs teaching). The seriousness of Pride, the passion that leads to insisting others conform to ones view point can be seen in this dramatic metaphor of St. John: "Pride is utter penury of soul, under the illusion of wealth, imagining light in its darkness. The foul passion not only blocks our advance, but even hurls us down from the heights."

 One method of effective communication is related to the psychological communication skill of assertiveness. (Morelli 2006). Assertiveness is defined as an honest communication of real feelings in a socially acceptable way; that is to say not mean-spirited, harsh, arrogant or rude. This means all assertive pragmatics imbibe the ethos "of the love of Christ which includes patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentlen ess, self-control - what is known in scriptural terminology as the "fruit of the Spirit" (Gal 5: 22- 23).―[Morelli, G. (2006, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian Charity.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-assertiveness-and-christian-charity.]

 One insight I had early on in my pastoral and clinical ministry is that the world always makes sense in some way to the person I was talking to. Their perspective many not be mine, but it made sense to the other. As a priest-psychologist I found it important to attempt to see the world as the other saw it, so I could understand their perspective.

 Trying out the others perspective is also related to the psychological process of empathy. Empathy can be described as thinking and feeling what the other is thinking and feeling. Being a member of a relational unit which emphasizing shared goals, objectiveness and cooperation and being of one mind should facilitate empathy. [Morelli, G. (2007, February 04). The Spiritual Roots of Altruism: The Good Samaritan.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-the-spiritual-roots-of-altruism-the-good- samaritan]

I previously discussed a very effective communication tool in dealing with conflict. It can be used in situations in which your point of view is rejected outright. It is called the disarming technique: After expressing your view to a person and it is rejected, disarming becomes a powerful way to deflect conflict. Basically disarming makes a neutral statement about the other individual‘s response.

 As simple as it sounds, in a communication impasse (especially within family and among friends), just suggesting to the other, a change in how to continue to relate to one another, a truce so to speak, may be an effective communication tool: "Look! We are all members of our family, we love one another, and should love one another. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree. You know, we all cant agree on everything, nor should we have too. I can love you even though you hold a different viewpoint than I do. The most important thing is for us is to accept that we have different views on this subject and move on." Psychologically at least there are no winners and no losers.

 Incontemporary American (and Western) secular society, humility is not a virtue, it is considered a vice and disability. Jesus beautiful words known as the Beatitudes in the Sermon on the Mount: "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." (Mt 5:5), would be re-phrased: Cursed are the meek, for they shall lose it all. Robert Greene (1998) would utter the motto of the proud in his 15th Law of Power: "Crush your enemy totally.― [Greene, R. (1998). The 48 laws of power. NY: Penguin]

 Jesus taught us just the opposite: "For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself." (Lk 9: 25). How apt for those who obnoxiously insist on imposing their viewpoint on family, friends and others to apply to themselves the Idiomela by St. John of Damascus sung during Funeral Service in the Eastern Church: I called to mind the Prophet, as he cried: I am earth and ashes; and I looked again into the graves and beheld the bones laid bare, and I said: Who then is the king or the warrior, the rich man or the needy, the upright or the sinner? Yet, o Lord, give rest unto thy servant with the righteous. St. Pauls instruction to St. Timothy should be the motto of a good, smart marriage in Christ: "And the Lords servant must not be quarrelsome but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher, forbearing …." (2Tim 2:24)

 In the decades since programs like The Simpsons and South Park started airing, and the proliferation of social media, like Facebook Ive noticed both in my pastoral ministry and clinical counseling an increase of crude language and crass & blatantly egregious behavior especially among young people. Its a troubling development because they make it even more difficult to teach our children the elementary rules of civil discourse. These rules function not only to prevent the debasement of society, but also to foster psychological stability in the child and most importantly Godly behavior.

 Offensive language includes cursing, swearing, and using profanity. Whether we like it or not, the words we use draw from deep places within us and shape the culture around us. The words we hear affects us psychologically (especially children), thus shaping how we think and act. Language is in part a broadcast of our psychosocial definition. It shapes how other people see us and how they think we see ourselves. Healthy social and personality development is assessed by how a person relates with others, and how emotional reactions that accompany these relationships are displayed (Cole, M. & Cole, S.R. (1996). The Development of Children (3rd ed.) NY: Freeman.).

