Raising Responsible Children

547 views
503 views

Published on

0 Comments
0 Likes
Statistics
Notes
  • Be the first to comment

  • Be the first to like this

No Downloads
Views
Total views
547
On SlideShare
0
From Embeds
0
Number of Embeds
0
Actions
Shares
0
Downloads
28
Comments
0
Likes
0
Embeds 0
No embeds

No notes for slide

Raising Responsible Children

  1. 1. Raising Responsible Children Presentation by Anthony Marra, LISW
  2. 2. Presentation Caveats <ul><li>There are no guarantees. </li></ul><ul><li>The best of parents can produce the most difficult of kids </li></ul><ul><li>The worst of parents can produce the most responsible of kids. </li></ul><ul><li>Becoming a better parent only increases chances of producing responsible children. </li></ul>
  3. 3. The Situation <ul><li>Childhood is approximately 20% of life. </li></ul><ul><li>At times, parents unconsciously believe their kids will be kids forever. </li></ul><ul><li>By the time your child is in junior high, they are making nearly all decisions about how to act and spend time. * </li></ul><ul><li>80% of life is spent as an adult </li></ul><ul><li>Very few overcome the patterns they develop as children. * </li></ul><ul><li>Are we raising children to be grown children or adults ? * </li></ul>
  4. 4. <ul><li>What qualities do you want your children to have by the time they are 18 (an adult)? </li></ul>
  5. 5. Choice Pyramid (Love and Logic) <ul><li>Adult – 18 years </li></ul><ul><li>High School – Almost everything </li></ul><ul><li>Junior High – study after school or evening </li></ul><ul><li>Elementry – Soccer Team or Swim Team </li></ul><ul><li>Toddler – Gloves or Mittens </li></ul><ul><li>Birth </li></ul>More Limits Less Choice Less Limits More Choice Least Limits Most Choice
  6. 6. Upside Down Parenting Least Limits Most Choice More Limits Less Choice Most Limits Least Choice
  7. 7. 2 Approaches to Solving Problems <ul><li>Reactive (Emergency) </li></ul><ul><li>Convenient Now </li></ul><ul><li>Quick fix </li></ul><ul><li>Immediate Improvement </li></ul><ul><li>Interferes with natural processes (preservatives, pharmaceuticals, pesticides, etc.) </li></ul><ul><li>Pressured, lack of time, energy, or resources </li></ul><ul><li>Focus on Present </li></ul><ul><li>Temporary - exacerbates or postpones dealing with root cause </li></ul><ul><li>Inconvenient Later </li></ul><ul><li>Holistic </li></ul><ul><li>Inconvenient Now </li></ul><ul><li>Hard work upfront </li></ul><ul><li>May get worse at first </li></ul><ul><li>Use of natural processes </li></ul><ul><li>Patience </li></ul><ul><li>Focus on future effect </li></ul><ul><li>Long term solution </li></ul><ul><li>Preparation and forethought </li></ul><ul><li>Convenient Later </li></ul>
  8. 8. 3 Emergency Parenting Styles <ul><li>Burned Out </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Overworked, unorganized, unplanned, tired, stressed out </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Anxiety Driven </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Love for children leads to excessive worry and protection. </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Control Driven </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Failure and disobedience are not tolerated, Parents do the thinking, children obey. </li></ul></ul>
  9. 9. Burned Out Parenting Techniques <ul><li>Please Them </li></ul><ul><li>Make it easier/Do it for them </li></ul><ul><li>Give them the answer </li></ul><ul><li>Make threats, don’t follow through </li></ul><ul><li>Lose patience </li></ul><ul><li>Buy them things </li></ul><ul><li>Rush them, pressure them </li></ul><ul><li>Put them off as long as possible </li></ul><ul><li>What ever gives us a moment of peace </li></ul><ul><li>Unintended Message : You are a burden to me and I would rather not spend time with you. </li></ul>
  10. 10. What type of child does Burnt Out parenting produce? <ul><li>Anxious </li></ul><ul><li>Defiant </li></ul><ul><li>Spoiled </li></ul><ul><li>Inconsiderate </li></ul><ul><li>Rude </li></ul><ul><li>Forgetful </li></ul><ul><li>Aggressive </li></ul><ul><li>Clingy </li></ul><ul><li>Insecure </li></ul><ul><li>Lazy </li></ul><ul><li>Attention Seeking </li></ul><ul><li>Annoying </li></ul><ul><li>Angry </li></ul><ul><li>Succumb to peer pressure </li></ul>
  11. 11. Anxiety Driven Parents . . . <ul><li>Protect kids from unpleasant things </li></ul><ul><li>Do things for their kids </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t let them experience failure or sadness </li></ul><ul><li>Make decisions for them </li></ul><ul><li>Solve their problems </li></ul><ul><li>Are afraid to upset their children </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t set boundaries </li></ul><ul><li>Message : You are not strong enough to handle things yourself. </li></ul>
  12. 12. What type of child does Anxiety Driven Parenting produce? <ul><li>Anxious </li></ul><ul><li>Lazy </li></ul><ul><li>Gullible </li></ul><ul><li>Defiant </li></ul><ul><li>Socially Awkward </li></ul><ul><li>Forgetful </li></ul><ul><li>Overly Sensitive </li></ul><ul><li>Shy </li></ul><ul><li>Insecure </li></ul><ul><li>Spoiled </li></ul><ul><li>Sore Loser </li></ul><ul><li>Low Self Esteem </li></ul>
  13. 13. Control Driven Parenting Techniques <ul><li>Tell them what to do </li></ul><ul><li>Lecture </li></ul><ul><li>Do the thinking for them </li></ul><ul><li>Withhold affection when they fail or disobey </li></ul><ul><li>Intimidate them </li></ul><ul><li>Favor a particular child </li></ul><ul><li>Message: You’re not smart enough to know what to do. </li></ul>
  14. 14. What type of child does Control Driven Parenting produce? <ul><li>Rebellious </li></ul><ul><li>Poor Judgment </li></ul><ul><li>Out to prove something </li></ul><ul><li>Dependent </li></ul><ul><li>Low Self-esteem </li></ul><ul><li>Overly Competitive </li></ul><ul><li>Easily succumb to peer pressure </li></ul>
  15. 15. Hidden Messages <ul><li>Wearing coat in cold weather </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Why don’t you have your coat on, don’t you know its freezing out? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Don’t forget your coat honey? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>What do you mean its not cold? Of course its cold, put you’re coat on. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>You know, you’ve never told me how you decide when its cold enough to wear a coat. </li></ul></ul>
  16. 16. What to say when your child does something that is not smart <ul><li>Pretend you are talking to your boss (word it in a way that does not insult her character). </li></ul><ul><li>Show empathy. </li></ul>
  17. 17. Holistic Parents Allow their Children to . . . <ul><li>think </li></ul><ul><li>make decisions </li></ul><ul><li>Solve their own problems </li></ul><ul><li>struggle </li></ul><ul><li>pay consequences </li></ul><ul><li>Fail </li></ul><ul><li>Holistic parents want to be wanted not need to be needed </li></ul><ul><li>And they show love regardless </li></ul><ul><li>Message : You can handle it, I trust you, you are smart, you are capable. </li></ul>
  18. 18. What type of child does Holistic Parenting Produce? <ul><li>Respectful </li></ul><ul><li>Confident </li></ul><ul><li>Independent </li></ul><ul><li>Helpful </li></ul><ul><li>Responsible </li></ul><ul><li>Socially Engaging </li></ul><ul><li>Organized </li></ul><ul><li>Wise </li></ul><ul><li>Assertive </li></ul>
  19. 19. Two Critical Skills to Raising Responsible Children <ul><li>Sending message of Love </li></ul><ul><li>Giving Choices </li></ul>
  20. 20. Sending the Message of Love <ul><li>Even when punishing – never let your child believe you enjoy punishing her. </li></ul><ul><li>Not conditional – Your child must know he is good enough the way he is.* </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t rub it in when you’re right. Instead show empathy. </li></ul><ul><li>Smiling, eye contact, wrestling, noticing their interests. </li></ul>
  21. 21. Rules for Giving Choices <ul><li>Provide two reasonable options </li></ul><ul><li>Third option- Parent chooses </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t provide choice (and never a promise or threat) you can’t live with. </li></ul>
  22. 22. Specific Situations <ul><li>says he hates his teacher </li></ul><ul><li>getting made fun of </li></ul><ul><li>Bedtime </li></ul><ul><li>Eating Issues/meal time </li></ul><ul><li>Resistant kids and teens/Defiant </li></ul><ul><li>Difficult car rides </li></ul><ul><li>Bad Grades </li></ul><ul><li>Managing Money </li></ul><ul><li>Stealing </li></ul><ul><li>Temper Tantrums </li></ul><ul><li>Buying things at stores </li></ul><ul><li>Lying </li></ul><ul><li>Talking about sex </li></ul><ul><li>Chores </li></ul><ul><li>Fears </li></ul><ul><li>Sibling Rivalry </li></ul><ul><li>Hitting, biting, Fighting </li></ul><ul><li>Annoying behaviors, noise, tapping, etc. </li></ul><ul><li>Sleeping alone </li></ul><ul><li>Problems Sharing </li></ul><ul><li>Cleaning room </li></ul><ul><li>Peer Pressure </li></ul><ul><li>Dirty Looks/back talk </li></ul><ul><li>Public Misbehavior </li></ul><ul><li>Whining </li></ul>
  23. 23. Books to Read <ul><li>Love and Logic – Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay </li></ul><ul><li>People Making – Virginia Satir </li></ul><ul><li>Plug-In Drug – Marie Winn </li></ul><ul><li>Uncommon Therapy – Jay Haley </li></ul>
  24. 24. <ul><li>Anthony Marra, LISW </li></ul><ul><li>Chagrin Family Therapy Center, LLC </li></ul><ul><li>440-804-6627 </li></ul><ul><li>www.chagrinfamilytherapy.com </li></ul>

×