 OConnor (2000) gives twenty-five reasons to stop cussing. He sorts them into three clusters: personal, corruption of the language, and societal effects. Personal reasons not to swear include: it makes a bad impression, is unpleasant to be around, endangers relationships, reduces respect, demonstrates loss of emotional control, signals a bad attitude and is a tool of whiners and complainers, discloses lack of character, is immature, reflects ignorance, and sets a bad example. Language corruption includes: abrasive and lazy word usage, unclear communication and lacking meaning, lacking imagination, has lost effectiveness, and "represents the numbing down of America." Societal effects of cussing include: declines civility, offends people, makes others uncomfortable, is disrespectful, starts arguments, is a sign of hostility, and can lead to violence. [OConner, J.V. (2000). Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing. NY: Three Rivers Press.]

 Who does not know the second commandment God gave to Moses: "You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain" (Exodus 20:7)? This is affirmed by St. Mark who quoted Jesus responding the question about what commandment is the greatest: "You shall love the Lord your God with all y our heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength" (Mark 12: 28-31). Finally St Paul exhorted us: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:28-30). While the twenty five reasons to stop cussing mentioned above dont reference these biblical exhortations, they nevertheless draw from the Christian moral tradition and are therefore relevant to the discussion. All of them function as a restraint against offence of the neighbor thereby affirming the Christian commandment to love the neighbor.

 Blasphemy is a form of cussing that is considered to be a very serious sin where words are used to curse God. St. Nikitas Stithatos wrote about the spiritual dangers: Blasphemy is a frightful passion, difficult to combat, for its origin lies in the arrogant mind of satan ... we must guard the senses with great diligence, and reverence all the awe-inspiring mysteries of God, the holy images and holy words, and watch out for the attacks of this spirit. ... when we are inattentive it discharges through our lips curses against ourselves and strange blasphemies against God the Most High. [Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1995). The Philokalia, Volume 4: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber]

 Cursing is another form of spiritual cussing that occurs when the heart is set completely against a person and words are used with the intent of bringing the fire of hell upon them. Cursing is a very serious offense. The writer of the book of Proverbs wrote: "If one curses his father or his mother, his lamp will be put out in utter darkness" (Proverbs 20:20). The book of Ecclesiastes warned both the curser and the one being cursed: "Do not give heed to all the things that men say, lest you hear your servant cursing you; your heart knows that many times you have yourself cursed others. All this I have tested by wisdom; I said, I will be wise; but it was far from me" (Ecclesiastes 7:21-23).

 The prohibition against cursing is so strong that Evagrius the Solitary said: "Try not to pray against anyone [cursing] in your prayer, so that you do not destroy what you are building, and make your prayer loathsome" [Philokalia I].

 St. Maximus the Confessor taught: "the grace of the most Holy Spirit does not confer wisdom on the Saints without their natural intellect as capacity to receive it." Goodness and wisdom is granted to man by his "volitive faculty, so that what He (Christ) is in His essence the creature may become by participation." [Philokalia II] A person should prepare himself, then, for the grace of goodness and wisdom by all means possible. Changing cussing behaviors is a good place to start. The first step is metanoia ( change of mind) built on both the twenty-five reasons to stop cussing listed above and the commandment to love God and neighbor. Apply them both and we discover the power to change this sin that has engrained itself through habit. Further, to change cussing behaviors a person has to develop emotional control

One of the best verbal substitutes I have heard was on TV when the judge commenting on someones obviously fabricated testimony said: "That is just bovine fecal matter." Thanks to OConnor (2000) here are some others: Nuts! Cripes! Criminey! Egad! Mercy! Holy cow! Darn it! Oh, boy! Another approach is to eliminate the "S" word altogether in sentences where it is not needed: "Who [the ... ]. knows?", "Who [the ... .] cares?", "Dont give me that [ ... .]", "She thinks shes hot [ ... .]". Some words according to OConnor work fine in themselves: dump, junk anything, pile, kidding, soiled, mean person, phony, bunk, guy-girl, stuff, act together, hit list, country boys, coronary, short, menial. In describing sensory reactions one can say: "This food tastes terrible", "This coat feels itchy". Substitutes can always be found. OConnor recommends finding a word that can always be a fall back when you disagree with something: bunk, baloney, or my brother Petes haghah.

 The "S" word is crude but the "F" word misses the mark even more. It is flat out sinful. This word defiles one of Gods greatest gifts to mankind: the ability to have pleasurable and life-creating sexual intercourse in a blessed and holy marriage (Morelli 2005). The "F" word rips all notions of decency, respect, and sacredness out of sexual intercourse and reduces it to animalistic rutting. It darkens the awareness that sexual intercourse is the means to love our neighbor, which in its proper moral context is only the spouse. The interpersonal and social impact of this word is reaches deep. [Morelli, G. (2005, July 19) Sex is Holy: Psycho-Spiritual Reflections in a Secular World .http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliSexIsHoly.php.]

 OConnor recommends substitute words for the "F" word that begin with the letter "f" because it is easier to catch yourself with a word starting with "f" than one beginning with the ending consonant "k." Starting points are: fudge, fiddlesticks and phooey. People get used to hearing you say these words while you become more comfortable using them. My own experience is that OConner is right on the mark. In fact, in my case any other type of substitute would sound like an atomic explosion. Other recommended words are: fool, meddle, interfere, fiddling, futzing, messing, fouled, botched, rui ned, wrecked, muddled, bleeping, and revolting. I do not recommend what OConnor calls euphemisms as everyone knows such words have come to mean the same thing as the "F" word. Among these are "effing," "fricking," and "frigging". In fact this latter word is in the American Heritage Dictionary and means "to have sexual intercourse with."

Some words are much more precise in communication and have the double effect of increasing meaningful vocabulary. A sample of words falling into this category are: odious, detestable, contemptible, despicabl e, atrocious, appalling, outlandish, trashy, s hoddy, sleazy, sinister, diabolical, villainous , dilapidated, vile, heinous, and abhorrent.

 Use communicative sentences that are less crass, cruel and abrasive. Two examples include: Avoid: "When the "F" do you expect me to do this? Substitute: "Ill try and stay late and get this done." Avoid: "Its not my "F" problem." Substitute: "I wasnt involved in that project."

 St. Paisios of the Holy Mountain: He only said the good things in life and he was blind to every evil. The elder said; "I know from experience people are divided into two categories ... The first resembles the fly. The fly is attracted to dirt ... when a fly is found in a garden full of flowers with beautiful fragrances; it will ignore them and will sit on top of some dirt. People belonging to this category always look to bad things in life and refuse the presence of the good. The other category is like the bee whose main characteristic is to always look for something sweet and nice to sit on. The second category of people ... sees only the good side of things. They always try to cover up the evil to protect their fellow man."

 Parents and all people who deal with children must model Christ in their own lives. Orthodox parents in particular must create an "Orthodox Family Culture" where all family activity and behavior are permeated with Orthodox teaching and practice. This exhortation is so important that a couple hears it during their wedding service long before the children even arrive: "Unite them in one mind and one flesh, and grant them fair children for education in thy faith and fear."

 Proper monitoring of the media allowed into the home. Regulate the media because it is one of the greatest purveyors of cussing (& other immoral practices) in the larger culture. Ask children how a program fits with something Jesus has taught. The parent may find a scripture passage or a catechism answer and ask their children what they think about it versus the program content. Children may be able to state on their own the reasons why some images and words are wrong. This will be more meaningful to children than parental "preaching." Parental discussion can then follow up by emphasizing such virtues as respect for ones self and others as well as the true honor due to God. Consider making joint decisions about which shows to watch, games to play or internet sites to visit.

 If children oppose the parents and insist on viewing objectionable programming, they can be told with soft but firm tone that we "all follow Gods rules in this house" Rules should be set and enforced with love rather than rigid authoritarianism since authoritarian parenting styles foster anger and rebellion in children Two scripture verses can guide the parents: 1) "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4); and 2) "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). Use occasions when the media has to be regulated as opportunities for discussion. Make sure your child understands the reasons for your decision. Explain the reasons in age appropriate ways as soon as you make them because that is when dialogue can be most effective. If the child is upset or angry, allow him to cool off and discuss it later.

 Neitherdo I condemn you; go, and do not sin again (John 6:11).

A couple years ago the star of a well known Nickelodeon program got pregnant outside marriage. What makes this distressing to parents and confusing to their children is that the star played the role of a "moral heroine" on the show. She talked about sex in the context of committed relationships and marriage. She dealt assertively with peers who wanted her to try alcohol, drugs and the like. She was described as "standing up for her beliefs."

 Talking with children does not mean preaching. Adults can be preached to. Children have to discover for themselves. The best way to talk with children is to first ask them how they feel about the topic. Then see if they can make the connection to Our Lords life and teachings. The English word "education" is derived from the Latin word "educare" which means "to draw out." Parents may have to help draw out these connections. Below are some discussion points in question format with sample answers that I think may be helpful. Let me emphasize once again: Adults LOVE to preach. Dont preach to your child. Discuss the questions if you want the child to learn.

 The discussion should focus on the love God has for us and the love husband (father) and wife (mother) have for each other in a God-blessed committed relationship (sacramental marriage). Parents should focus on this "as the same love we have for you as our children"

 The discussion should focus on the holiness of sex, its part in Gods creation Example questions: • Who created us? (God.) • Who does God get to help him? (Mommies and daddies. Older children may want to discuss the physiology involved, parents should be un-anxiously straightforward and choose age-appropriate terms etc.) • How does He choose them? (He blesses their marriage.)

 The theme of this discussion is that since the fall of our first parents, we are inclined to do what we want and not what God wants. God loves us and if we love Him we want to do what He wants, (follow His will). Example questions: • Have you ever done anything wrong? • If you have done wrong what can you do? (Answers: ask forgiveness, repent, do better, follow Gods will.) • Have you ever done anything God would be unhappy about? • Have you ever done anything mommy or daddy would be unhappy about?

 The child should be helped to see Gods never ending love, mercy and forgiveness. The Gospels are filled with examples of Jesus forgiving the sins of those whom he encountered. Parents may want to mark a few passages they could go over with their children. With older children, parents and children should read the Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32), and the account of the woman caught in adultery (John 8: 3-11). Children should be asked for the meaning of these passages in terms of the current news story and their own lives.

 If you have done something wrong (fallen short, sinned), are really sorry, and ask God to forgive you, what will He do? Because you have done wrong does it mean God, or mommy or daddy do not love you? Does God want you to displease Him (sin against Him) again? (cf. Romans 6.) What is the best way to please God after displeasing (sinning against) Him? (Ask forgiveness [for older children, especially by going to Confession] and try with all our heart not to displease Him or sin against Him again.)

 Then a connection should be made between Gods love, their own falling short, and the falling short of the actress.

 Does Jamies pregnancy outside of marriage cause God to stop loving her? (No, He hates her sin, but not her, just as we, your parents, hate when you disobey us, but still love you.) Does God want you to love her? What can you do to show your love for her? (Pray for her, pray she asks God to give her the grace to grow in His love of Him, obey Him and do His will.) Because she did something wrong is it OK for us (you) to do something wrong? What is more important: To please God or your friends? What is more important: To do what pleases God or to do what you see movie stars do? Why not? (Because we want to love God with all our hearts and minds, so we can please Him and be with Him in paradise.) What do we do when we or someone gets in trouble? (Pray for them. So we should pray for Ms. Spears, and all those whom God loves, and that means all of us even the worst of sinners.)

 Priestmonk Christodoulos biographer of Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain, said of the Elder: "He only saw the good things in life and was blind to every evil." Fr. Christodoulos also said: "I believe that if someone develops positive thoughts, ... he will not be a loser, because God, who knows our deepest intentions, will do him justice." What a beautiful way to apply the Elders teaching to this media event. One overheard comment that reflects the spirit of the holy Elders words was by a woman who said: "One good thing, she decided to keep her child and not have an abortion." Especially with older children, the choice for life over death could be emphasized. They could pray that Godly choices like this could continue to be made. This could be a starting point leading to a family discussion on the evil of abortion and the sanctity of life.

 The best way to show our love of God is to love Him and do what He has commanded; pray with all our heart to know, love and serve Him. Pray that Our Lords words to the woman caught in adultery be what He would say to this popular actress and ourselves: "Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin again" (John 6:11).

 In the Orthodox wedding service, the Holy Spirit is invoked to: "Unite them (the couple) in one mind and one flesh, and grant unto them fair children for education in Thy faith and fear ... " The spiritual goal of marriage is connected to the parental vocation. This is of Divine origin. As God loves us, we are to love. This love starts in the domestic church, sanctified and continuingly enlivened by the sharing of the Holy Mysteries in the parish community. It then abides mutually between the spouses, and spreads from there to their children and then to all those in the world. It goes out to this Jamie Spears and all of us in need of forgiveness.

 Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect (Romans 12:2). Background: Almost every corner of society is saturated with sexual language and images. We hear it in the music, and see it on television and in the movies. Sex targets all markets - including the media meant for young children. Billboards, sporting events, even a walk around the mall exposes children to a smorgasbord of sexually related stimuli. Pornography is readily available on the internet (a recent study showed porn sites are the second most visited sites on the web - news was first).

 Parents (and some clergy) who think their children are not exposed to sex in our society are blind to their surroundings Some parents think if they do not talk about such topics, they do not exist. Others argue that the Church should not discuss sexual issues. Regretfully, these attitudes capitulate to the self-centered, pleasure- focused, power-oriented - and in some quarters pagan -- society in which Christians live today and that eagerly seeks to become the childs well-spring of information on sexuality and human relationships.

 If parents and clergy capitulate to the culture, then the culture will assume the teaching authority of the parent. Several decades ago, research psychologists demonstrated that was no real difference between real life and mediated models (cartoons, movies, books) in terms of their effect on a childs perceptions about sexuality and other important moral issues (Bandura, 1986). Foreclosing (not approaching) on sexual issues, cedes this authority to these models who then become the childs teacher. This applies to the Church as well. If Church leaders foreclose on sexual questions, the child will turn to the culture for instruction. [Bandura, A. (1986). Social Foundations of Thought and Action. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.]

 Parenthood is inextricably bound with marriage, and thus with the Church. St. Paul explained the relationship in more detail when he compared the marital relationship to the union of Christ with the Church (Ephesians 5: 32). This is a "profound mystery" wrote St. Paul, but one that clearly equated the sacramental union of marriage in terms of redemptive co-creation that replicates in some measure the work of Christ in the world through the Church. Children, therefore, as the fruit of this union also represent in some concrete way Christs creative work. Hence the stern moral warning against the abuse and abandonment of the moral instruction of children in the passage cited above.

 The physical act of procreation should be described in the same terms any other bodily function is described like breathing or blood circulation, free of the crudities and crassness that is so prevalent in popular culture. However, the function itself should be elevated by pointing out that sex is a gift from God that allows mankind to participate in Gods act of creation (see: Sex is Holy; Morelli,2005). This is what makes sex sacred and special. [Morelli, G. (2005, July 19) Sex is Holy: Psycho-Spiritual Reflections in a Secular World.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliSexIsHoly.php.]

 It is important that those dealing with children use the correct scientific terms: sex refers to the biology of the individuals, as well as to the procreative act; gender has social and cultural meaning thus: Sex: What you are biologically, male or female. Sexual Orientation: The sex of the individual the person is sexually attracted to, i.e.:same sex or opposite sex attraction. Sexual Desire or Strength: The degree of attraction, from weak to strong. Gender Identity: The sexual characteristics a person perceives himself as having that are socially defined, irrespective of their biological sex. In most Western countries, a male (sex) who perceives himself as male (gender) would not wear a skirt. A female (sex) who perceives herself as female (gender) might wear lipstick.

 If the term sex is replaced with the term gender, then biological concreteness is subsumed by cultural values leading to the confusion we see today: the denial of male-female distinctions, the reformulation of human relationships (such as marriage) in culturally relative terms.

 Proposals by some (thank God very few) to ordain ‗female priests‘: if it is all gender it is cultural and can be changed. Rather: Orthodoxy affirms God revealed Himself as Father (in a sex sense), Son (in a Sex sense) and Holy Spirit. Inclusive language is a path to heresy, not as God revealed Himself and as understood by His Church.

 First, when a child asks a question or shows an interest in a sexual topic, ask the child what they think it means. The demeanor of the parent should be no different than towards any other question a child may ask: calm and straightforward. For example, if a child points out (or draws a sex organ), ask the child what they think about it. Younger children usually give more general answers and parents can be simply supportive of their answer. If a young pre-school, nursery-school age child has some understanding of how intercourse takes place, the parental response should be given promptly and without shame in the context of Trinitarian love.

 The parent can say something like, "Yes, in blessed marriage God makes holy a husband who gives his seed to his wife, and created you. This is beautiful and an act of Godly love." If a child wants more information parents should not hesitate to give it. Most children have more knowledge than most parents envision (Morelli, 2005). An incorrect understanding given by a child can be corrected in terms a child can comprehend. If children questions more, parents can make use of ordinary objects to illustrate how this is done. A child can be told "You know how we use a spoon to add gravy to a potatoes. God gave daddy part of his body to give mommy his seed to start a new baby growing. This is how God asks mommy and daddy to help Him make children. This is how you were made." Obviously older children will be given more anatomically accurate names for the sex organs appropriate to the science level they would get in their school. Parents can even use the childs science textbook as a reference and resource.

 Parents often ask (usually after it occurs), "What do I do when my child walks in on me while I am undressed, or we are making love?" Parents and teachers know the message conveyed when they walk into a room unexpectedly and the child quickly tries to cover up something they are doing. Most parents and teachers immediately see this as a "yellow flag" indicating the child was doing something wrong. Children get the same message when parents act shamed, embarrassed or angry and fumble to dress. A better approach is to put on a robe or cover up in a normal natural manner, then calmly explain to the child about the sacred specialness of the private body parts and behaviors and that out of respect for this specialness and for the parent the child should always knock before entering.

 Pre-marital sex is quite prevalent in todays society. According to a recent Washington Post report 46.8% of teens in grades 9-12 were found to have had sexual intercourse at some time during their lives, 33.9% in the past three months" (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp- dyn/content/graphic/2007/07/22/GR2007072200479.html). The Washington Post article went on: "Teenagers today live in an MTV-driven culture and are bombarded by sexual messages that say it is normative for them to get involved sexually," said Charmaine Yoest of the Family Research Council. "We need a message that sexual experimentation as a teenager is unhealthy." What has to be conveyed by Orthodox Christians is what is normative for children baptized into Christ.

 The best way of approaching this issue is to discuss the sanctity of sex and its intimate connection with the love the persons of the Holy Trinity have for each other and the love God has initiated and sustained by creating us, and the love of Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, in emptying Himself and taking on our nature for our salvation. "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And a death, even death on a cross" (Philippians 2: 2-8).

 My practice: In talking to the penitent I have never approached this missing the mark or illness by telling them they broke one of "Gods laws." To start this way would be to emphasize the letter of the law. Rather, I start out questioning the penitents on following the spirit of the law. I ask if they are committed to the other in a blessed marriage. Of course I know the answer, but it focuses them on the essential point of marriage. My inquiry continues in the following vein: Were you committed to this person for life? Were you committed for good and bad times? Did you think that by becoming one with this person you could be creating a life both of you were committed to raise in the fear of God.

 This same theme should permeate parental dialogue with their children. Suppose a news program is on television in earshot of the family pre-teens or teens. The newscaster is reporting on the second, third, or fourth marriage (or living arrangement) of celebrities. Couldnt parents make casual remarks (with kindness and charity) like: "I wonder if their relationship was blessed? I wonder if they are committed to one another the way Christ wants us to be? Let us say a prayer for them." The parents would be conveying the spirit of what a Christ-like relationship should be without preaching or sermonizing.

 Television and other media frequently portray aberrant sexual lifestyles. What a beautiful opportunity to comment on Our Lords teaching (once again in a kind, loving tone of voice). Based on the childs understanding discussed above, a parent may comment: "You know we have to love them, because God loves them. Let us pray Father forgive them" as Jesus did on the cross, and pray for their healing that they can come to love Jesus and do what he wants them to do. He made us male and female so we can be blessed (Holy Matrimony) to make children." Once again, words need not be lengthy, or sermonizing, but pinpoint the core of the problem.

 It is so obvious to say that parents should monitor what media is in the home and surely not permit anything contrary to the love Christ requires of us. Computers should be in public spaces in the home. DVDs, I Pod downloads, radio and television programming should also not violate Christs proscription. Pornography obviously does not belong in an Orthodox Christian home. Unfortunately, soft-core pornography, DVDs with suggestive dancing and lyrics (even on CDs holding a PG rating) are now commonplace. Parents should pay special attention to this pernicious media onslaught on Christs love and use them as teaching moments.

 Background: Most media coverage about same-sex marriage doesnt concern legal or sociological arguments but focuses instead on feelings? The stories take a human-interest angle, chock full of emotional descriptions that tug at the heartstrings but leave aside any deeper analysis of this culture changing issue. We see homosexual couples who report their "deep sadness" at not being allowed to marry a member of the same-sex, and look forward to the "joy, happiness, and contentment" that legalized same- sex marriage would afford the "couple in love." We see recurring scenes of smiling and hugging same-sex couples.

 Some parents ask if they should even talk to their children about same-sex marriage. Without question they should. To neglect the issue is to neglect the moral development of the child, and neglect is a very serious failing. Elder Paisios, the holy monk commenting on family life said, "Both father and mother will responsible for not looking after their children…The parents, who do not look after their children, are not good parents and they will have to justify their actions to God" The same could be said about the clergy.

 Behavioral research on effective persuasion strategies with children (the way persuaders try to convince children that their position is the right one to hold) reveals that the best tactic is to associate the message with fun and happiness, rather than provide any factual content about the message We see the tactic employed consistently in the newscasts about same-sex marriage mentioned previously. The tactic is similar to one employed by child abductors. The abductor attempts to seduce the child by playing on the emotions. They promise a fun or rewarding activity alongside a sentimental appeal that pulls the child into his grip. For example, predators lure children with questions like, "Can you help me find my lost puppy?" Another favorite is, "Do you want to see some cute kittens in my car?" Child protection sites warn parents about how powerful these appeals are to children (http://www.reallifesolutions.net/family/abductions.html).

 A child will not understand this crucial insight unless you first validate his emotion. In other words, if your child says that the scene of say, the happy homosexual couple, makes him happy, acknowledge it. The feeling of happiness is a real experience and denying it will either confuse him or cause him to discount what you say.

 The child may something like, "Boy, they sure seem happy." The parent could reply, "Yes, they sure do." The parent continues, "But Johnny, let me ask you a question, Because you are happy about something, does that mean it is good for you?" He might answer yes, thus affirming that if something makes him happy it must be good.

 Ask your next question as a game (older children and adolescents can be asked the questions straight up). Pick something the child really likes, their favorite food or toy for example. They should be emotionally excited about your choice; something they see as "really good." Then add some unforeseen and very unfavorable consequence that compels him to think a bit more deeply. For example, the parent could say, "Suppose the food were filled with poison and you would get very sick if you ate it, or suppose you were playing with your toy and an accident happened and you got hurt." Let the child discover through your questions that just because something looks good and makes you happy does not mean it is good for you.

 When is the Best Time to Talk with the Child? The best time to talk to children about this topic is when an event that is related to same-sex relationships or marriage is encountered. This may be after or during viewing a news report, television show, movie or DVD. It could also be after seeing same-sex couples displaying mutual affection in public. This may be common in certain communities, recreation spots or gay rights rallies or parades. It may also occur during a chance encounter with a gay couple during some everyday outdoor activity. If a parent notices their child looking, or staring or, in some way, attending to the gay couple, it is a natural time to inquire what the child thinks about what they are seeing. Parents frequently ask questions of their children on different matters such as sports, school, friends and by Gods grace spiritual matters related to life.

 Three caveats: 1) let the child speak; 2) dont answer your own questions; and 3) dont assume you know what the child knows or is going to say. (The word educare from which we get the English term educate means to "draw out" in Latin. This is the fundamental meaning of education.)

A boys mom notices him glance at the TV and hesitate for a moment before moving on. She says "Hey Tim, I just saw you glance at the gay married couples. What do you think?" He pauses a moment and answers, "Its Ok. Its cool. We have a few gay guys in school. They love each other. They should be able to marry anyone they want, just like regular people."

 Mom (Dad too, although not home from work yet) did their theological and psycho- educational (how to talk to children) homework. Tims mom is ready for a response. "Tim, remember last week we were talking about stealing." "Yeah, Mom!" "Remember you were saying you understood it was against Gods will; that stealing is against His commandment to love Him and others? Why dont we see what God has told us about marriage."

 On Thursday evening Mom and Dad are prepared. They ask Tim to repeat what he said about gay couples getting married. Dad says in a pleasant voice: "Ok, you have a point. They have feelings. But is it good for them; is it Gods will? You would like someone elses PDA, but, as you said, stealing it would not be good for you. Using it would feel good and it would be fun to use, but stealing is still wrong." Mom chimes in, "Remember, we all agreed how we have to understand why God put us on earth, what our purpose in life is and how we should do Gods will. Lets see what God says about marriage." They take turns reading the relevant passages from Genesis and other parts of scripture. They could quote the Church Fathers. At each point they always ask Tim to make the connections. A few examples that Tim is getting it would be: "Youre right, were made in Gods image and have to be like Him." "Making kids is Gods work." "Yeah! I know what having sex is all about, two girls or two guys cant do it the same way as a girl and a guy can." "Wow! Two fleshes become one flesh, and the child is your flesh too, I never thought of it that way. So marriage has to be holy too!"

 Younger children may find it difficult to conceive of the meaning of "one flesh." St. Paul himself said: "This mystery is a profound one…" (Ephesians 5:32). I have found it useful to use concrete objects that a child is familiar with to illustrate more abstract concepts. Most children play with blocks and have experience with various geometric forms in games such as pegboard etc.

 One of the stumbling blocks in any discussion of homosexuality and same-sex is the charge "Dont judge!" Secular moralists are libertine in most sexual matters but exceedingly stern towards those who dare challenge them. Its quite an inversion. The command not to judge comes from Holy Scripture, but in this case the secular moralists are using it to obliterate any distinctions between what the scripture says about right behavior and relationships. Nevertheless, the charge stops many Christians in their tracks. Its also a powerful shaper of young minds. Children want to be fair. They may know homosexuals, or even children of same-sex couples. "Dont judge!" translates into "Youve got to be fair dont discriminate!‖ Its a difficult charge to reconcile so lets take a closer look at what the scripture says.

 In the book of Revelation Jesus (in the guise of an angel tells St. John:"Yet this you have, you hate the works of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate." (Rev 2:6).

 Jesus taught that we are to "…love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.― (Mt 5:44). This means that judging a person must be left only to God. No man has the authority to judge another. But the commandment not to judge does not mean that we should make allowance for sin. Jesus sat with sinners, including the prostitutes and tax collectors. He was judged harshly for doing so. Recall St Lukes words, "Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and the scribes murmured, saying, This man receives sinners and eats with them" (Luke 15: 1-2).

 Parents can help children role play different possible encounters. Here are a few possible response scripts for various situations (Tom and Jane are generic names for the script): Tom may be gay, but he is also a child of God. Jane is free to act the way she wants, she can choose to live the way God asks us to act according to His Will or do her own thing. I will pray for her. Jesus has told us that only a man and woman can marry and be blessed by the church. Tom and his male friend cannot have a blessed marriage in Christ. If a male-female couple decided to just live together or get a "justice of the peace marriage," it would not be blessed either.

 All of us, male and female are asked by God to love and obey Him, but it is our choice. I cannot judge Tom, only God judges, but I can pray that we all do Gods will. Jesus told us Jane cannot be married to her girlfriend, but God also gave us free will. I will pray for them. God told me to only look at myself—I sure know the sins I have done. Listen, I have chosen to live my life the way Jesus has told us. I may mess up, but I keep trying. Just because Tom and his friend, and Jane and her friend were "married in court" doesnt mean it is blessed by God. God only blesses a man and a women who marry in church. Please note that the script models the essentials of a Christ-like response: kindness toward all; non-judgment of persons (judgment belongs to God only); and affirmation of the truth that only a blessed marriage between male and female is acceptable to God, and humility in that we are to judge ourselves, not our brother or sister.

O Lord and Master of my life, do not give me the spirit of sloth, despair, lust of power and idle talk But rather give me the spirit of chastity, humility, patience and love to thy servant. Yes, Lord and King, grant me to see my own transgressions and not to judge my brother, For blessed art thou unto ages of ages. Amen

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Understanding counseling in a pastoral setting

by AntiochianArchdiocese on Dec 12, 2011

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Understanding counseling in a pastoral setting — Presentation Transcript